The characters, plotlines, quotes, etc. included here are owned by Chris Carter and 1013 Productions, all rights reserved. The following transcript is in no way a substitute for the show "The X-Files" and is merely meant as a homage. This transcript is not authorized or endorsed by Chris Carter, 1013 Productions, or Fox Entertainment. It was painstakingly typed out by Libby and DrWeesh, and made available for your personal enjoyment by me, DrWeesh from my website, InsideTheX.


(We open with a grainy black and white World War II newsreel. A commentator is providing the background. It starts with a map of Europe, with France shown in the centre. The "A" of France is shown as a Swastika.)

COMMENTATOR: The year 1944. D-Day. After a successful landing on the beaches of Normandy, Allied troops battled their way through the French countryside. On to Paris and the liberation of France but for some -

(Shot of man sitting at a table outside a café, obviously dead)

COMMENTATOR: - liberation comes too late. A brave member of the French Resistance murdered by a traitor -

(Shot shows a pastry in his hand, dark topping with a 5-petal fleur de lys pattern in white icing)

COMMENTATOR: - the dreaded Poisoner of Alsace. Alsace-Lorraine -

(A simple map with arrow moving from Eiffel Tower to location of Alsace-Lorraine with the Nazi swastika symbol indicating German further beyond)

COMMENTATOR: - the historic frontier province long claimed by both France and Germany. The village of Verzenay. Here the Poisoner of Alsace lays claim to some 20 victims - all members of the French Resistance. But what of this shadowy poisoner? Who is he -

(B&W photo of murder victim and a blonde female holding a tray of similar pastries)

COMMENTATOR: - or she?

(Focus in on woman)

COMMENTATOR: Suspected is this woman, Madame Davos. Before the Occupation she was well known as the best baker of Verzenay, but few saw her true face.

(Film of Allied soldiers)

COMMENTATOR: Heroic marines capture a high-ranking Nazi officer -

(A small, plump man in Nazi officer uniform - he has a small moustache - looks very like FROHIKE)

COMMENTATOR: - believed to be the man behind Madame Davos' tricks. But why did she do it?

(On the film the Nazi officer utters "Sie schwein")

COMMENTATOR: There are rumours among the townsfolk, talk of illicit rendezvous, romance.

(Nazi officer being manhandled into a Jeep - he's protesting in German. The commentator translates.)

COMMENTATOR: "I will never tell you". "You'll never find her." "You will never learn her secrets." Prophetic words, for the Madame disappeared and has not been seen since. Will she be found? What is her mysterious secret?

(Colour film of German soldier on a bicycle. The woman is looking at something in the basket on the back of the bicycle.)

COMMENTATOR: We may never know.

(In the basket is a baby, the woman gently strokes its face. Then she closes the lid of basket and the soldier cycles away down the lane. Fade to black.)



(Office. Dark. Someone throws down a folder onto the floor. Pan up to FROHIKE.)

FROHIKE: Son of a -

BYERS: Frohike, we got a deadline here. I need your column ten minutes ago.

FROHIKE: I need the file on the Warren Commission in order to finish it.

(FROHIKE has pulled out the top drawer of a filing cabinet.

LANGLY: Try looking under W.

FROHIKE: Oh! You moron!

FROHIKE: He files the Warren Commission report under T - The Warren Commission.

LANGLY: Hey, cut the guy some slack.

FROHIKE: Oh, and look. Here's - The - Teapot Dome scandal, - The - Grassy Knoll. I say we fire his ass.

LANGLY: You just gotta know how to handle him. Keep it simple. Like I asked him to clean my keyboard.

(LANGLY holds up a keyboard - water pours out of it.)

LANGLY: Byers.

BYERS: You're both forgetting it's his life savings keeping us in print.

FROHIKE: I don't care. He's a menace.

BYERS: He believes in our mission. He's got a good heart. And, he's so happy to be here. If we let him go it'll crush him.

VOICE OFFSCREEN: Crush who? Who's going to get crushed?

(It's JIMMY. Smiling as usual.)

BYERS: Jimmy, um, we've been talking. We're not sure this is the right place for you.

JIMMY: What, are you kidding? Working with guys like you - it's a dream.

BYERS: Jimmy.

JIMMY: I've been looking my whole life for something like this. To feel like I make a difference, to work with men of integrity, to fight to make this a better country. You three, you're heroes. I am so proud to be a part of this team. Just talking about it - (pulls up his jacket sleeve) Look at that - goosebumps.

(FROHIKE lunges towards JIMMY.)

FROHIKE: You are so fired!

(BYERS holds FROHIKE back.)

BYERS: Frohike.

FROHIKE: Byers. I'll teach him how to file. (to JIMMY) We'll give you your money back. Just get out of here.

(JIMMY is serious.)

