The characters, plotlines, quotes, etc. included here are owned by Chris Carter and 1013 Productions, all rights reserved. The following transcript is in no way a substitute for the show "The X Files" and is merely meant as a homage. This transcript is not authorized or endorsed by Chris Carter, 1013 Productions, or Fox Entertainment. It was painstakingly typed out by Alexandre Doctor-X and DrWeesh (with special mention to schwartze for identifying the TLG episodes in the teaser), and made available for your personal enjoyment by me, DrWeesh from my website, InsideTheX.


(We start with a voiceover from our good friend, MORRIS FLETCHER, accompanied by scenes of the The Lone Gunmen in action from The X-Files their own mini-series, interspersed with dialogue from BYERS, LANGLY and FROHIKE.)

MORRIS: Once upon a time there were three... how shall I put this... geeks. Three more unlikely heroes there never were.

(From KILL SWITCH (5X11) -- FROHIKE with a light reflector headband on working on a laptop. LANGLY and BYERS are there. FROHIKE holds out his hand for an instrument. LANGLY looks for it.]

(From BLOOD (2X03) -- FROHIKE looking through a fluorescent light/ magnifying glass. LANGLY and BYERS are there on either side of him. They look so young.]

(From TLG: PILOT (1X79) -- LANGLY, BYERS and FROHIKE under the bridge.]

(From THREE WORDS (8X17) -- FROHIKE and LANGLY propelling down the elevator / electrical shaft.]

(From APOCRYPHA (3X16) - shots of BYERS, LANGLY and FROHIKE ice skating.]

(From THREE WORDS (8X17) -- more elevator / electrical shaft shots.]

(From MEMENTO MORI (4X15) -- looking down manhole. Also, shot of LANGLY and FROHIKE in the tunnels.]

(From THREE OF A KIND (6X19) -- LANGLY with gun, walking forward and firing twice.]

(From THE UNUSUAL SUSPECTS (5X01) -- more gun fire from two unknown men, TLG are on the floor rolling about trying to stay out of the line of fire.]

(From FIRST PERSON SHOOTER (7X13) -- FROHIKE and BYERS in game gear. BYERS has been hit with yellow ink]

(From TLG: MAXIMUM BYERS (1X07) -- BYERS close up and saying: ]

BYERS: We defend the defenceless. I don't see any other way.

MORRIS: It wasn't long before their naivete nearly got them killed. So they hooked up with an FBI agent.

(From THE UNUSUAL SUSPECTS (5X01) -- BYERS, LANGLY and FROHIKE with their hands up / MR. X holding his gun on BYERS' head with LANGLY and FROHIKE watching close by, MR. X pulls the trigger. The gun clicks. It's empty. BYERS closes his eyes in relief.]

(From WETWIRED (3X23) -- TLG and MULDER looking at the television cable tube under a fluorescent light.]

(From EBE (1X16) -- BYERS talking to MULDER. MULDER laughing.]

BYERS: That's why we like you, Mulder. Your ideas are weirder than ours.

(MORRIS FLETCHER holds up an issue with the headline "MONICA: MINX OR MANDROID?")

MORRIS: And began publishing a... what shall I call it... rag, called "The Lone Gunman."

(From DREAMLAND II (6X05) -- MORRIS FLETCHER at the TLG offices holding up the TLG publication with the headline: "Monica: Minx or Mandroid?"]

(From TLG: BOND, JIMMY BOND (1X01) -- stack of unsold/ undelivered TLG newspapers in the alleyway as the TLG van is being pushed in.]

(From TLG: PILOT (1X79) -- LANGLY holding up TLG publication with the headline: "Teletubbies = Mindcontrol" and BYERS close up. LANGLY says, ]

LANGLY: The guys at the NSA and the CIA, they tremble every time we put out one of these babies.

(LANGLY holds up another issue of The Lone Gunman, the main headline "TELETUBBIES = MIND CONTROL.")

MORRIS: From their cramped basement office, they pointed fingers at powerful, evil forces.

(From DREAMLAND II (6X05) -- FROHIKE in cooking apron serving LANGLY a big heaping spoonful of Huevos Rancheros.]

(From WETWIRED (3X23) -- Mulder sitting in chair and turning around while listening to TLG. They move toward a stack of television sets ready to show him something.]

(From TLG: PILOT (1X79) -- Two men sitting in a cramped computer room. The DOD Operator is on a laptop trying to trace the hack. The other, HELM, is sitting next to him giving him direction.]

MORRIS: And some not so evil.

(From TLG: ALL ABOUT YVES (1X12) -- Close up of MORRIS FLETCHER smiling. He's in a metal elevator or something.]

MORRIS: In their own unique way, the three Gunmen were patriots, fighting the good fight.

(From TLG: LIKE WATER FOR OCTANE (1X03) - The Gunmen in pose each in front of a different coloured background. FROHIKE in front of a red background, LANGLY in front of a white background, and BYERS in front of a blue background.]

(From TLG: PILOT (1X79) -- BYERS and FROHIKE running through muddied ground at ABC Salvage. FROHIKE trips and falls on his face into the mud.]

(From TLG: ALL ABOUT YVES (1X12) -- LANGLY, FROHIKE and BYERS facing MORRIS FLETCHER. LANGLY is speaking and approaching FLETCHER. FLETCHER laughing and smiling.]

LANGLY: We tell the stories others refuse to tell.

MORRIS: (laughs) Yeah, that's one way to put it. And provided... expertise... for their friends at the FBI.

(From TLG: PILOT (1X79) -- FROHIKE in the "Mission Impossible" spoof with him being lowered by BYERS from the roof into the secure computer room from a trapeze triangle.]

(From TLG: PILOT (1X79) -- FROHIKE and BYERS are busted. FROHIKE falls to the floor. There are other men in the room. Including LANGLY.]

(From EBE (1X16) -- FROHIKE with a camera with a telephoto lens. He takes SCULLY'S picture. SCULLY'S sitting there. FROHIKE with camera says,]

FROHIKE: She's hot.

MORRIS: For a brief time, it looked as if they might actually make a difference in this cold, cruel world.

(From TLG: LIKE WATER FOR OCTANE (1X03) -- FROHIKE with a head lamp being lowered into something]

(From TLG: ALL ABOUT YVES (1X12) -- BYERS with blue face in a room that moves]

(From TLG: LIKE WATER FOR OCTANE (1X03) - TLG in the tunnels ... through the tunnels.]

