The characters, plotlines, quotes, etc. included here are owned by Chris Carter and 1013 Productions, all rights reserved. The following transcript is in no way a substitute for the show "The X-Files" and is merely meant as a homage. This transcript is not authorized or endorsed by Chris Carter, 1013 Productions, or Fox Entertainment. It was painstakingly typed out by DrWeesh with help from Red Wolf, and made available for your personal enjoyment by me, DrWeesh from my website, InsideTheX.




SCENE 1

(A picturesque view of a farmhouse. As the camera pans away, we see that it is a picture on the wall. A calendar under the picture shows the date to be sometime in March 1978.)

LANGLY: (Voiceover) I think that everybody has one single best memory of childhood, one perfect image that sums up everything that's wonderful about being a kid. I know I do. Mine dates back to probably when I was around ten years old.

(We see a YOUNG LANGLY at home on the farm. He stumbles over in the dirt, landing face first in some mud.)

LANGLY: And it sure as hell has nothing to do with growing up on a farm.

(Moments later, YOUNG LANGLY is lying on the floor in front of the TV, watching kids TV programs.)

LANGLY: No, my best memory is of my family's old Zenith. Every afternoon, after school and chores, and more chores, I'd watch TV all three channels of it and I'd escape. There was Bozo the Clown, and Captain Kangaroo, he was cool, there was Sherry Lewis and Lamb Chop, and they were like good friends who were always looking out for me, good friends who'd help me grow up strong and true, and who would never make fun of my hair. These old shows were comforting, they made me feel good about the world I was growing up in. And none made me feel better than Cap'n Toby.

(The Cap'n Toby show beings on the TV. YOUNG LANGLY is totally engrossed.)

CAP'N TOBY: (On TV) Ahoy little mateys. Welcome aboard Cap'n Toby's tugboat.

LANGLY: For my money he was the best. Cap'n Toby and his first mate, Clarence the Crab. Maybe it's because I grew up in land-locked Nebraska that I dug his show so much. Or maybe it's just that he was so decent, so true blue, that I'd give anything to ship off with him. He made me childhood bearable. He was someone I could trust growing up, someone I could count on.

(The scene suddenly cuts to the present day. CAP'N TOBY is led out through a door in handcuffs, flanked by FBI agents. He shakes his head as he gets into a car. The FBI agent takes off his Captain's hat. As the camera moves, we see FROHIKE, BYERS, LANGLY, JIMMY and YVES all standing behind the car in disbelief.)

LANGLY: Growing up... man, it's a bitch.




[OPENING CREDITS] [OPENING CREDITS] [OPENING CREDITS] [OPENING CREDITS] [OPENING CREDITS]




SCENE 2
GLEN BURNIE, MARYLAND
SIX DAYS EARLIER

(Day. A busy shopping mall. We follow a blonde woman wearing rose-tinted sunglasses. She notices a man window shopping. She pauses. She carries on, and the man starts to follow her. She speeds up, heading for an elevator. She presses the button "P2". The man following her almost makes it to the lift, but collides with the MR E MEATS MASCOT. The elevator door closes. She notices another man in the elevator.)

MAN: Hey...

(She acknowledges him. Suddenly, he pulls out a gun from his pocket. Outside the lift, the man following her has gotten to his feet and runs off. The mascot struggles to get up due to his extremely large and spongy costume.)

(In the mall, the man runs down the stairwell to the basement garage. He notice a pair of feet lying beside a car. He walks over to check it out. He finds the man from the lift, dead. He kneels down, and finds a small needle sticking in his chest. Suddenly, the blonde woman jumps him. They fight intensely, she seems to be adept at martial arts. She repeatedly windmill kicks him, and punches him. He manages to pull out a gun. She stops. He holds it on her. Out of breath, she slowly raises her hands above her head. As her hands get above her head, we see a small device around her wrist. It suddenly springs to life, aiming straight towards the man. It fires another small dart, almost instantly. It hits the man square in the chest. He falls to the ground. Making sure no-one has seen her, she makes her exit.)




SCENE 3
8:15 AM

(Morning. Gunmen HQ. Copies of The New York Times and The News are strewn over the table. FROHIKE, BYERS and LANGLY are sat down, scanning through them. JIMMY walks over from the oven and puts some pancakes on a plate for them.)

JIMMY: Pancakes are getting cold. (They don't look up from the papers) Man, every morning. I'm glad I'm not married to you three.

BYERS: I'm sorry if you feel neglected, Jimmy. But it's part of the job.

JIMMY: Part of the job? What, reading a bunch of papers?

FROHIKE: Reading between the lines. Picking up on the stories the so-called "legitimate press" let slip through the cracks.

LANGLY: Shaking out the pizza coupons, and then panning for a little nugget of truth amongst the dross. (JIMMY looks confused) It's a metaphor.

JIMMY: Yeah, got you, pizza coupons.

FROHIKE: These guys have to report the stories they've been handed. Plus, they all work for the man, so they're coverage only goes so deep.

BYERS: Sometimes the truth lies beneath. That's why we try and read between the lines.

(A look of enthusiasm spreads over JIMMY'S face.)

JIMMY: Count me in. So, what do we do? Look for like, clues and hidden meanings and whatnot?

BYERS: Not quite, that's not really what we meant.

LANGLY: Sure it is. Here, check out the comics. And pipe down all ready.

JIMMY: Guys, "The Wizard of Id". In the first box, the king has three jewels in his crown. In the next box, four. Huh, what's up with that?