JIMMY: I get it. I get what you're trying to say. (He starts to smile.) Old Yeller.

(The Lone Gunmen look at each other, bewildered.)

JIMMY: In Old Yeller, the kid yells at the dog to make him leave. He loves that dog. He doesn't want him to go. Guys, don't feel weird about taking my money. It's my honor.

(The door buzzer sounds.)

JIMMY: We're going to keep the dream alive. (punches the air)

(JIMMY goes to answer the door.)

LANGLY: In Old Yeller the kid shoots the dog 'cos he's rabid.

FROHIKE: Thanks for the idea.

(JIMMY opens the door. A older man, MICHAEL WILHELM, probably in his sixties with grey hair, is standing there.)

JIMMY: Can I help you?

WILHELM: I am looking for (holds up a copy of The Lone Gunman) this man. (The newspaper is folded back to show a photograph of FROHIKE. Caption is Melvin Frohike - Someone is listening.) He writes for your newspaper?

JIMMY: Uh-uh.

(The Gunmen approach the door, FROHIKE in the lead.)

WILHELM: Him. He is the only one who can help me catch a killer.

(We see an old photograph of a blonde woman - Madame Davos.)

WILHELM: This is the last known photo of Madame Davos. She disappeared shortly after it was taken.

BYERS: The Poisoner of Alsace.

JIMMY: I don't wanna sound stupid. Should I know who that is?

FROHIKE: Check the files under T for 'The' Poisoner.

(JIMMY moves off but BYERS catches and stops him.)

BYERS: She murdered 20 members of the Resistance during World War II.

LANGLY: She served pastries iced with arsenic. She's a known Nazi collaborator.

JIMMY: Nazis. I hate those guys.

FROHIKE: (to the man) So why come to me.

WILHELM: Last month, this personal advertisement appeared in several newspapers in Europe. It's from a woman looking for her long-lost son.

(The French advert is shown on the screen, clipped from a French Newspaper.)

"Mère à la recherche de son fils bien-aimé perdu il y a 55 ans

Avis De Recherche

En l'an 1945, vers la fin de la deuxième guerre mondiale, un enfant de sexe masculin, agé tout au plus de neuf mois et né au village de Verzenay, Alsace, envoyé par sa mère à Berlin. Si vois croyez être cette personne ou la connaitre, veuillez communiquer le plus vite possible avec sa mère:

Anna Haag
Elwood, New Jersey
(609) 555-1304

BYERS: Mrs Anna Haag of Elwood, New Jersey.

WILHELM: The OSS believe that Madam Davos bore a child out of wedlock to a German officer, that she sent her infant son to Berlin with the retreating army. It's likely the child ended up an orphan of war.

BYERS: You're thinking that the poisoner of Alsace placed this ad, that's she's alive somewhere looking for her lost child.

LANGLY: Well, how do you know this Mrs Haag is this Davos lady?

WILHELM: The advertisement mentions Verzenay, the village where the poisoner lived. The dates are correct. In my heart, gentlemen, I know it is her.

FROHIKE: I still don't get what this has to do with me.

(WILHELM picks up a photograph from his case.)

WILHELM: The child's father was this man.

(He hands over the photograph which is of the FROHIKE-look-alike from the teaser.)


BYERS: You're thinking Frohike could pass himself off as the long-lost son?

WILHELM: And bring the poisoner of Alsace to justice.

FROHIKE: Oh - oh - woah! First things first. I look nothing like this man! I'm better looking for one thing.

WILHELM: When I saw your face I had such hope. You see, I am named after my father, Michael Wilhelm, the Prefect of Verzenay. He was also a Resistance leader.

(He shows them the photograph of his father lying dead at the café, as in the teaser.)

WILHELM: He was poisoned the day the Allies marched in. I am staying at the Belmont. Please call me if you change your mind.

(He closes his case and goes off to the door. JIMMY follows him to let him out.)

FROHIKE: Seriously. It would never work.

BYERS: Why not? We've pulled off far more difficult undercover ops.

FROHIKE: I don't care how old she is, that lady is dangerous.

LANGLY: Well, you've never been afraid before, so what the hell's the problem?

(JIMMY has returned, obviously emotionally affected by the story. FROHIKE looks at him.)

FROHIKE: Oh, for god's sake. I - I just - I -. I can't pass for a 56-year-old man.

(Silence from the others.)


(Cut to FROHIKE putting on make-up, then BYERS trying to put contact lenses in FROHIKE's eyes. Then more transformation of FROHIKE: bleaching his eyebrows, a blond wig, false teeth, shirt and tie. Someone switches on some small output displays by which they'll monitor FROHIKE's vital signs. Finally, FROHIKE walks down the steps into the main office. JIMMY is amazed.)

JIMMY: Check it out.

(FROHIKE sighs in disgust)

FROHIKE: Man, oh man.