(From TLG: PILOT (1X79) -- FROHIKE with the computer chip from the pilot.]

(From TLG: BOND, JIMMY BOND (1X01) -- the shoji door opens and FROHIKE is standing there.]

(From TLG: ALL ABOUT YVES (1X12) -- LANGLY with blue face.]

(From TLG: BOND, JIMMY BOND (1X01) -- FROHIKE doing high and long karate kick.]

(From TLG: BOND, JIMMY BOND (1X01) -- FROHIKE being tackled by 3 deaf football players.]

MORRIS: They acquired an intern who believed in their cause.

(From TLG: BOND, JIMMY BOND (1X01) -- JIMMY removing sunglasses while checking on FROHIKE.]

(From TLG: BOND, JIMMY BOND (1X01) -- BYERS helping FROHIKE up. Someone lightly slapping FROHIKE'S face.]

(From TLG: BOND, JIMMY BOND (1X01) -- TLG standing in the alleyway after pushing the delivery van and a close up of JIMMY BOND smiling.]

JIMMY: Let's fight the lost causes. I want to help.

MORRIS: And a powerful, beautiful nemesis...

(From TLG: BOND, JIMMY BOND (1X01) -- BYERS opens door and YVES ADELE HARLOW is standing there in her black outfit.]

(From TLG: BOND, JIMMY BOND (1X01) -- BYERS and FROHIKE with LANGLY peering at YVES from the other side of the door.]

(From TLG: PILOT (1X79) -- YVES with a gun at the firing range. YVES with goggles and two guns at the same range.]

MORRIS: ... who became an ally. (Clips of YVES from the GUNMEN series accompany MORRIS' voiceover.) But the world is not kind to idealists ...

(From TLG: BOND, JIMMY BOND (1X01) -- YVES kisses BYERS on the cheek in the TLG van.]

(From TLG: ALL ABOUT YVES (1X12) -- LANGLY with blue stuff sprayed on his face.]

(From TLG: ALL ABOUT YVES (1X12) -- BYERS, FROHIKE, JIMMY with MORRIS FLETCHER. FLETCHER is laughing hysterically.]

MORRIS: ... And those who fight the good fight, don't always win.

(From TLG: ALL ABOUT YVES (1X12) -- TLG with blue face as guards surround them.]

(From TLG: PILOT (1X79) -- TLG looking at something on the computers. while camera pans backward away from them.]

[Fade to black]



(A shark swims through the clear blue waters of the Caribbean. (A pun on the title of this episode.) The GUNMEN theme plays as we reach the surface and notice a small motor launch. Inside the launch, two notebook PCs are displaying navigation and maps, a radar pinging. A young blonde, BRITTANY carries two large cocktails to the back of the boat, where we see MORRIS FLETCHER, having swapped his Black suits for a bright Hawaiian shirt. )

BRITTANY: Morris? Morris, it's going "ping!"

MORRIS: (Lewdly) Oh, it most certainly is.


BRITTANY: You're gonna make me spill. Morris, what is all that stuff, anyway?

MORRIS: Now baby, don't make me talk shop. It is so boring.

BRITTANY: But I want to know.

(MORRIS takes a bottle of sun lotion and BRITTANY turns around so that MORRIS can rub it on her back.)

MORRIS: All right. where do I begin? You know we're in the Bermuda Triangle, right?

BRITTANY: Mmmm-hmmm ...

MORRIS: That place where all those planes and ships mysteriously disappeared.

BRITTANY: Mmmm-hmmm ...

MORRIS: Who do you think named it the "Bermuda Triangle"?

BRITTANY: Wait. You?

MORRIS: Yeah, that was in my former life, before I joined the private sector. There are a lot of things I can't talk about, owing to matters of National Security. But I will say this... there are powerful forces out here. Primal, other worldly forces. Hidden beneath the waves. Just waiting to be... (MORRIS smoothly unhooks her bikini top) plucked by man.

BRITTANY: Somebody's coming.

(MORRIS puts his shades on as we se anther small motor launch approaching the boat. 3 men are on board.)

MORRIS: Hey, whatever you're sellin', we don't want any, okay? No ghanga.

(As the boat pulls alongside, two of the men climb into MORRIS' boat. One grabs BRITTANY and takes her over to the other boat, whilst another gets out a silenced gun and points it at MORRIS.)

MORRIS: Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait!

MORRIS: Uh... Oh, you want the girl? I... I can dig it. I'm down with that.

(One of the men grabs a gas can from the other boat and starts pouring fuel all over MORRIS' boat. MORRIS looks worried.)

MORRIS: Uh... Oh, wait, wait, wait, guys! This is a rental! There's a 15 thousand dollar deposit on this

MAN: Your employer wanted me to tell you... (He plants the gun between MORRIS' eyes. He closes his eyes and squirms.) You're fired.

(Whilst MORRIS has his eyes firmly closed, the man climbs back on board the other boat. They have BRITTANY hostage and as the boat moves away, MORRIS realises he is still alive. Once the men are about 25 feet away, one of the lights a flare and throws it back towards MORRIS' fuel-filled boat. MORRIS watches it spin through the air, landing in his boat and immediately igniting the fuel in a mass of flames. MORRIS dives overboard, seconds before the boat explodes in a fireball. After a few seconds, we begin to notice small pieces of boat floating in the sea, still alight. Papers float on the surface, showing detailed drawings of what appear to be craft. As we fade out, we notice one of the plans bears a remarkable resemblance to the circular UFOs we have seen in the series. There is still no sign of MORRIS.)


(Day. MORRIS FLETCHER sits alone in a room, a fan providing some form of relief to the hot air. He looks shaken, quiet. The door opens, and he turns to see DOGGETT and REYES enter the room.)

DOGGETT: Morris Fletcher?

(MORRIS soon perks up a little.)

MORRIS: Finally. What took you so long? You must be Reyes. EnchantÚ.

REYES: Yeah. Mr. Fletcher, we've been told you requested us by name. We're very curious about that.

MORRIS: Well, you two head the FBI's X-Files unit, do you not? I thought you'd appreciate what I have to offer.

DOGGETT: Which is?

MORRIS: You have no idea who you're sittin' here with, do you?