FROHIKE: Oh baby. This is what I was talking about. In yesterday's "Glen Burnie Suburbanite", the obituary section. Adam Vaughan, age 35 of Glen Burnie, succumbed to a heart attack. He was a member of the International Brotherhood of Stage Technicians - Local 614. Now in yesterday's "Suburna Park Monitor". Eric Rice, age 33, dead of a heart attack. He was a member of the International Brotherhood of Stage Technicians - Local 614.

BYERS: You're thinking murder?

FROHIKE: Uh huh.

JIMMY: I-I-I don't get it. I mean, yeah, I get that they're both pretty young for heart attacks, but what does that have to do with them being in a union together?

(LANGLY gets up from the table and walks over to another table with a laptop on it.)

BYERS: Organised crime, possibly.

(LANGLY checks the listing on the screen.)

LANGLY: Well, it gets better. I've got a list of 911 calls from the Glen Burnie Fire Department. Those two union guys, Vaughan and Rice, both had their heart attacks the same day at the same mall. Now there's reading between the lines.




SCENE 4

(Day. In the mall basement garage, FROHIKE, JIMMY and the MR E MEATS MASCOT are walking over to the spot where the fight happened.)

MR E MEATS MASCOT: So I go aways, I come down here to have a smoke, right. As soon as I got off the elevator, I see this dude who bumped into me, right. He's lying right over there dead. And the other one, was over there. (He bumps into an overhead pipe and stumbles.)

FROHIKE: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Easy.

MR E MEATS MASCOT: Stupid shoes. Anyway, the other dude was right there.

FROHIKE: And er, nobody else was around?

MR E MEATS MASCOT: Nobody. So I figured old Rosie must have just missed it.

JIMMY: Who's Rosie?

MR E MEATS MASCOT: I call her that. It's this chick I see in the mall every so often. She wears these funky rose coloured sunglasses. She was on the elevator that me and the dude were trying to catch.

JIMMY: What's her real name?

MR E MEATS MASCOT: I don't know. But she did say hi to me one time. What can I say, I catch the ladies checking me out, you know.

FROHIKE: Oh yeah.

MR E MEATS MASCOT: Hey, the suit speaks for itself, boys.

(FROHIKE spots something on the ground. He kneels over and picks it up. It is one of the small needles.)

JIMMY: Frohike, you got something?

(FROHIKE shows JIMMY the small dart he found)

MR E MEATS MASCOT: What did you find?

FROHIKE: Nothing.

MR E MEATS MASCOT: Fine. Anyway, guys, I've got to hit it, all right?

JIMMY: Right on. Thanks.

MR E MEATS MASCOT: Hey, keep on trucking, huh?

(He backs up, but falls over backwards.)

JIMMY: Dude, are you all right?




SCENE 5
NORTH SHORE STUDIOS
GLEN BURNIE, MARYLAND

(Inside one of the studios, LANGLY and BYERS are walking around one of the many sets.)

LANGLY: What the hell is this?

BYERS: A children's program, I assume. At any rate, it's where our two deceased stage hands worked.

LANGLY: Looks like a bad theme restaurant.

(A middle aged man bumps into LANGLY as he walks past.)

MAN: Oh, pardon me.

(LANGLY suddenly realises who it is.)

LANGLY: Oh my God! Cap'n Toby! That was Cap'n Toby! This is... this is the Cap'n Toby Show, I can't believe it. (LANGLY starts to hyperventilate) Why don't I don't even recognise it? What the hell did they do to it? What?

(A large comic-type sign is lowered.)

LANGLY: "The New Cap'n Toby Show"? What does that mean?

BYERS: I don't know, Langly. But can we stick to the task at hand? Excuse me...

(He tries to grab someone's attention. It's WAYNE, CLARENCE THE CRAB'S puppeteer.)

LANGLY: Oh man, Clarence the Crab!

BYERS: Uh right. Sir, could you point us to someone in charge?

CLARENCE THE CRAB: El Ducha's right over there.

WAYNE: Sorry, John Gillnitz, he's the writer producer.

(LANGLY and BYERS walk over to John Gillnitz)

BYERS: Mr. Gillnitz, I'm John Byers, this is my associate Richard Langly...

JOHN GILLNITZ: Hold on one second, guys.

(JOHN GILLNITZ motions for them to wait. The crew starts taping a promo for the show.)

JOHN GILLNITZ: Roll tape... and action Toby. Give it a smile!

(On the new set, FRED TOBALOWSKI in the guise of CAP'N TOBY, starts the promo.)

CAP'N TOBY: Ahoy there, little mateys. Watch the new Cap'n Toby show weekday mornings at 7 on this station, 'till then put the wind up your backs and a song in your hearts. Smooth sailing!

(CAP'N TOBY gives one of his trademark salutes to the camera. He then puts his pipe in his mouth and starts blowing bubbles out of it.)

JOHN GILLNITZ: ... and cut. Ah, Toby, about the pipe, could we try one without it?

CAP'N TOBY: What's wrong with the pipe?

(JOHN GILLNITZ throws down the script and walks over to CAP'N TOBY.)

JOHN GILLNITZ: Everybody take five. Well, an argument could be made that it promotes smoking.

CAP'N TOBY: John, it's a bubble pipe, an argument could be made it promotes blowing bubbles. Look, Cap'n Toby has a pipe. He's had a pipe for 31 years. The pipe and the magic porthole routine are about the only things left from the early days.