FROHIKE: Did we ever stop to think that I don't speak French or German?

BYERS: You were an orphan of war.

LANGLY: Say you were raised in America.

FROHIKE: OK, so what if she plays along and poisons me.

BYERS: That's why we'll be monitoring your vitals remotely.

FROHIKE: Oh great. So you'll have ten seconds notice before I croak.

LANGLY: And you won't even be in there long enough to do lunch. Just ID the woman and hightail it out of there.

FROHIKE: And how am I supposed to prove she's the poisoner?

LANGLY: I've been waiting for you to ask me that.

(He sits down at the computer.)

LANGLY: I ran a little search on the Davos family. Seems they all share one interesting physical trait.

(The computer display is shown on-screen)

Name: Helena Davos
Date of Birth: Feb 8 1925
Place of Birth: Verzenay, France
Height: 5'6"
Weight: 105lbs

(The father's details are shown alongside hers.)

Name: D. Amann (suspected)
Date of Birth: Unknown
Place of Birth: Berlin, Germany
Height: 5'2"
Weight: 135lbs

Distinguishing marks: "Birthmark, described as dark blemish, shaped like Germany."

BYERS: A birthmark shaped ironically like Germany.

FROHIKE: A birthmark, so what?

(The monitor shows the shape of the birthmark. JIMMY is giggling.)

BYERS: It appears to be -

JIMMY: (laughing) - on her butt.

FROHIKE: Aaah. No freakin' way.

BYERS: It seems to be the only means of making a positive identification.

(All three are amused. FROHIKE isn't. He picks up a magic marker.)

FROHIKE: The whole family has it, huh?

(They nod. FROHIKE throws the marker to BYERS.)

LANGLY: What are you doing?

FROHIKE: Covering my ass. You're going to give me a birthmark too.

(FROHIKE turns his back. There's the sound of a zipper. FROHIKE bends over.)

FROHIKE: Prepare to get woo'd.

(The others cover their eyes.)

3:17 PM

(Cut to VW. Outside. Day.)

(FROHIKE goes up the steps to a pleasant looking house. He takes a paper out of his pocket. He knocks on the door. While he is waiting, we see he has an earpiece.)

LANGLY: (via the earpiece) Hold your position.

(The scene switches between shots of inside the VW, showing what's on the monitor, and FROHIKE.)

LANGLY: And don't be a wuss. You're the master race, remember?

BYERS: Relax, Frohike. Your heart rate's rising rapidly.

FROHIKE: Well, yours would be to if you were facing certain death. Or some withered old keister. I don't know which is worse.

LANGLY: Knock again, maybe Mommy didn't hear you.

(Door opens. A woman stands there. She is silent throughout FROHIKE's dialogue.)

FROHIKE: Oh. Uh. Afternoon. I believe you placed this ad. You're looking for your long-lost son. (pause) I believe I'm him.

LANGLY: You're in. Now pants her!

(The woman is walking extremely slowly. She is wearing a blouse tucked into a skirt with an elasticated waist. FROHIKE gingerly reaches out and catches her waistband. As she continues to walk forward the elastic stretches and FROHIKE tries to peek in whilst remaining at a distance. Suddenly there's a voice from the stairs. It is another woman who speaks with a noticeable German accent.)

WOMAN: What are you doing?

(FROHIKE lets go the elastic with a snap.)

FROHIKE: Uh. Uh. I thought I saw a mouse.

WOMAN: What do you want here?

FROHIKE: I came to see Mrs Haag.

MRS HAAG: I am Mrs Haag. That's my maid, Mrs Allsopp. Who are you?

FROHIKE: I'm your son. Adolph.

(She embraces him. In the VW the screens monitoring FROHIKE's vitals go haywire.)

BYERS: We're losing com -

LANGLY: My god, what is she doing to him?

(BYERS and LANGLY working on the equipment.)

LANGLY: Frohike! Frohike do you read?

(Banging on the VW door. BYERS opens the door.)

NEIGHBOUR: Have you got a girl in there?

BYERS: Pardon me?

(She pushes the door open wider and sees the back view of LANGLY.)

NEIGHBOUR: You do have a girl in there. Now, look, you can't just park in front of my house to play slap and tickle all day.

BYERS: I assure you we're neither slapping nor tickling. /

NEIGHBOUR: Then what are you doing?

BYERS: Well. (pause) We are -

NEIGHBOUR: (sees monitor) Is that Mrs Haag's house? Oh, my lord, you're spying on Mrs Haag.

BYERS: No. We're not spying, per se. We're surveilling.

LANGLY: Surveilling her maid.

NEIGHBOUR: Her maid? Mrs Allsopp? Well, whatever for?

LANGLY: INS, ma'am. (BYERS looks bemused.) We have reason to believe she's not American.