(MORRIS tries to impress them.)

DOGGETT: A guy who's up fudge creek for violatin' the Federal Secrets Act. How's that for starters?

MORRIS: I-I've got Top Security Clearance. I'm supposed to check-in every month with my former employer. So I skipped a few phone calls. Big deal. Let me give you a hint. I used to work at Groom Lake, Nevada. (REYES and DOGGETT make no sign of interest in this piece of information.) Area 51? I was a man in black. "The" Men in Black. What you've never heard of us?

DOGGETT: (Dryly) I saw the movie.

MORRIS: Yeah, well... there were a lot of technical inaccuracies in that thing. Anyway, I'm ready to make a deal.

DOGGETT: What deal would that be?

MORRIS: The one that saves my furry pink ass. People are tryin' to kill me. Did you hear about my boat?

REYES: Yeah. Your female companion told us what she witnessed.

MORRIS: My fem... Oh, you mean they didn't kill... (MORRIS desperately searches for her name, but doesn't make it.)

REYES: Brittany? Brittney?

MORRIS: Brittany. Oh... Oh, thank God she's still alive. Look, I need protection. I need to get out of here. You scratch my back, I'll scratch yours. I can give you guys the keys to the kingdom. UFO's, aliens, the whole 50 year cover-up. I was there for all of it.

(REYES pulls some papers out of her bag, including a large crumpled piece of paper.)

REYES: Tell me, Mr. Fletcher, these documents of yours? Are they indicative of the kind of secrets you can reveal to us?

(MORRIS leans over the table, trying to prove his authority.)

MORRIS: (To REYES) Honey... they're just the tip of the iceberg.

(REYES turns around the paper to reveal a diagram of a craft.)

REYES: This is the Jupiter Two from "Lost In Space."

(MORRIS' demeanour quickly changes to defensive.)

MORRIS: Okay, yeah. Yeah, those-those-those are B.S. (Trying to save his credentials.) But only those. Yeah, I was freelancing for this foreign billionaire. I told him the Air Force lost a flying saucer in the Bermuda Triangle, and that I could recover it for him. I just wanted to cruise the Bahamas. I never would have given him the real thing. That would be un-American.

DOGGETT: Come now.

(REYES and DOGGETT look at each other and get up to leave. The are heading out the door. MORRIS gets agitated.)

MORRIS: Look, he found out about it. Now he wants to kill me. I need protection. Super Soldiers.

(DOGGETT'S head turns on the way out as he hears the word. He turns around to MORRIS. REYES enters and they close the door behind them.)

DOGGETT: What do you know about Super Soldiers?

MORRIS: A bit. It may be there's one I can help you lay your hands on.

DOGGETT: This Super Solider... he have a name?

MORRIS: Not "he".... (Pause) "She".


(A monitor shows REYES and DOGGETT standing outside the GUNMEN'S door. They press the buzzer.)

FROHIKE: (To BYERS) What the hell do they want?

(DOGGETT thumps on the door. FROHIKE begins to unlock the 4 locks, and eventually opens the door. REYES enters, followed by DOGGETT.)

DOGGETT: Gentlemen.

REYES: What happened here? Did you get robbed?

LANGLY: No ...

FROHIKE: Uh, we're upgrading everything.

LANGLY: Yeah. We gave away all our old crap to the Salvation Army. We're buying totally new stuff.

BYERS: Well, what can we do for you, agents?

DOGGETT: Well, we were hoping you could help us out. You know that for months now, we've been investigating this secret cadre. These, uh, so-called Super Soldiers.

BYERS: Genetically altered humans.

FROHIKE: You mean the ones that want to kill Mulder.

REYES: Exactly. We'd like your help tracking one down.

DOGGETT: This woman.

(REYES gives FROHIKE a picture. It is YVES.)

REYES: Do you recognize her?

(FROHIKE passes the picture to LANGLY.)

LANGLY: She's, uh... she's a fellow hacker. Damn fine one.

BYERS: She calls herself Yves Adele Harlow. Uh, it's not her real name.

FROHIKE: Well, we never learned her real name. She disappeared a year ago and nobody's seen her since.

DOGGETT: No, we have reason to believe that she's resurfaced, and that she's become one of these Super Soldiers.

(The GUNMEN laugh at DOGGETT's suggestion.)

FROHIKE:What in the hell are you talking about? She's no Super Soldier.

BYERS: Absolutely not.

LANGLY: Not a chance. Who told you that?

(A voice suddenly interrupts the GUNMEN, coming from the doorway.)

MORRIS: This is pointless. These three monkeys couldn't find stink in an outhouse. Why are we even here?

(FROHIKE looks at MORRIS, his anger building.)

FROHIKE: (angry) You... son of a...

FROHIKE: Let me at him! I'll kill him!

(FROHIKE picks up a putter and holds it up, threatening MORRIS. FROHIKE lunges towards MORRIS, but DOGGETT grabs the putter, halting his attempt. LANGLY is also angry.

LANGLY: I'll hold him down!

REYES: Whoa, fellas.

BYERS: You got a nerve coming here.

FROHIKE: You little son of a bitch!

MORRIS: Told you they wouldn't help.

DOGGETT: All right, everybody just shut up.

BYERS: This man is a professional liar. every word out of his mouth.

LANGLY: He's a scam artist. He used us to track Yves down a year ago.

FROHIKE: And then he abducted her.

MORRIS: Which is why I know what happened to her. (MORRIS clears his throat.) I facilitated a meeting, is all. The man I was working for, I didn't know in advance what he was planning to do to her. Not my finest hour. I'll admit it.

BYERS: every word out of his mouth.

MORRIS: Agents, I'm tellin' ya, you don't want these three involved. I mean, they don't even have their ridiculous tinker toy gizmos. This place is like "How The Grinch Stole Radio Shack."

DOGGETT: All right, you three know this woman, I want your help. We need to track down this Yves Adele Harlow.

(The GUNMEN pay attention to DOGGETT'S request.)


(Night. The silhouette of a woman, whom can tell is YVES, appears behind the frosted glass of a corridor door. She opens the door and proceeds to a door, marked "PROFESSOR HOUGHTON". YVES makes sure no-one has followed her before entering. PROFESSOR HOUGHTON, a bearded man in his 40's, doesn't look up from his paperwork as he speaks.)