JOHN GILLNITZ: And they're both great. Time honoured. Speaking of the magic porthole routine...

CAP'N TOBY: Oh please.

JOHN GILLNITZ: I just have to reiterate that it doesn't make logical sense for a nuclear submarine to have a porthole, that's all. I say, lets go cutting edge, do something with holograms.

(CAP'N TOBY gets up wearily, having heard enough.)

CAP'N TOBY: I have to lie down.

JOHN GILLNITZ: It'll be great Toby, I promise. Edit the pipe off the promo and ship it.

(JOHN GILLNITZ walks back over to BYERS and LANGLY.)

JOHN GILLNITZ: What can I do for you guys?

BYERS: We're print journalists, we have a few questions for you.

JOHN GILLNITZ: Journalists! (They shake hands) You plan to write about our little show? Excellent. Well, it's a genuine success story. Sort of a zero to hero, "Little engine that could" kind of thing.

(LANGLY is noticeably angry about the change of set.)

LANGLY: What happened to the tugboat? Cap'n Toby lives on a tugboat.

JOHN GILLNITZ: Not any more. Now he's the captain of a nuclear powered submarine. It's a great set, huh? It's one of the changes I made when I came aboard.

LANGLY: He lives on a tugboat.

BYERS: Mr. Gillnitz, you had two stage hands who worked for you, Adam Vaughan and Eric Rice.

JOHN GILLNITZ: Oh, yeah, God, terrible. Although they didn't pass away here, I've got to stress. Your story doesn't focus on them, does it? They only worked here for a couple of weeks.

BYERS: Our story is about your show. Er, your... it's triumphs, it's tragedies. Anything you can tell us may be useful. Um, maybe we could see their personnel files.

(JOHN GILLNITZ looks slightly surprised at this.)




SCENE 7

(In Gunmen HQ, FROHIKE is checking the small dart he found under a high powered microscope. We see a small amount of blood on the tip.)

FROHIKE: Blood. We're talking definite murder weapon. That's got to be some heavy duty poison.

(JIMMY leans forwards towards FROHIKE'S face until they are nearly touching. FROHIKE looks very uncomfortable. He speaks quietly without moving his head to avoid moving the dart.)

FROHIKE: Get away from me. I mean it.

JIMMY: What? I'm just looking.

FROHIKE: This is deadly, deadly poison. I don't want you sneezing, or having a spasm, or something. No sudden moves. God only knows what could happen.

JIMMY: I'm not moving, I'm standing still.

FROHIKE: Just back off, two big steps. You're making me nervous.

(JIMMY finally pulls back.)

JIMMY: Gee, you're making me nervous.

FROHIKE: Stay there. I'm just going to have a look at this under higher magnification.

(Using tweezers, FROHIKE gently places the dart onto a glass slide. He looks down through the eyepiece, and we see some of the poison is left in the dart. Suddenly, the dart flicks off the slide and embeds right in FROHIKE'S chest. A look a severe panic spreads across his face.)

JIMMY: Frohike?

FROHIKE: Jimmy, you've got to suck out the poison.

JIMMY: What? Can't you reach?

FROHIKE: Do it. Now.

(FROHIKE pulls his jumper up, revealing his chest. Reluctantly, but with great vigour, JIMMY'S lips dive onto FROHIKE'S chest. The door opens. YVES walks in right in the middle of JIMMY'S sucking. With his back to YVES, FROHIKE is none the wiser.)

YVES: What in the hell are you doing?

(JIMMY'S shocked head appears from over FROHIKE'S shoulder.)

JIMMY: Yves, Frohike's been poisoned. We've got to get him to a hospital.

FROHIKE: I'm about to keel over.

YVES: No you're not. I am, but you're not. Where's that dart you called me about?

(YVES picks up the dart with the tweezers and examines it closely.)

JIMMY: I don't understand. It's deadly poison.

YVES: It was deadly poison. This particular formulation has a potency of about two hours, after which, it degrades into little more than salt water. It makes it appear that the victim died of a heart attack. I've only heard about this, I've never actually seen it. It's rumoured to be Red Chinese.

FROHIKE: Why was some high-tech Chinese poison used to kill two local stage hands?




SCENE 8

(In his dressing room, FRED TOBALOWSKI, CAP'N TOBY'S alter ego, takes off his cap. The room is filled with Oriental pictures and small statues. He picks up the phone and dials. He talks in Chinese briefly before hanging up the phone.)




SCENE 9

(In Gunmen HQ, LANGLY is watching the TV. CAP'N TOBY is on screen.)

FRED TOBALOWSKI: (On television) Ahoy, mateys. Cap'n Toby here.

(LANGLY turns the program off. In another room, FROHIKE is on the laptop. JIMMY is at his side, looking at the table. The computer beeps.)

LANGLY: They've destroyed my childhood.

(FROHIKE spots something on the monitor.)

FROHIKE: Hello.

(Mistaken, JIMMY looks up at FROHIKE.)

JIMMY: Hi.

FROHIKE: Not you. Hello, as in check this out. Guess who just happened to be working for the Justice Department. Dead stage hand number one, dead stage hand number two.

(Pictures of the two victims appear on the screen.)

LANGLY: Both of them moonlighted as the Feds? Or the other way around?

(BYERS enters.)

BYERS: Find something?

FROHIKE: Big time. We ran facial recognition off the photos we snagged from their personnel files. Turns out Vaughan and Rice were a couple of FBI Agents named Jaycox and LaBeck.