NEIGHBOUR: Well, of course she's not American, she's from France.

BYERS: Um. This is a federal matter, ma'am. I'll have to ask you not to reveal our presence here.

LANGLY: Or you'll go to jail too. Along with the other old bags.

(LANGLY pulls the door shut.)

9:16 PM

(Night. Outside view of the house.)

(Inside. FROHIKE is undressing. He pulls off the wiring and the transmitter and attempts to get it working again.)

(Cut to inside the VW where LANGLY and BYERS hear feedback sounds from FROHIKE's microphone.)

LANGLY: We got com.

FROHIKE: Yeah, without any help from you two.

BYERS: FROHIKE, where are you.

FROHIKE: Oh, I'm in my key new bedroom. She insists I stay the night.

LANGLY: Well, that's not the plan. Go take a look at her caboose and let's get the hell out of here.

FROHIKE: It's not that easy. My eyesight's only now just coming back after seeing the maid's.

MRS HAAG: Dolph. What are you doing?

(FROHIKE wraps up the mike set.)

MRS HAAG: Who were you talking to?

FROHIKE: I was - I was just saying my prayers. Thanking the Lord above that we've found each other.

(MRS HAAG with clothes.)

MRS HAAG: These belonged to my second husband. They should fit you. He was a tiny man too.

FROHIKE: Gee, thanks, Mom.

(MRS HAAG goes to take FROHIKE's clothes.)

FROHIKE: No, no, no. Don't.

MRS HAAG: These need to be laundered.

FROHIKE: No they don't. I was going to wear them tomorrow.

MRS HAAG: Is that how you were brought up. To be filthy. Go to sleep.

(She goes out with FROHIKE's clothes. He's not happy.)

(Fade to black.)

7:04 AM

(Day. Outside MRS HAAG's house. A paper boy rides by. Pan to VW. Buzzing sound coming from it.)

(Cut to inside: BYERS is trimming his beard. There's a growling sound.)

BYERS: What was that?

LANGLY: Nothing. As in nothing in my stomach. I gotta eat something.

BYERS: Let's just hope Frohike hasn't.

(Beeping sound. LANGLY looks at the monitors.)

LANGLY: We got movement.

(Shot via periscope.)

LANGLY: It's her. The neighbour lady. Oh my god, old people get up early.

(Neighbour is at front door of MRS HAAG's house, talking with MRS HAAG.)

(Neighbour leaves, notices VW and raises her fist towards it.)

LANGLY: You think she exposed us?

(More feedback sounds.)

LANGLY: Frohike? Do you read?

(Laundry basket. LANGLY's voice. Maid is putting clothes in the washer and uncovers radio. Doesn't appear to have heard LANGLY's voice. She notices the radio, picks it up and walks away.)

(Lots of interference as she carries it. Then she drops it in the trash can in the kitchen. Horrible whistling sound in LANGLY's and BYERS' earpieces.)

(Maid walks out of kitchen. FROHIKE enters from another direction. He's wearing Lederhosen - short trousers with a bib top. He goes into the laundry room and searches washer and dryer and clothes. MRS HAAG comes in.)

MRS HAAG: Adolph? What are you doing?

FROHIKE: I just need my clothes. No offence, Ma, but these don't do it for me.


(Checks FROHIKE's clothes, pulls up the waistband.)

MRS HAAG: They fit perfectly. Come. For you (smacks his hand) something special. Come. Come. Come. Follow me.

(Kitchen. She takes the top off a covered plate. There is a pastry as in the teaser. She picks up the plate.)

FROHIKE: No thanks, Mom. I'm not hungry.

MRS HAAG: You have not eaten a thing since you got here. This is made special just for you. Eat!

(FROHIKE picks up the pastry and smiles. MRS HAAG smiles back then goes over to the kitchen counter, where there are some oranges.)

MRS HAAG: I'll make you some juice.

(She starts cutting the oranges. Behind her FROHIKE makes munching noises.)

FROHIKE: Mmmm. This is delicious, Ma.

MRS HAAG: Ah. Good.

(FROHIKE puts the uneaten pastry in the trash can, then notices the radio which he picks up. While MRS HAAG is still cutting up oranges, FROHIKE leaves the kitchen with the radio.)

FROHIKE: (whispers) Guys! (pause) Guys, do you read me?

(LANGLY moves the periscope so they can see FROHIKE waving from an upstairs window.)

BYERS: Frohike? Frohike?

LANGLY: Damn, man, where's your tuba? You look like the little dude in one of those cuckoo clocks.

FROHIKE: How about I pop out of my little house and ring your bell.

BYERS: What is going on in there?

FROHIKE: That whacko broad just tried to poison me, she gave me one of those pastries.

BYERS: It's evidence. Get it to us so we can have it analysed.