(YVES enters, closing the door behind her. PROFESSOR HOUGHTON looks up, somewhat taken aback.)

PROFESSOR HOUGHTON: Oh. My office hours are three to five, Mondays and Fridays.

YVES: You'll make time for me, Professor.

(YVES reaches into her jeans and pulls out a dart gun. She aims it at a startled PROFESSOR HOUGHTON, and fires.)


(A man wearing a dark suit enters the corridor and makes his way to PROFESSOR HOUGHTON'S office. It is PROFESSOR GILLNITZ, who appears to be a similar age to PROFESSOR HOUGHTON. He knocks on PROFESSOR HOUGHTON'S door, calling through the door.)

PROFESSOR GILLNITZ: Douglas, are you ready to go? Douglas?

(Hearing no response, he takes a key out of his pocket and unlocks the door. He enters and immediately notices the window at the back of the room open, the blinds twisted. He walks to the window, looking out of it. He sees YVES, running across the campus away from the window. PROFESSOR GILLNITZ turns away from the window, and checks the rest of the room. He notices off to one side, and investigates. He finds PROFESSOR HOUGHTON, dead on the floor. He is laying on his back, his shirt ripped open, and a large bloodsoaked wound in his chest.)

[Fade to black]


(Back at Gunmen HQ. LANGLY, wearing a Joey Ramone t-shirt, is sat at a computer. FROHIKE and BYERS lean beside him.)

LANGLY: Airline reservation database. What name do we look under?

BYERS: Try her old stand-by. Different anagrams of Lee Harvey Oswald.

(MORRIS appears from the back of the room, reading an old issue of The Lone Gunman.)

MORRIS: "Area 51 ExposÚ!" Ooo! Where's your new issue? This one's a year old.

FROHIKE: Back off, Skeezick.

MORRIS: You'll never find her that way.

LANGLY: He's right. No anagrams for Yves Adele Harlow.

(The search software running on LANGLY'S computer fails to give any results.)

MORRIS: So, who's Joey?

(MORRIS has noticed LANGLY'S t-shirt.)

LANGLY: What? Joey Ramone? Leader of the greatest punk rock band in human history. Now shut up!

(LANGLY notices MORRIS taking a little too much interest in him.)


MORRIS: (Sigh) What are you, 34, 35? Why don't you cut your hair and grow up, huh?

LANGLY: I need to remind you, Fletcher, that Doggett and Reyes aren't here to save you.

MORRIS: Get yourself a real hero, anyway. Not some dead teeny bopper.

(LANGLY throws down his keyboard and gets up, walking over to where MORRIS is sitting.)

LANGLY: You want to know why Joey Ramone's my hero? 'Cause people like you never managed to grind him down. They never stole his spirit. He never gave in, never gave up, and never sold out. Right till his last breath. And he's not dead. Guys like that? They live forever.

BYERS: (From the background) Langly? Just ignore him.

(MORRIS sighs again.)

MORRIS: Look, if we have to work together, let's work together.

FROHIKE: We don't have to work together.

MORRIS: Watching you three try and find your butts with both hands is not my idea of a fun time. Now, wouldn't it be easier tracking Yves if you knew her real name?

BYERS: You know her real name?

MORRIS: Lois Runtz.

BYERS: (Laugh) Lois Runtz. Uh-huh.

MORRIS: I'm telling you the truth, boys.

FROHIKE: Well, if you were, it'd be a first.

(They suddenly hear a knock coming from the wall. They look around.)

BYERS: Nobody knows about that door. That's our secret door.

MORRIS: Does Lois know about it? Yves?

(FROHIKE picks up the putter he tried to attack MORRIS with earlier, whilst they open the secret door. It slowly opens, and JIMYY slowly appears from the darkness. He leans against the doorway, looking clearly exhausted.)

BYERS: Jimmy?

JIMMY: Guys...

(JIMMY collapses onto the floor in front of the doorway.)

(Later. LANGLY changes the cold cloth on JIMMY's forehead. He is lying on the couch, recovering.)

LANGLY: Jimmy? How you feelin', man?

MORRIS: Oh, right. The old errand boy. The guy used to intern for you losers, right? I wondered what happened to you.

(JIMMY looks over to MORRIS.)

JIMMY: Why is he here?

BYERS: FBI business. It's a long story.

FROHIKE: Where the hell ya been, big guy?

JIMMY: Zurich. I was in Malta. And Yemen. And just now, New Jersey. It's been a rough geology lesson. I ran out of money, so I hitch-hiked here. I snuck in the back, 'cause I didn't know if the place was being watched. (JIMMY sits up.) I just had to see you guys. It's about Lois. Lois Runtz - that's Yves' real name.

MORRIS: I told ya so. Hey, wait a minute. You tracked her all over the world? You? Mr. Brain Power here is lucky to be alive. Why did you send him? Were you tryin' to get him killed?

LANGLY: He sent himself to find Yves. We tried to talk him out of it.

JIMMY: Now I almost wish you had.

(JIMMY leans forward, looking pained.)

BYERS: Jimmy, what is it? Are you all right?

JIMMY: Last night... I traced her to a little college in New Jersey. It's the closest I've been... been in a year of searching. I saw her. I actually laid my eyes on her. I called to her. But she ran. Later on, I... I found out. Guys? I think she murdered somebody.


(YVES is inside what looks like a boiler room. She opens the furnace door, and reaches into her backpack. She takes out a respirator and puts it on, covering her mouth and nose. She then takes out a clear plastic bag, containing a square object, roughly three inches across, and tosses it into the furnace. She waits for it to burn, before taking off her respirator)

YVES: One down.


(REYES and DOGGETT enter through a doorway and walk down the corridor, passing a large fishtank containing beautiful shark swimming around. At the end of the corridor, we notice PROFESSOR GILLNITZ sitting on a bench against the wall.)

REYES: John Gillnitz? I'm Agent Reyes, and this is Agent Doggett. Is this the woman you saw last night?

(REYES hands him the picture of YVES.)

PROFESSOR GILLNITZ: Uh... it was dark, uh... it could have been her. Do you have her in custody?

DOGGETT: We're workin' on it. Sir, what can you tell us about your friend? Do you have any reason why he may have been targeted?

PROFESSOR GILLNITZ: Absolutely none. Douglas was a wonderful teacher, and an even better researcher.