BYERS: FBI?

LANGLY: Intelligence Division, Chinese Analytical Unit.

JIMMY: Chinese. Just like the poison in the dart.

LANGLY: Now what in the hell are the FBI doing working uncover at the Cap'n Toby Show?

BYERS: Counter-espionage Agents killed by what Yves described as a professional.

FROHIKE: A spy? A spy ring? A Chinese spy ring operating out of a kids TV show? It doesn't make any sense. What are they going to report on, the superiority of American hand puppets?

BYERS: Every spy has a cover. The more mundane, the better, I suppose.

JIMMY: So, who on that show's the spy?

(They all look up at LANGLY. He immediately realises their inference.)

LANGLY: Cap'n Toby, is that what you're suggesting? You're nuts.

FROHIKE: A fish stinks from the head.

BYERS: Langly, we have to consider the possibility.

(LANGLY goes on the defensive, sticking up for his childhood hero.)

LANGLY: There is no possibility. He's as true blue as apple pie. What about that creep producer, Gillnitz? The one who made him live in a submarine, huh. What is that about?

FROHIKE: Buddy, we are sitting on one humongous story. So, you better know, whoever's the bad guy on that nuclear U-boat even if it is the Captain we are going to torpedo him right out of the water.




SCENE 10

(JOHN GILLNITZ, CAP'N TOBY and WAYNE enter the set in single file through a side entrance.)

JOHN GILLNITZ: Hip. Hop. Hop Hop Hip. It's called hiphop, it's great, you'll love it, it's vital, it's the rhythm of the street.

CAP'N TOBY: Street? What street? John, why do we need new theme music. And why is this the first I'm hearing of it?

JOHN GILLNITZ: I sent you a memo. And Toby, we need a new theme song because hiphop is what the kids want. (To WAYNE) Back me up, you heard it.

CLARENCE THE CRAB: I thought it was crap. And I don't even have ears.

(JOHN GILLNITZ looks angry at WAYNE.)

WAYNE: Sorry.

CAP'N TOBY: Look, Toby, you hired me so that you don't have to think about this stuff any more. You want to connect with todays kids, sit back and let me show you how.

(JOHN GILLNITZ walks away, leaving TOBY and WAYNE shaking their heads in frustration.)




SCENE 11

(Day. Inside the set, kids and crew are milling about. BYERS, LANGLY and FROHIKE walk in through the large stage door. JOHN GILLNITZ meets them.)

JOHN GILLNITZ: Ah, welcome back. Perfect timing.

BYERS: We brought our photographer, if that's all right.

JOHN GILLNITZ: Absolutely. We can all do this in my office, it's sort of the nerve centre.

LANGLY: We were hoping he could wander around, get a couple of candid shots.

FROHIKE: You know, cast and crew.

BYERS: While we talked.

JOHN GILLNITZ: Oh yeah, sure. Save some film for me. Kidding.

(FROHIKE starts to take photos of the crew.)

FROHIKE: Which one of you is the spy?

(Spotting a closed door, FROHIKE opens it and covertly walks in. It is CAP'N TOBY'S dressing room. A small girl is sitting there patiently. FROHIKE is taken surprised to see her.)

FROHIKE: Oh.

MARY: Hi.

FROHIKE: What are you doing in here?

MARY: I want to see Captain Toby.

FROHIKE: Oh. Okay. Well, his show's about to start. You wouldn't want to miss that, would you? (He takes hold of MARY'S hand and she screams out loud.) Easy, easy. All right. Okay, okay. All right.




SCENE 13

(In the mall, YVES is talking on her radio to JIMMY. JIMMY is dressed up in the MR E MEATS MASCOT costume. He looks really funny, and is holding a tray of canapes to give out to potential customers.)

YVES: (On radio) There are dumb plans, and then there are dumb plans, and then there's this. I can't believe you talked me into coming here.

JIMMY: (On radio) What? This woman with the rose coloured glasses may have been involved in these murders. Obviously it is important that we find her, or the guys wouldn't have sent me.

YVES: (On radio) Jimmy, when I say dumb, I'm referring to the fact that you're dressed as a frankfurter.

JIMMY: (On radio) I'm undercover. Hey, the wiener man sees this lady all the time from this vantage point, and he's out with a broken arm. It's not a dumb plan, it's a great plan. (He grabs a passer-by) Pig in a Blanket? It's pigalicious. (They take no notice of him.) No. All right then.

YVES: (On radio) Furthermore, if this women actually did have something to do with the two murders, she'd be foolish to return to the crime scene.

(JIMMY'S eyes suddenly lock onto something. He stares off into the distance. He subconsciously mutters to himself.)

JIMMY: (On radio) Hello...

YVES: (On radio) Hello?

(JIMMY has spotted the woman in the rose-coloured glasses.)

JIMMY: (On radio) No, hello as in...

(YVES is still confused as to what JIMMY is going on about.)

YVES: (On radio) Hello as in what?




SCENE 14

(Back in CAP'N TOBY'S dressing room, the little girl is still screaming. FROHIKE is covering his ears, clearly in pain.)

FROHIKE: Ow. Look. Hey, how about some money? Hey, you know, you want some money? Money's good, look, have some money. (FROHIKE is now offering her money in return for silence. CAP'N TOBY enters his dressing room and she stops screaming)

FROHIKE: Captain. You've got a little fan here.

FRED TOBALOWSKI: Uh huh, uh huh. Want a fine voice you have. Tell me, what's your name?