(FROHIKE goes back to the kitchen.)

MRS HAAG: Dolph.

(Comes in with FROHIKE's clothes.)

MRS HAAG: How you feel today. Oh, you look weak. You come with me.

(She leads him out. Maid comes in from other door. She collects the remains of the oranges and puts them in the trash can. She notices the pastry, picks it up and sniffs it and takes a bite.)


(Cut to outside The Lone Gunman office. YVES drives up. She goes down the steps. She puts wires from a gizmo into each of the three locks, the gizmo whirrs and the door is unlocked. She goes in and over to a computer, slips in a disk and starts typing. Suddenly music starts, "Bad to the Bone". She looks around. JIMMY slides into view, his back towards YVES. He's wearing a shirt and socks and, presumably, underpants. He is dancing/playing air guitar. He jumps round (we see he's wearing dark glasses) and spots YVES who's watching him with a somewhat disgusted look. JIMMY runs off, slipping on the floor. The music stops with a screech. YVES goes back to the keyboard. JIMMY, pulling on his pants, slides back into view, still wearing the dark glasses.)

JIMMY: Wait a minute. What are you doing here? I know who you are - you're the lady whose name's the same backwards as is it forwards.

YVES: No it is not. "Yves Adele Harlow" is an anagram, not a palindrome.

JIMMY: Yeah. Exactly. Backwards it's Lee Harvey Oswald.

YVES: No. Backwards it's nothing. Backwards - uh - why am I even talking to you?

(She's completed whatever she was doing and retrieves the disk. She gets up and walks towards the door.)

YVES: By all means continue dancing.

JIMMY: Woah, woah, woah. Where are you going with that? Give me that.

YVES: This? (puts it down the front of her shirt) You're not going to try and take it from me, are you?

(JIMMY shakes his head. YVES pats him on his face.)

YVES: Mmmm, smart boy.

(She starts to move off. JIMMY stops her.)

JIMMY: Woah. But you're not going anywhere either. Not until I know what's going on.

YVES: Is that even possible? For you to know what's going on?

(She tries to walk past JIMMY but he stops her again. He fold his arms and looks at her.)

YVES: Fine. Your three stooges. They're investigating a woman named Madame Davos.

JIMMY: Maybe. Maybe not.

YVES: They are. And as usual they're in way over their heads.

JIMMY: Oh, yeah? And, why's that?

YVES: What do you know about the man that brought them the story?

JIMMY: He's some poor old French guy named Michael Wilhelm. (pause) Yeah, he's named after his father who's the pre - pre-something of some French village, Versh - Vershun. Anyway, he was poisoned to death.

YVES: Michael Wilhelm, the Prefect of Verzenay, was indeed murdered by the poisoner of Alsace, only he died childless.

JIMMY: So - who was the guy who was here?


(Cut to MRS HAAG, in a public park.)

MRS HAAG: Eins, zwei, eins, zwei ...

(She's putting FROHIKE through sit-ups.)

MRS HAAG: Eins, zwei.

(Now FROHIKE's doing in-out jumps.)

MRS HAAG: Be strong. Strong and not weak.

(LANGLY and BYERS are watching FROHIKE with amusement. Then one of the monitors - EKG - sounds an alert.)

(Cut to MRS HAAG and FROHIKE jogging - FROHIKE lagging behind.)

MRS HAAG: Faster, faster. Move those little legs.

(FROHIKE trips on a large stone and falls, groaning, calling "Ma!".)

(Later. Back at the house MRS HAAG is putting an ice-pack on FROHIKE's ankle.)

MRS HAAG: I pushed you too hard. My fault.

FROHIKE: Yeah, whatever. I'll live. Hopefully.

MRS HAAG: You must live. Now that we've found each other, we must both make up for the time we missed. When I lost you in the war, all those years ago, all those years. The world was hard on little things then. It robbed me. It robbed me of my treasure. (wipes her eyes) But today I have my treasure back. Now. You must eat something. I am very worried about you.

(BYERS and LANGLY are listening to the conversation in the VW.)

FROHIKE: What say we order a pizza?

MRS HAAG: Good. (she pats FROHIKE's hand) I go call.


(Cut to VW.)

BYERS: Frohike, has she left the room?

FROHIKE: Yeah, she's gone.

BYERS: You think you can make it into the kitchen. We still need that pastry she gave you as evidence. /

FROHIKE: I'll try. But I don't know, guys, I'm beginning to have second thoughts about this.

LANGLY: What d'you mean?

FROHIKE: I mean, did you hear what she said to me just now? She actually sounded as though she had a heart, not like some rabid Nazi murderer. I don't know, maybe I'm trying to see the wrong old lady's butt.

(He's reached the kitchen and sees the pastry has gone from the trash can.)

FROHIKE: It's gone.