REYES: What did he research?

PROFESSOR GILLNITZ: Elasmo Bronchi. Sharks, rays and skates.

REYES: He was a marine biologist?

PROFESSOR GILLNITZ: An immunologist. Sharks have a remarkable immune system. Toxins that would kill nearly any other vertebrate pass right through them.

DOGGETT: So he did medical research?

PROFESSOR GILLNITZ: Douglas wanted to save the world.

(Beat. DOGGETT and REYES look at each other.)


(Back in Gunmen HQ, the GUNMEN and MORRIS have been joined by nerd friend and hacker KIMMY.)

MORRIS: Cheer up, Gomer. You're bringin' the whole room down.

KIMMY: This is a computer, Langly. Com-pu-ter. Step away before you embarrass yourself.

LANGLY: Always a pleasure, Kimmy.

KIMMY: Yeah, yeah! So then, how do you wish to partake... of my hacking genius?

FROHIKE: Well, thanks to Jimmy, we know Yves' real name.

MORRIS: Hey, I told ya before he did.

LANGLY: Jimmy also told us what kind of car she's driving. Silver X5 with New York plates.

KIMMY: Really? Way to go, Special Ed.

BYERS: The New Jersey Turnpike has video cameras at every toll booth. Langly hacked the system and spotted her southbound at Newark.

KIMMY: Somewhat creative.

(LANGLY brings up a series of still short showing a tunnel and a car passing through it.)

LANGLY: We spotted her again going through the Fort McHenry Tunnel. She passed through not 20 minutes ago.

BYERS: We're betting she's headed for D.C. We're going to try to intercept her, with your help.."

FROHIKE: Think you might find a military satellite you could piggy back? Give us a bird's-eye view of the beltway?

KIMMY: Intriguing. Stand aside, ladies.

(KIMMY cracks his knuckles and starts typing.)

FROHIKE: We'll be on the cell.

MORRIS: I got shotgun.

LANGLY: Dream on. You're staying here.

(BYERS turns to JIMMY as he leaves.)

BYERS: We need somebody we can trust keeping an eye on Fletcher.

JIMMY: (Smiling at BYERS.) I'm on it.

(BYERS leaves, closing the door behind him. JIMMY turns to MORRIS, who tries to start up a conversation.)

MORRIS: So, how'd you like Malta?


(The MEDICAL EXAMINER examiner enters the autopsy room, followed by DOGGETT and REYES. They walk over to a trolley, upon which lies a body covered by a sheet. The MEDICAL EXAMINER pulls it back to reveal PROFESSOR HOUGHTON. We can see the large wound in the centre of his chest.)

MEDICAL EXAMINER: The only thing I can't say for sure is what killed him. He was injected with some sort of tiny poisoned pellet. But the wound in his chest? Was post-mortem.

(DOGGETT looks at the wound. It is pinkish in colour.)

DOGGETT: What is that?

MEDICAL EXAMINER: That's what I said. My best guess is bioluminescence, but, uh, I'm still waitin' to hear back from our lab.

REYES: Bioluminescence? As in the stuff that makes lightning bugs glow?

MEDICAL EXAMINER: Lightning bugs, plankton, jellyfish. But, uh, generally not dead college professors.

DOGGETT: So what, this stuff was put on post-mortem?

MEDICAL EXAMINER: No. As near as I can tell, it bleed out of him. (Beat) it gets weirder still. When I opened him up, I found adhesions that indicate past surgery, so I'm figuring I'll find he had a bypass or a pacemaker. Instead, I find... this.

(He picks up a metal tray, upon which lies a white piece of tissue.)

REYES: Looks like cartilage.

MEDICAL EXAMINER: It is. It was living tissue grafted into him. I have absolutely no idea why.

(Wearing a surgical glove, DOGGETT picks up the piece of tissue in his hand and looks at it. He holds it so that it forms what looks like an open envelope, with a central cavity.)

DOGGETT: Look, it held something. Something that's now missing. Could that be the purpose of this wound? A little ad hoc surgery?

REYES: Maybe that was the very purpose of the murder. Whatever was inside him, she removed it.

DOGGETT: What the hell was inside him?



(REYES and DOGGETT are standing in the Gunmen HQ.)

MORRIS: I have no clue. Seriously, this is the first time hearing of it. Weird organs? I don't know what to tell you.

REYES: You've never heard of the man? Professor Douglas Houghton?

MORRIS: (Beat) You're looking at me oddly.

DOGGETT: Perhaps because you've been known to lie on occasion.

(JIMMY stands over MORRIS, intimidating him.)

MORRIS: Well I'm not lying now. I've said from the start, I didn't know what she was up to.

(KIMMY cries out from the background, hitting the keyboard in disgust.)

KIMMY: Dammit! Crashed again! I cannot make magic with sub-standard equipment.

DOGGETT: What's the problem?

KIMMY: The problem is... it's a freakin' piece of junk! I knew those guys were broke, but this is pathetic.

(REYES and DOGGETT share a look.)

REYES: The guys are broke?

KIMMY: Are you kidding? Look around this dump. They had to hock all their stuff just to pay the rent.

MORRIS: What about this?

KIMMY: Oh, their "paper"? Deader than disco. They haven't published in months.

(MORRIS picks up the latest issue, the headline is "DOUBLE AGENT CAPTURED - CAP'N TOBY VINDICATED"

MORRIS: (Chuckle) So saving the world doesn't pay the bills. There's a hot news flash for ya, huh? (chuckles) What chumps.

JIMMY: They were gettin' by all right, till you put 'em out of business.

MORRIS: Oh. And how exactly did I do that?

JIMMY: When you took Yves. They spent every last dime trying to find her. They're loyal to their friends. Hilarious, huh?

(REYES cell phone rings. She picks it up and answers.)

REYES: Reyes.

BYERS: (On phone) You'd better get here quick.

REYES: (into phone) Where are you?

BYERS: (into phone) The Hotel Farragut. Hurry.


(Hotel Farragut. BYERS and FROHIKE are peering around a corridor using a small mirror on the end of a metal rod. We see YVES crouching behind a laundry trolley further down the corridor. FROHIKE takes another look in the mirror. A man, LEONARD SOUTHHALL, approaches the trolley from the other side, and enters a hotel room before passing the trolley. After he has entered, YVES gets up and approaches the door.)