(She smiles up at CAP'N TOBY.)

MARY: Mary.

FRED TOBALOWSKI: Mary. Well, that's a lovely name. Tell Cap'n Toby why you were screaming, Mary.

(She points over at FROHIKE.)

MARY: He was creepy.

FRED TOBALOWSKI: Uh huh.

MARY: I wanted to see you.

FRED TOBALOWSKI: Oh. I'll tell you what, let's go find your Mommy, I understand she's looking for you. Then we're going to put you in a seat right down front where you can see the whole show and not miss a thing. How's that sound?

(MARY nods enthusiastically)

FROHIKE: Captain, I'm a photographer, by the way. We... we're doing a story on the show.

FRED TOBALOWSKI: Uh huh. (He leads MARY out onto the set) Come on, Mary, let's find your mom.

(Alone, FROHIKE starts to rummage through the dressing room. He eventually finds a printed letter written in Chinese in a jacket hanging from the door.)

FROHIKE: Ancient Chinese secret huh?




SCENE 15

(Back in the mall, JIMMY is watching the woman from a distance. She is standing in line in a copy centre.)

JIMMY: (On radio) Yves. Red tinted glasses, just like the guy said.

YVES: (On radio) Where?

JIMMY: (On radio) Koko's Copy Centre. She's standing in line.

YVES: (On radio) I'm on my way.

(The woman turns around in the queue, and notices the not so inconspicuous JIMMY watching her. He tries to turn away in time, but he's too slow. She leaves the shop.)

JIMMY: (On radio) She's coming out of the copy centre. She's heading to the east end of the mall. It's possible she spotted me.

YVES: (On radio, feigning shock) No? How?

JIMMY: Uh uh, lady, you don't lose me that easy.

(JIMMY starts to follow her. He tosses the tray of canapes into a bin. He tries to hide behind various objects, albeit completely unsuccessfully. He starts to jog after her as best he can, but he trips over in his outsized blue shoes and falls head-first over a rail. He plummets to the floor below, landing on a doughnut stand. He lands on his side with a thump, covered in jam and dough. Worried, YVES dashes over to see if he is okay.)

YVES: Are you all right, Jimmy?

JIMMY: Yeah. (The table collapses) Oh God. I'm bleeding.

YVES: It's raspberry filling.

JIMMY: Did she get away?

YVES: Apparently not. (The woman is heading towards them)

AGENT BLYTHE: (To Guard) I'm a Federal Agent. I want these two detained.




SCENE 16

(Inside a room, 2 EMTs are seeing to JIMMY'S injuries. They are strapping the left side of his chest where he fell.)

FIRST EMT: Keep this on until you see a doctor. And see one, 'cause I'm pretty sure you cracked a rib. (She finishes strapping JIMMY'S ribs) It's better if we take him with us.

(The Agent waves to the EMTs, motioning for them to leave them alone.)

(The paramedics leave.)

AGENT BLYTHE: Bye. So, Mr. Weiner, who are you and why are you following me?

YVES: Who says he was following you? Who am I talking to, anyway? Why do I have to answer your questions? Am I under arrest?

AGENT BLYTHE: I'm Agent Blythe of the CIA. And I'm not talking to you, I am talking to Mr. Weiner.

(JIMMY'S demeanour becomes very serious.)

JIMMY: I'm an investigative journalist. Investigating two murders here. And I have a source that places you at the scene.

AGENT BLYTHE: Weiner number one, I assume. What do you know about the two dead men?

JIMMY: They were FBI agents.

AGENT BLYTHE: Officially. But was that where their loyalties lay?

YVES: You're telling us they were double agents?

AGENT BLYTHE: I'm certainly not telling you anything. This is a sensitive matter concerning National Security. I am illustrating to you, how little you really do know about the situation at hand. And I'm warning you, that you are interfering with the combined efforts of the CIA and the FBI. Now, I need to know everything you know and I need to know who else knows it. (JIMMY looks over at YVES.) I wouldn't stonewall here, Miss Harlow, (YVES looks startled at AGENT BLYTHE'S knowledge.) it's not healthy for your privacy. Yeah, I know who you are. Show me how badly you want to keep it a secret.

(YVES looks very, very uncomfortable.)

JIMMY: Leave her alone. I'll tell you what you want to know.




SCENE 17

(LANGLY and BYERS are in JIMMY'S office watching the taping of the show. CAP'N TOBY is talking to the children about farmyard animals.)

JOHN GILLNITZ: I ask you, does it make any sense whatsoever to see livestock out the porthole of a nuclear submarine? There's no talking to him sometimes.

(On the set, a "Bye Bye" sign appears on the magic porthole, signalling the end of the show.)

JOHN GILLNITZ: And up comes the music.

LANGLY: What is that?

(We hear a quite appalling hip hop beat start to play.)

JOHN GILLNITZ: A little extra insurance against channel changing. Not to toot my own horn, but er, in the three years I've been here, our ratings average has grown from a .8 to a 1.1. Plus we've sold into foreign syndication last year. It's exciting to think we've got all these new little eyes on us all over Europe and China.

BYERS: China?

JOHN GILLNITZ: Can you believe it? They'll love that hip hop. Let me tell you, it travels.

LANGLY: China, is that your idea?

JOHN GILLNITZ: Yeah. Not to toot my own horn.

(The door to the office opens. FROHIKE enters, holding his camera.)

FROHIKE: Guys, could I talk to you for a sec?