BYERS: What's gone?

FROHIKE: The pastry. It's gone.

(FROHIKE looks around the sees the half-eaten pastry on the dryer in the laundry room.)

FROHIKE: Hello? Mrs Allsopp? Hello!

(He pushes the door further open and sees Mrs Allsopp on the floor.)

FROHIKE: Byers. Langly. I think I spoke too soon.

(Fade to black.)


(Day. Sitting room. MRS HAAG and her NEIGHBOUR and police officers. MRS HAAG is upset. FROHIKE is sitting on a sofa.)

MRS HAAG: (to officers) No, it's all right.

FROHIKE: (into radio) She's putting on quite a show.

LANGLY: That's cold, man. That's how your hardcore Nazis work.

(The maid's body is taken out while the NEIGHBOUR helps MRS HAAG upstairs.)

FROHIKE: I've seen enough. I'm gonna talk to the cops and tell them this was no heart attack.

BYERS: Don't. We still need proof.

FROHIKE: What do you need, Byers. A signed confession? (he's walking painfully towards the front door) She is the Poisoner of Alsace. That death [?] was meant for me. I'm out of here.

BYERS: I just got off the phone with Michael Wilhelm. He says if you leave now it'll only arouse her suspicion. She might try to slip out of the country.

LANGLY: We could lose her for ever.

BYERS: I'm sorry, Frohike.

LANGLY: You still gotta glimpse the ham.

(FROHIKE is outside the door now. He turns at a sound, it is the NEIGHBOUR coming down the stairs. He goes back into the house.)

NEIGHBOUR: You're the son, aren't you. Oh, it's so wonderful you two found each other after all these years. I'm Louella Everidge from across the street.

FROHIKE: Dolph. Nice to meet you.

MRS EVERIDGE: Your mother wants to have a few friends over this evening. You know, a little schnapps.

FROHIKE: Oh, sure. Like a wake.

MRS EVERIDGE: Oh, it must be a comfort to her to have her son back, especially at this time of need.

(She leaves.)

MRS HAAG: (from the stairs) Dolph? Answer the phone if it rings. I'm going to take a shower.

(She walks off and FROHIKE goes to the front door.)

FROHIKE: Boys. Opportunity knocks.

(He closes the door.)


(WILHELM leaves his hotel room, No. 425, and walks to the elevator. As he enters the elevator, YVES and JIMMY appear from around the corner.)

JIMMY: All right, I told you where to find him, now tell me who he is.

YVES: You've heard of Stasi, the East German secret police?

(JIMMY nods. They go round another corner.)

YVES: Not good guys. God knows how many defectors they tortured and killed. I believe this man who now calls himself Michael Wilhelm gave them their orders. He's a cold-blooded murderer. There's a sizeable bounty out for his arrest provided I can prove that it is indeed him.

(A hotel employee appears in the corridor. YVES pulls JIMMY towards her.)

YVES: Pretend that you like me.

(JIMMY grins and leans in to kiss her. YVES grabs his chin and turns his head away.)

YVES: That's enough.

(The employee is now walking away from them having collected a wheeled clothes rack.)

JIMMY: Oh. Uh - he - so, yeah. What does this even have to do with The Lone Gunman investigating Madame Davos.

(YVES has put a card in the door's electronic lock and the red lights change to green.)

YVES: Have you seen Mr. Wilhelm's left buttock?

JIMMY: Baby I don't swing that way. Especially not with old guys.

(YVES has the door open.)

JIMMY: Wait, wait a minute. So, you're saying that he's her son? That doesn't make any sense. Why wouldn't he just go to her himself?

YVES: Because he knows there's a bounty on his head. Why not send three stalking horses to find out whether or not it's a trap.

JIMMY: We need to tell the guys. If what you say is true ...

YVES: Then they're right where they should be, keeping their eye on that woman.

(YVES goes into the room, but stops JIMMY from following her.)

YVES: You're my lookout. Think you can handle that?

JIMMY: Puh-lease!

(In the hotel reception hall, WILHELM is walking towards the front door but stops and pats his pockets. He realises he's left something behind in his room.)

(In WILHELM's hotel room. YVES looks around. Then takes out a small box from her pocket and starts to dust a wine glass for fingerprints.)

(Downstairs, WILHELM punches the elevator call button, waits, then takes the stairs.)

(JIMMY is carefully watching the elevator on floor 4. Behind him, WILHELM exits the stairwell and walks towards his hotel room. JIMMY hears the stairwell door close, turns round and sees WILHELM.)