FROHIKE: She's gonna kill that guy.

BYERS: Doggett and Reyes are on their way.

(BYERS, LANGLY and FROHIKE all peer around the corner as YVES enters the room.)

LANGLY: By then it'll be too late.

(YVES quietly enters the room, but the man she is following is nowhere to be seen. She hears him in the bathroom and quickly hides behind a door as her enters the bedroom. She is armed with the same dart gun she used against PROFESSOR HOUGHTON. At the same time, the GUNMEN burst in, startling the man.)

FROHIKE: Yves! Don't do it!

(LEONARD SOUTHHALL sees YVES hiding behind the door, and pushes the door into her, knocking her to the ground. He forces his way past the GUNMEN and out into the corridor. The GUNMEN recover. YVES is lying unconscious on the floor, her gun beside her.)

[Fade to black]


(Later in the hotel room. BYERS, LANGLY and FROHIKE are sitting near the window. JIMMY is sitting on the end of the bed, next to a now conscious YVES.)

JIMMY: Lois? Should I call you that?

YVES: I prefer Yves.

LANGLY: So... we take it you're not a Super Soldier?

YVES: Super what?

BYERS: Long story. Never mind.

FROHIKE: You weren't seriously gonna smoke that guy, were you?

YVES: I know you three mean well. But I can't begin to tell you how badly you've mucked things up.

(DOGGETT and REYES enter through a door.)

DOGGETT: So, this guy just up and bolted?

LANGLY: He hit her, and then he took off.

REYES: Nobody's seen him. The room is registered to one Leonard Southhall of Darrian, Connecticut.

YVES: It's an alias.

DOGGETT: It's a stolen ID. The real Leonard Southhall died in 1996. You want to tell me who that was?

YVES: His real name? I have no idea.

(DOGGETT picks up YVES' backpack and empties it onto the desk.)

DOGGETT: This is your bag, isn't it? That was quite a party you got planned for him. Respirator. Surgical gloves. Scalpel. (DOGGETT holds up YVES' dart gun.) Not to mention this little item here.

REYES: You were planning to cut him open, Ms. Runtz, just like you did the professor. Why?

JIMMY: It can't be true. Tell 'em it's not.

YVES: It is, Jimmy. Time is running short. Unless you let me finish what I started, innocent people will die.

DOGGETT: You want to elaborate on that?

YVES: First things first. Who was it that put you on to me?



(Gunmen HQ. MORRIS' head is pushed down onto the desk forcefully.)

MORRIS: Okay, guys. So she's not a Super Soldier. I made an honest mistake.

(YVES peels off the plaster on MORRIS' face. Under the gauze we can see a square miniature circuit board.)

YVES: As I suspected. It's a tracking device. I'm sure he meant to activate it, once he knew you had me.

(DOGGETT and REYES examine the device.)

DOGGETT: You've been wearin' that since Miami. You were runnin' a scam on us from the start.

REYES: Blowing up the boat, the girl as your witness. You planned all that.

(MORRIS smiles.)

DOGGETT: That and all the Super Soldier bull. All that was just to hook us.

BYERS: So that you two would, in turn, hook us.

FROHIKE: And we'd track down Yves for this slimeball all over again.

(MORRIS is now grinning like a fox.)

MORRIS: Well, what can I tell you? You three always get the job done for me.

DOGGETT: Who do you work for, Fletcher?

(MORRIS nods to YVES.)

YVES: An international arms dealer. A billionaire. And scum of the earth.

MORRIS: And... he's also...

YVES: My father. My father is a murderer, and a supporter of terrorism. I hate everything he stands for.

JIMMY: Yves? You're a murderer, too.

YVES: The man I killed was a terrorist, Jimmy. A zealot whose research was funded by my father for its potential as a weapons system.

REYES: Houghton was an immunologist, doing research on sharks.

YVES: Yes. And he used his knowledge of their immune system to devise a vessel of sorts. One that kept him safe from an engineered virus that he carried within him.

DOGGETT: This man had living tissue implanted in his chest.

REYES: Cartilage. Shark cartilage. It contained something which you removed.

DOGGETT: That was this virus you're talkin' about?

YVES: I destroyed it, but it was only one of two.

LANGLY: Oh, man. The bald dude at the hotel. The one that got away.

YVES: Think of him as a human time bomb. He can pass by any sniff dog, any metal detector, and no one would ever suspect.

BYERS: What triggers this time bomb?

YVES: Programmed cellular death. Genetically altered to a high degree of precision. The way the vessel is decaying inside of him is virtually clock-like. It will lose integrity and rupture at eight o'clock... tonight.

KIMMY: Five hours from now?

YVES: This virus, once it's airborne, its kill radius is five or six miles, depending on the winds. Potentially, it could kill thousands. Tens of thousands.

FROHIKE: Fletcher, I knew you were a dirt bag, but still... how could you be a party to this?

YVES: Fletcher's a con-man, not a killer. He didn't know about it.

(DOGGETT looks worried.)

DOGGETT: Providing all this is true, how do we track this man down?

(Later. Everyone is grouped around KIMMY, who is sitting at the computer. Some mapping software is running. KIMMY starts to zoom in on the map.)

LANGLY: Kimmy, zoom in more. Zoom in!

KIMMY: Back off, kibitzer! I'm doin' it! This thing is slower than Stumpy, my one-legged Granny. Where did you get this dinosaur turd?

JIMMY: Stop bellyachin' and work.

(FROHIKE takes a drag on a cigarette.)

MORRIS: Those things'll kill ya, ya know?

FROHIKE: That's why I quit 20 years ago. You want one?

MORRIS: (Sigh) So, you're too broke to publish, huh? Pencil neck told me. It's a shame. This little rag always was such a hoot. I'm gonna miss it. But, hey, the world spins on, right? Maybe saving it is a younger man's game. Or a woman's.

(FROHIKE thinks about MORRIS' words.)

FROHIKE: Maybe it is. You gotta admit, Byers. It hasn't exactly been our year. And to top it all off, we screwed the pooch pretty good today. Maybe we should pack it in.

BYERS: And do what instead? We never gave up. We never will. In the end, if that's the best they can say about us, ... it'll do.

LANGLY: I got him!

KIMMY: Hey, it's my hack, Langly. I got him.