JOHN GILLNITZ: I've got some time now if you wanted to snap some photos.

FROHIKE: Oh yeah. I was thinking we'd wait 'til magic hour, sunset on the roof, a thing of beauty. Guys ...

(They leave JIMMY in his office. They walk past the office and then stop.)

LANGLY: I say we've got our man.

BYERS: The big question was, why someone spying for China would operate out of a children's TV show. But what if that show was being broadcast *in* China?

FROHIKE: It's a conduit, for information. Whatever secrets are being passed could be broadcast through the show itself encrypted into the music or the video signal.

LANGLY: Exactly. There's a million ways to hide it. And it's low profile, a kids show would go right under the radar.

BYERS: It's like Jimmy looking for hidden messages inside 'The Wizard of ID', only this time it's real.

LANGLY: Man, I knew it was Gillnitz.

FROHIKE: Well, except it isn't.

LANGLY: What the hell are you talking about?

(FROHIKE produces the Chinese letter he found in CAP'N TOBY'S dressing room.)

FROHIKE: I found this in Cap'n Toby's coat. Now I don't know what it says, but it sure as hell isn't Yiddish. Sorry, Langly, but I think your Captain's sailing for the other side.

LANGLY: No. No way. I don't believe it. Look at him, there's no way he could sell out America.

(In the studio, CAP'N TOBY is surrounded by small children.)

(Suddenly, through the studio door, the FBI and AGENT BLYTHE turn up.)

LEAD AGENT: FBI. We have a warrant to search the premises. Folks, just bear with us please. It won't take long.

AGENT BLYTHE: Everybody, we ask you to stay put, stay calm, and we apologise for the inconvenience.

(JOHN GILLNITZ bursts out of his office to investigate what is going on in the studio. YVES and JIMMY follow the agents into the studio, and walk over to stand with BYERS, LANGLY and FROHIKE.)

JOHN GILLNITZ: What the hell is going on here? Excuse me, excuse me.

JIMMY: I'm sorry guys.

(AGENT BLYTHE quickly reappears from her search of CAP'N TOBY'S dressing room, holding a microfilm in her hand.) < b>

AGENT BLYTHE: Got it. Microfilm, it was hidden in his dressing room.

(CAP'N TOBY is now comforting a small girl, who is unsure about what is going on. LANGLY stares on, disbelievingly.)

CIA AGENT: Fred Tobalowski?

CAP'N TOBY: Yeah?

CIA AGENT: You're under arrest for a charge of espionage. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law. You have the right to speak to an attorney and have an attorney present during questioning. If you cannot afford a lawyer, one will be provided for you at Government expense. Do you understand these rights?




SCENE 18

(Lone Gunmen HQ. The Gunmen are watching a report of CAP'N TOBY'S arrest. The report is entitled "Tyke-Show Traitor")

ANNOUNCER: (On television) Shocking news out of Maryland today, as children's television host, Cap'n Toby, Fred Tobalowski, was arrested on federal charges of espionage. The FBI alleges that Tobalowski, working with unidentified co-conspirators, used his television show to pass US counter-intelligence secrets to the Government of China. No motive has been suggested for his alleged actions, although it is known that Tobalowski's wife of 18 years is a naturalised Chinese immigrant. Calls to the couple's suburban Baltimore home have gone unanswered. And now for further news let's go to field reporter, Lauren...

(LANGLY switches the television off)

LANGLY: I stuck it to my own childhood hero. I helped lead the Feds right to him. I'm like... the worse kind of rat. I don't believe it. Two dead FBI agents, there's no way he could have had a hand in that.

(The GUNMEN are downbeat.)

FROHIKE: Well, either way, the mainstream media kicked our butts on this one.

BYERS: They definitely beat us to the story, that's for certain.

YVES: They beat you to *a* story, but perhaps not the whole story.

(They walk over to stand around the computer YVES is working at.)

BYERS: What do you have, Yves?

YVES: This document Frohike found, the translation isn't complete yet, but it's clearly not counter-intelligence secrets.

(On the computer, YVES is running some kind of scanning and translation software. We see it translating the Chinese from the letter into plain English:)

Dear Fred:

Here is the recipe I promised last month

Guard it with your life

(The software continues. It's clearly not State secrets that are contained in the letter.)

JIMMY: Well, what is it then?

YVES: My best guess, a recipe for pot stickers. With quite too much ginger for my taste.

JIMMY: The guy's wife was Chinese, right? It could be hers. I mean, his wife being Chinese doesn't make either of them bad guys.

LANGLY: No, but the microfilm they found in his dressing room does.

FROHIKE: I've been thinking about that. I searched that dressing room before the Feds got there, and I never found it. I mean, it's possible I missed it, but...

JIMMY: It's possible... that that lady CIA Agent planted it. Which means, that she's the traitor and she'd do anything to hide it.

(The three GUNMEN look at each other, now upbeat and motivated by JIMMY'S observation.)

FROHIKE: We have to prove it, but how?

BYERS: By answering the question no one else has managed to answer - how exactly were secrets passed through the show?




SCENE 19

(Later in the studio. JOHN GILLNITZ is sitting in a hi-tech executive chair on the studio floor. He slowly turns around, much like a Bond villain.)

JOHN GILLNITZ: I guess it makes sense. Children's TV doesn't pay worth a damn, that's for sure. And that wife of his, I'm telling you now, I never trusted her.

(We see WAYNE, CLARENCE THE CRAB'S operator, is sitting on a step at the edge of the stage. They are both drinking Scotch.)