(Inside the room, YVES hears the door open. She hurriedly puts down the glass and hides in the next room. WILHELM goes over to a table in that room and picks something up. Just as he's about to turn round, in which case he'll see YVES, the telephone on the table rings. WILHELM picks it up and while he talks in German, YVES edges out of view. WILHELM hears a slight noise but briefly continues his conversation. The he puts the phone down on the table and goes across the room to pick up a writing pad. YVES is still in the room and ducks down behind a sofa as WILHELM returns. WILHELM picks up the phone and writes something on the pad. Behind him the window is open, the net curtains billowing inwards.)

(Outside the hotel room, JIMMY is listening intently at the door. There's a tap on his shoulder and he whirls round to see YVES.)

YVES: Thank you. Wonderful job.

JIMMY: He's a sneaky son of a gun. Tell you what, I - (getting YVES sarcasm) sorry. What now?

YVES: Now we warn your three friends that he plans to kill them.


(Cut to Hitchcockesque shower and "Psycho" music. MRS HAAG is taking a shower. FROHIKE slowly climbs the stairs.)

FROHIKE: T minus 10 and counting.

LANGLY: Copy that, Eagle. And may god have mercy on your soul. Camera ready?

(FROHIKE checks his camera.)

FROHIKE: Camera is ready. I'm about the breach the inner sanctum. (He opens the bathroom door ) One small step for man -

LANGLY: - one giant moon for mankind.

(FROHIKE goes in. The shower door is opaque but we can see a figure within. He approaches with the camera held up to one eye and stretches his hand out to the shower door handle. He slips and lands on his back.)

(LANGLY and BYERS get feedback sound again. MRS HAAG gets out of the shower, sees FROHIKE on the floor.)

MRS HAAG: What were you doing?

FROHIKE: I - I didn't know you were here. (pause) I'm dirty. Very, very dirty.

(Cut to FROHIKE in the bath. MRS HAAG comes in.)

MRS HAAG: Is that too hot for you?

FROHIKE: It's fine. Could I get a little privacy here?

MRS HAAG: I've never seen a grown man so shy about his body.

FROHIKE: Well, I'm embarrassed - about my birthmark.

MRS HAAG: Birthmark?

FROHIKE: Yeah, you know. (he points behind him) On my backside.

MRS HAAG: We are all as God made us.

(She picks up a loofah.)

FROHIKE: I guess. Anyway, maybe they run in the family, uh?

(She's scrubbing his back, vigorously.)

FROHIKE: Oh, ow! What are you doing there?

(She stops scrubbing and FROHIKE sees the loofah - it's stained from the marker pen. He grabs the loofah.)

FROHIKE: Ah, I can take it from here, Mon.

MRS HAAG: So, we shampoo your hair instead.

(She picks up a bottle.)

MRS HAAG: Now, here we go.

(FROHIKE grabs the bottle.)

FROHIKE: That's not my brand of shampoo. I use the high dollar stuff.

MRS HAAG: Don't talk silly. (pause) And take off that wig. (pause) So you got a toupee, so what?

(She pulls of her own hair piece. She kneels down.)

MRS HAAG: I love you just the way you are. Always.

(FROHIKE pulls off his wig. MRS HAAG laughs and takes his face in her hands.)

MRS HAAG: My sweet little boy.


(Night. YVES' sports car drives up. MRS EVERIDGE is watching from her window. YVES and JIMMY go up to the VW and JIMMY knocks on the door. BYERS opens it.)

BYERS: What are you doing here? Jimmy, why did you bring her here?

YVES: You've been set up. You need to get Frohike out of that house.

(BYERS gets out. LANGLY approaches, eating something.)

LANGLY: Not you again. You go find your own Nazi to hunt down.

JIMMY: Guys, listen. The guy we thought was the son of the guy that died wasn't the son at all, he was the son of the lady that killed the guy.

LANGLY: You're not gonna start talking about Old Yeller again are you there, Jimmy?

YVES: The real son of the Poisoner of Alsace is on his way here now. He means to retrieve his mother and flee the country leaving no witnesses behind.

LANGLY: The real son, and who's that?

YVES: The man who put you on this case.

BYERS: Michael Wilhelm? You're saying Wilhelm is Mrs Haag's son?

YVES: No, not your Mrs Haag. I overheard Wilhelm say - (speaks in German)

(The others don't understand.)

YVES: "The fools are spying on the wrong woman."

BYERS: What does that mean, "the wrong woman".

YVES: Someone close to Mrs Haag. Someone who used her as a decoy.

LANGLY: A decoy for what?

BYERS: To allow her to find her long-lost son. Without exposing her true identity. (pause) It's the neighbour, Mrs Everidge. She's Madame Davos!

LANGLY: Come on, that nice old lady? I mean, sure, I called her a bag and everything, but, you know, she caught me peeing in the hedges just now, she didn't even yell at me or anything. She even gave me these muffins.

(The others look concerned.)

LANGLY: Ah. Poisoned. Got ya.

(LANGLY faints. He's wearing his Ozo t-shirt.)