LANGLY: We got him, all right? Our bad guy just rented a blue Corolla under his alias Leonard Southhall. We just picked him up on Kimmy's satellite.

LANGLY: Haulin' north like a bat out of hell.

KIMMY: New Jersey Turnpike, 30 miles south of Newark.

YVES: I think I know where he's headed.


(The balding man enters the College and walks down the corridor. He turns a corner, only to find it blocked by plastic sheeting from floor to ceiling. Men in full HAZMAT suits are stapling the sheeting to the walls. He turns around, perturbed, only to find the corridor in the other direction also blocked by sheeting. He turns back to go the way he came. Two men in HAZMAT suits appear ahead of him and walk towards him.)

[Fade to black]


(Gunmen HQ. BYERS' cell phone rings.)

BYERS: Lone Gunman Newspaper Group. Byers speaking.

DOGGETT: Byers? John Doggett.

BYERS: Agent Doggett. Do you have him?

(DOGGETT is with the man in a hospital room. MRI and CT scans are displayed on light boxes. The man is being contained in a sealed area around his bed, clear plastic sheeting hanging from floor to ceiling. DOGGETT looks at him.)

DOGGETT: Oh yeah, we got him. Listen, how much do you trust this Yves Harlow, Lois Runtz, whatever name she's tellin' you?

BYERS: Completely. Why?

DOGGETT: Because the doctors here have run every kind of imaging on this guy, Southhall, and come up snake eyes. No virus, no cartilage vessel in his chest, nothin'.

(BYERS tells YVES the news.)

BYERS: They found nothing.

YVES: That doesn't make sense.

(BYERS checks again with DOGGETT at the hospital.)

BYERS: They're absolutely certain?

DOGGETT: One hundred percent. Agent Reyes and I are lookin' like a couple of fools on this one.

BYERS: There must be something we missed.

DOGGETT: All I can tell you is, we got the wrong guy.

(YVES tries to make sense of DOGGETT'S information.)

YVES: There must be a second man. I know there is. It's Basic Terrorism 101.

LANGLY: Except we don't know his name, and we don't know his target.

JIMMY: And we've got one hour to find him.

(They look at the clock on the wall. It is 6:58 PM.)


(The entrance hall is filled with academics, getting ready for the forum. A table contains an array of ID cards for the attendees. We see a man take a card from the table and walk away. It is PROFESSOR GILLNITZ. He walks towards a GUARD who is using a hand-held scanner to check for weapons. He scans PROFESSOR GILLNITZ. Nothing happens as he passes the baton over his body.)


SECURITY GUARD: You're good.

(PROFESSOR GILLNITZ walks off into the forum.)


(Gunmen HQ. The clock on the wall is now reading 7:04 PM.)

YVES: All my information pointed to that man, Leonard Southhall. He goes by an alias, he traveled to Washington on this very day.

BYERS: Clearly, he's involved somehow.

JIMMY: He must be. He made a beeline right back to that biology department where the dead Professor worked.

FROHIKE: Their base of operation.

LANGLY: Yeah. So if Southhall is involved, and yet he doesn't have the virus inside of him...?

YVES: So how exactly does he fit into their plan?

MORRIS: Three card Monty. You ever played it? You have now.

FROHIKE: What's that supposed to mean?

MORRIS: It means these guys have you running after the Ace, when you should be chasing the Queen.

(Shocked, YVES immediately realises what MORRIS means.)

YVES: Oh, my God. Southhall is the decoy. That's all he is.

MORRIS: They knew that you were hot on their trail, so they gave you someone else to follow.

JIMMY: I thought you said you didn't know anything about terrorists?

MORRIS: I don't. But boy, do I know scams. I wasn't a Man in Black all those years for nothing. They made you work at finding Southhall. Which tells me the real guy is hiding in plain sight. Right out in the open.

FROHIKE: A friend of the dead Professor. A co-worker maybe.."

YVES: The man who saw me through the Professor's window. The one who identified me.


(The forum SPEAKER is making his introductions. The clock behind him reads 7:55 PM. The camera pans to reveal rows of tables, at which sit the conference delegates. A large video screen is to one side of the hall.)

SPEAKER: (into microphone) Ladies and gentlemen, scientists, academic leaders and government representatives, coming together is our goal this Evening. Coming together as one. Those words are easily spoken, but guiding our missile into that fugitive and vulnerable target, is hard.

(PROFESSOR GILLNITZ is sitting at one of the tables. He looks around anxiously.)

(Outside in the foyer, BYERS, FROHIKE, LANGLY, JIMMY and YVES race in and head for the conference hall. The SECURITY GUARD blocks their path.)

SECURITY GUARD: Sorry. Conference attendees only.

BYERS: We're reporters.

SECURITY GUARD: What newspaper do you work for?

BYERS: Uh... uh... The Lone Gunman.

(BYERS holds up his Press Pass.)

SECURITY GUARD: Never heard of it.

LANGLY: We're legit, man.

FROHIKE: Come on. Come on. Passes. Show 'em your Press Pass.

YVES: Sir, it's desperately important that we get in there.

JIMMY: Yeah, buddy, come on.

SECURITY GUARD: These expired last December.

YVES: We've got five minutes.

BYERS: Listen to me. We believe there's a dangerous man in that room.

SECURITY GUARD: Folks, I need all of you to step away, right now.

LANGLY: Look, thousands of people may die.

(The GUARD talks into his radio.)

SECURITY GUARD: Mike? I got a situation over by the main conference room.

(JIMMY takes matters into his hands, shouting toward the assembled conference.)

JIMMY: (Yelling) John Gillnitz! John Gillnitz!."

(PROFESSOR GILLNITZ gets up and looks around nervously.)

SECURITY GUARD: Step back, sir.

(PROFESSOR GILLNITZ hastily exits the hall through an exit behind the SPEAKER. LANGLY spots a gap and chases after him. JIMMY stands in front of the GUARD.)

JIMMY: I'm really sorry.

(He grabs his waist and headbutts him on the forehead, knocking him to the ground. Way to go!)

(Their path now clear, they quickly make their way for the exit through which PROFESSOR GILLNITZ escaped. They arrive in a darkened corridor, but their is no sign of PROFESSOR GILLNITZ.)

JIMMY: (Looking around) Where'd he go?

YVES: Split up. Four minutes left. Good luck.