WAYNE: They're my friends. I'm not saying anything about either of them until I know the facts.

JOHN GILLNITZ: You never say anything anyway. You're like the Calvin Coolidge of second bananas.

(As WAYNE takes a sip of his drink, CLARENCE THE CRAB talks back to JOHN GILLNITZ.)

CLARENCE THE CRAB: Bite me, you hack.

JOHN GILLNITZ: Okay, you know what, take your muppet and get out of here.

(WAYNE gets up, taking CLARENCE THE CRAB with him. Left alone, JOHN GILLNITZ leans back in his chair, pondering.)

JOHN GILLNITZ: I just wish I knew how he did it.

(He gets up to get an stand by the magic porthole, which is lit from behind. It is still displaying the "Bye Bye" message from before.)




SCENE 20

(Later. Back in the studio. JOHN GILLNITZ enters with AGENT BLYTHE in tow. They walk around to the back of the set to where the magic porthole is operated from. )

JOHN GILLNITZ: Right here. This is it. So, you understand my conundrum. I write every word of his shows, I oversee the costumes, the set deck, everything. And so I'm wondering, how is it that secret information, in some form or other, could be communicated through my show? This is the answer. (He leads her around to the front of the magic porthole.) This is the only thing on this show that I have nothing to do with. Toby comes up with it every week, not me.

AGENT BLYTHE: Smart.

JOHN GILLNITZ: Come here, take a look at it. You have to get real close to see what I'm talking about. (He has his face pressed against the porthole) You have to sort of, like this.

(AGENT BLYTHE raises her wrist, so that her forearm is vertical. She shoots him with a dart. He falls to his knees, motionless.)




SCENE 21

(Later on in the studio. CAP'N TOBY enters from backstage. He slowly walks over to the set. The studio door slides open to a battery of reporters and flashbulbs. WAYNE struggles to make his way inside. He slides the door shut again.)

WAYNE: My God! Toby!

CAP'N TOBY: Thanks for coming Wayne. Sorry about that, I led them here, I had to get them away from my family.

WAYNE: How are you holding up?

CAP'N TOBY: Well I guess I shouldn't complain, I was lucky to get bail. Wayne - I need your help with something.

(They both sit down on the front row of the audience seating.)

WAYNE: Name it, anything.

CAP'N TOBY: I need to put on a show, here, today.

WAYNE: A show, you want to tape a show?

CAP'N TOBY: Yeah. The last one. I was hoping you could help me put a crew together, whoever would show up.

WAYNE: What about a script?

CAP'N TOBY: Oh, don't need one.

WAYNE: What about a studio audience?

CAP'N TOBY: That's the easy part.




SCENE 22

(A while later in the studio. The reporters who were outside are now occupying the audience seats. They are setting up their cameras, microphones.)

(From the back, BYERS, FROHIKE, LANGLY, YVES and JIMMY enter.)

FROHIKE: Where's John Gillnitz?

LANGLY: Neh, he probably jumped ship or, in this case, submarine.

BYERS: And not be here for the highest rated episode of the Cap'n Toby Show ever?

FROHIKE: I'm going to nose around.

(BYERS leaves with FROHIKE. LANGLY walks towards the stage. YVES and JIMMY stay back.)

(YVES notices a waste basket. There is a piece of paper with the "Koko's" logo on it showing.)

YVES: When you saw Agent Blythe at the mall, where was she?

JIMMY: Ah, a copy shop, Koko's.

(YVES takes the paper out of the basket and straightens it up. It looks like a work order.)

YVES: What was she doing?

JIMMY: I don't know. She was standing in line and then she saw me, and she left.

(YVES folds the paper up and leaves. JIMMY takes a few moments to realise where she's going. He follows her out of the stage door. LANGLY is watching the stage intently as CAP'N TOBY appears on set.)

CAP'N TOBY: Ahoy there, little mateys.

REPORTER 1: Mr. Tobalowski, are you ready to deal?

REPORTER 2: Do you have any regrets?

REPORTER 3: What sort of role model steals Government secrets?

REPORTER 4: Mr. Tobalowski, was your wife the ringleader?

(The reporters all start asking questions at the same time, until one question cannot be made out from the other. CAP'N TOBY motions for them to quieten down.)

REPORTER 5: Was it worth it?

CAP'N TOBY: That's better. One more time, "Ahoy little mateys". (The audience reacts slightly.) Alright then...




SCENE 24

(Back in the mall at Koko's Copy Centre. YVES is waiting in line with JIMMY. The clerk calls her over.)

KOKO'S CLERK: Ma'am.

YVES: Hi.

KOKO'S CLERK: Hi.

YVES: You should have an order for the Cap'n Toby Show.

KOKO'S CLERK: Got it right here.

(The CLERK produces a large cardboard tube.)

YVES: Put it on our account.

KOKO'S CLERK: All right.

YVES: Thanks.

(YVES takes the package over to a clear desk and takes the roll of paper from the tube. She starts to unroll it - revealing a large picture of a bear.)

JIMMY: It's for Cap'n Toby's magic porthole.

YVES: It's the artwork for it. They print one for every show apparently.

JIMMY: And do you think this is the reason Agent Blythe was here? Why?

(Suddenly, a pair of rose-coloured sunglasses are thrust between YVES and JIMMY from behind. We see AGENT BLYTHE is standing close behind them.)

AGENT BLYTHE: Try these.