(LANGLY checks his watch. YVES and JIMMY split off from the group, leaving the GUNMEN behind.)

FROHIKE: Hey, wait! What'll we do with this guy once we find him?

YVES: Hold him till I get there. I'll do the rest.

(LANGLY is )

LANGLY: You mean cut him open?

YVES: If that virus gets into the air stream, we'll have failed. People will die. Whatever it takes...

(They split up, YVES and JIMMY head off one way, and the GUNMEN set off in the other. As they race down the corridor, a they hear a door swing closed.)

BYERS: Three minutes and counting.

(They run off along the corridor. They check all the doors for any sign of PROFESSOR GILLNITZ, but do not find him. They hear banging up ahead. PROFESSOR GILLNITZ is trying to break his way through a locked door. Unsuccessful, he turns around and runs back down the corridor, just a the GUNMEN appear. He runs towards them, then stops.)

BYERS: Don't try to run.

(PROFESSOR GILLNITZ smiles, resting his hands on his hips. He looks as though he will finally get a chance to complete his mission.)

PROFESSOR GILLNITZ: I don't have to.

(LANGLY calls to YVES and JIMMY to let them know of the situation.)

LANGLY: Yves, Jimmy, we found him!

FROHIKE: Over here!

PROFESSOR GILLNITZ: What do you plan to do? By my watch, it's two minuets to eight. (LANGLY checks his watch.) Not much time for surgery.

(In desperation, BYERS turns and calls out again)

BYERS: Yves! Jimmy!

(Grinning at them in their time of desperation, PROFESSOR GILLNITZ checks the time on his watch.)

PROFESSOR GILLNITZ: Now you have a minute forty.

(The GUNMEN stand there for a moment, contemplating their options. FROHIKE notices a fire alarm switch on the wall. He turns to the others, signalling his intention.)


(LANGLY and BYERS look at the fire alarm, then at each other. In silence, they both agree with FROHIKE'S suggested course of action.)

BYERS: Whatever it takes.

(PROFESSOR GILLNITZ stands in silence, waiting for their next move. FROHIKE looks back at him, before reaching for the switch, activating the fire alarm. The siren sounds.)

(Suddenly, thick fire doors descend from the ceiling, completely blocking off the exits in the corridor. PROFESSOR GILLNITZ looks on in shock, realising what they have done. He races over to one of the closing doors, but it reaches the ground before he can get to it. His plan is now thwarted. The corridor is now airtight, and the GUNMEN are trapped inside.)

(GILLNITZ looks out of a window in the door. BYERS, LANGLY and FROHIKE are standing in the background, silent. We hear a voice coming from around the corner.)

JIMMY: Byers! Frohike! Langly!

(JIMMY and YVES race around the corner, YVES heading off in the other direction as JIMMY turns towards the closed off section of corridor. He runs up to the door, peering in through the window. He calls out to YVES, who has now disappeared around a corner further up the corridor.)

JIMMY: Yves, come here!

(JIMMY checks the window again. He sees the GUNMEN trapped in the back. YVES races down the corridor to join him. JIMMY calls to them through the door.)

JIMMY: Guys!! Guys!!

(The GUNMEN stand motionless as they see JIMMY through the glass. They look down at PROFESSOR GILLNITZ. He is convulsing on the floor. A strange, pink liquid stains his shirt, and a pool of the liquid is collecting around his mouth on the floor. JIMMY sees this from behind the glass and cries out.)

JIMMY: Oh god, no!!

(JIMMY tries to use all his strength to open the massive firedoor, but cannot lift it. The GUNMEN see him trying, and race over to the door.)

BYERS: Don't, Jimmy!

YVES: Don't. It's too late. They're already exposed.

(JIMMY is totally devastated, and starts to break down in tears. So soon after making such great friends with the GUNMEN, the realisation he may lose them begins to dawn on him.)

JIMMY: No, guys.

(Instinctively, JIMMY places his hand on the glass, in a final act of friendship. BYERS does the same on the other side of the glass. LANGLY and FROHIKE add their hands to BYERS'. The camera now pans across the faces of FROHIKE, LANGLY and BYERS in turn, as each of them communicate their last words to JIMMY and YVES.)

FROHIKE: Why do you fight the good fight?

LANGLY: Both of you.

BYERS: Never give up.

(JIMMY is in tears. They stand there in silence, motionless.)

(Fade to white.)


(We fade in to a beautiful blue, cloudless sky overhead. The camera slowly pans down, to reveal row upon row of perfectly aligned headstones, commemorating those laid to rest in the Cemetery. An old man is slowly folding away the chairs that have just been used during the funeral service.)

(Three identical coffins rest on the ground in front of the remaining chairs. KIMMY stands next to them, paying his final respects to his fallen heroes. He stares down at the coffins in silence.)

KIMMY: in Spanish) Vayo con dios, amigos.

(He walks over to the coffins, and touches each of them in turn, before heading off.)

(AGENTS DOGGETT, REYES, and SKINNER are standing in a line opposite where KIMMY was standing. DOGGETT looks over to SKINNER.)

DOGGETT: Arlington. You must have pulled some big strings to get those guys in here.

SKINNER: It's the least I could do.

(SKINNER turns and leaves. REYES turns to DOGGETT.)

REYES: Are you ready?


(SCULLY is standing with YVES and JIMMY, who is holding three folder American flags, one for each of our fallen heroes. SKINNER pauses as he passes SCULLY.)


SCULLY: I'll catch up. (SKINNER heads off, following REYES and DOGGETT.) They meant so much to me. I'm not sure if they ever really knew.

JIMMY: Nobody knew... what heroes they were.

(YVES still can't believe how things have turned out.)

YVES: It's not right. It's not.

(MORRIS approaches from the background. He remembers what LANGLY had told him about JOEY RAMONE earlier in the episode.)

MORRIS: No, it's not. Langly said to me, "The ones who never give up, they never die."

(MORRIS pauses.)

MORRIS: I still don't know what that means.

SCULLY: It means that, like everyone buried here, the world is a better place for them having been in it. (She pauses.) It means that they're gone... but they live on through us all.

(JIMMY is noticeably moved by SCULLY'S tribute to the GUNMEN. He comforts YVES, putting his arm around her. The four of them stand there in silence, as the camera pans up and away.)

[Fade to black]


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