(YVES holds the glasses in front of her eyes. They reveal a Chinese message in red writing over the artwork. We can make out the English characters 21/4/01 and ABW-74 ENG.)

YVES: You came here to clean up the evidence.

AGENT BLYTHE: Come quietly.

(AGENT BLYTHE'S wrist is right in the small of YVES' back. We see her dart weapon clearly pointing at her. JIMMY looks worried.)




SCENE 25

(In the studio, CAP'N TOBY is talking to CLARENCE THE CRAB.)

CAP'N TOBY: Well Clarence, what's the matter, you seem kind of glum?

CLARENCE THE CRAB I dunno... yeah I guess. I ran into this dolphin the other day, and he says France is a lot better than here. What am I living here for when there's somewhere that's better?

CAP'N TOBY: Because this is your home, and the thing about home is, there is no place better.

(Off to one side of the set, FROHIKE climbs down from the gantry above the stage. BYERS then investigates the tied-off ropes which are holding the lighting and stage props aloft.

FROHIKE: There's something up in the rafters. I can't quite make it out, but it's hanging from this rope. Help me out. You got it?

BYERS: Yeah.

CAP'N TOBY: Because we live in the one place that was built from the ground up on a great idea, that people ought to be free, that they should live as they wish, marry who they wish. A lot of people forget that sometimes and it doesn't always work the way it's supposed to, but the idea is great and always will be, and we should work to keep it that way, and never lose it.

(They struggle to release the rope, but suddenly it spring free.)

BYERS: Whoa!

FROHIKE: Whoa!

(As the rope races upwards, JOHN GILLNITZ'S body hurtles downwards toward the stage, right behind where CAP'N TOBY is standing. The rope becomes taught leaving JOHN GILLNITZ'S body suspended a few feet from the stage. CAP'N TOBY is completely unaware of what just happened. The crowd gasp in horror. CAP'N TOBY is baffled by their reaction.)

CAP'N TOBY: Not the reaction I'd hoped for.




SCENE 27

(On the rooftop of the mall complex. AGENT BLYTHE leads YVES and JIMMY towards the edge of the roof.)

YVES: Two FBI agents were on to you. Your joint CIA-FBI investigation was about to discover that you were the spy.

JIMMY: So you framed Cap'n Toby. Which was easy, 'cause his wife's Chinese. Why? Why'd you do it?

AGENT BLYTHE: Stop there.

(They stop as they near the railing.)

YVES: I doubt it was ideology. I'd say she did it for the money.

AGENT BLYTHE: And I'd say it's a bad day for snotty British know-it-alls.

(She begins to fire a dart at YVES, but JIMMY notices and jumps in front of her at the last minute, taking the dart in the chest, He tumbles over the railing in pain.)

YVES: Jimmy!!

(AGENT BLYTHE attempts to load another dart into her weapon, but can't manage to before YVES notices. YVES spots her opportunity. She boldly strides over to AGENT BLYTHE, kicking her high in the face, then punching her repeatedly. The two exchange roundhouse kicks and punches, trading blow for blow. YVES starts to get the better of AGENT BLYTHE, kicking her before she has a change to recover. YVES eventually highkicks her again, knocking her to the ground, out cold.)

YVES: Kapow, Bitch!

(She races down around the railing to where JIMMY is lying below. He must have fallen seven or eight feet to the concrete below. She holds his head up slightly, away from the cold concrete. He slowly begins to regain consciousness.)

YVES: Jimmy! Jimmy!

(She lifts his shirt, only to find the dart embedded in the strapping around his ribs and chest. He grins broadly.)

JIMMY: You're going to suck out the poison?

(YVES leans down towards his face, smiling.)

YVES: I think Frohike owes you one.

(JIMMY smiles back, before realising what YVES has said. His face turns to a look of shock.)




SCENE 28

(A bundle of copies of the new issue of "The Lone Gunman" drops to the floor. The latest headline reads "Double Agent Captured, Cap'n Toby vindicated." In the studio, an audience full of small children is again enthralled by The Cap'n Toby show.)

(Inside JOHN GILLNITZ'S office on the set, the GUNMEN are watching, smiling and happy to see CAP'N TOBY back where he belongs. Later, as LANGLY'S voiceover starts, we see him personally thanking BYERS, FROHIKE, YVES, JIMMY and LANGLY for their hard work in clearing his name.)

LANGLY: (Voiceover) So, like I said, everybody has one single best memory of childhood. That one perfect image that sums up everything wonderful about being a kid. And it's nice to think that mine might be the same as somebody else's somewhere. Somebody years younger even, representing a whole new generation. I mean, who knows, it's possible. Even with the competition nowadays, 500 channels of booty shakin' MTV. 'Cause even in this bold new century, kids need a good friend who's always looking out for them. Someone who'll help them grow up strong and true, and who will never make fun of their hair.

(As the scene continues, Bob Dylan's "Forever Young" plays in the background, reminding us all of our childhoods, however long ago they were.)

(CAP'N TOBY finally gets to the end of the line, where LANGLY is patiently waiting to shake his hand. Instead, CAP'N TOBY gives him a large hug. LANGLY is taken aback. CAP'N TOBY looks straight at LANGLY.)

FRED TOBALOWSKI: I'm sorry, young lady, I forgot your name. (LANGLY blankly smiles back at CAP'N TOBY.)

LANGLY: (Voiceover) That last one's unimportant.

[THE END]





(The Executive Producers' credit was shown on the magic porthole from the Cap'n Toby Show.)




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