(Fade to black.)


(FROHIKE and MRS HAAG are standing in front of a mirror, FROHIKE is holding a tie up to his neck. MRS HAAG shakes her head.)

MRS HAAG: That's no good. I get you a better one.

FROHIKE: Ma, I've been dressing myself since I was forty.

(MRS HAAG walks off with the tie. FROHIKE hears something and hobbles over to the window. JIMMY is in the garden below. He waves his hands in a "no" gesture, then mimes rocking a baby then slitting his throat then points at FROHIKE.)

FROHIKE: What is it, you idiot! For crying out loud.

(MRS HAAG comes back with another tie which she hold up against FROHIKE's chest. He shakes his head. She taps him lightly on the face and goes away. FROHIKE goes back to the window - no sign of JIMMY in the garden. Suddenly JIMMY appears at the window, having shinned up the drainpipe.)

FROHIKE: What the hell's the matter with you.

JIMMY: I'm trying to give you a message.

FROHIKE: Message? What message?

JIMMY: Mrs Haag. She's not the one.

(JIMMY notices something behind FROHIKE. FROHIKE turns - MRS HAAG is there.)

MRS HAAG: (Sternly) Who is that man?

(She hold out the radio.)

MRS HAAG: And what's this?

(The drainpipe parts company with the wall, taking JIMMY with it. FROHIKE winces on hearing the crash, then turns back to MRS HAAG.)

FROHIKE: We need to talk.


(Night. Outside a car draws up and WILHELM gets out. He is carrying a gun. He knocks on the VW's door and opens it. LANGLY is lying on the floor, eyes closed.)

LANGLY: Guten tag, sucker.

(YVES has a dart gun at WILHELM's neck. She injects him with a very fast-acting anaesthetic and he falls on top of LANGLY.)

YVES: (to BYERS and JIMMY) He'll be out for an hour or so. Barely enough time.

BYERS: OK. So now what?

LANGLY: Now we get me to a hospital.

JIMMY: You're gonna be A-OK, buddy. (pause) Come on, let's puke you again.

(JIMMY appears to be using the Heimlich manoeuvre on LANGLY.)

LANGLY: Ow, I hardly know you.

(YVES taps JIMMY on the shoulder.)

YVES: It's your turn. I need you to get undressed.

(JIMMY drops LANGLY unceremoniously, and smiles. YVES looks disgusted.)


(Inside MRS HAAG's house. A number of guests are in the sitting room. The door bell rings. MRS EVERIDGE opens the door. WILHELM is standing there.)

MRS EVERIDGE: Yes? Can I help you?

(WILHELM smiles but doesn't answer. FROHIKE comes up.)

FROHIKE: Mr. Wilhelm.

(He ushers WILHELM in.)

FROHIKE: This man is a friend of mine, Mrs Everidge.

(FROHIKE leads WILHELM to another room. MRS EVERIDGE, suspicious, follows. FROHIKE shuts the door and MRS EVERIDGE puts her ear against the door to listen.)

FROHIKE: There's no doubt about it. Mrs Haag - she's the Poisoner of Alsace.

WILHELM: How do you know?

FROHIKE: She killed my friend, the crazy old bat, poisoned him. And I think she's on to me, she knows I'm not her son, and she'll try to poison me next.

(There's a scream from outside the door. FROHIKE goes to investigate.)


(In the sitting room, an elderly lady has collapsed in an armchair.)

MRS HAAG: She's dead.

(FROHIKE and WILHELM come in. The dead lady is holding a half-eaten pastry.)

FROHIKE: (to MRS HAAG) You killed her! You Nazi! I'm gonna call the police.

WILHELM: (gun in hand) Thank you for a job well done. (to MRS HAAG) You are Madame Davos, are you not. That is your true identity? I'm your son.


(We see it's MRS EVERIDGE.)

MRS EVERIDGE: Ich bin dienen Mutter (subtitles) I am your mother.

(FROHIKE and WILHELM exchange looks.)

MRS EVERIDGE: (in English) I met this woman through an Alsatian friendship society. I was looking for someone whose story matched mine. Someone who was from the same village and who'd also lost a son.

FROHIKE: What? (to WILHELM) She's crazy, too.

MRS EVERIDGE: I encouraged her to seek her child so I could find you.

WILHELM: There is a way to prove this. The family trait.

(MRS EVERIDGE nods, then turns and drops her clothing and bends over.)

FROHIKE: My God, it is shaped like Germany.

WILHELM: You are the Poisoner of Alsace.

(MRS EVERIDGE pulls up her clothing and turns to face WILHELM. WILHELM removes a dental plate. Clearly it's not WILHELM after all.)

NOT-WILHELM: Then your ass is grass, lady.

(NOT-WILHELM peels off the latex covering his face to reveal his real identity. It is JIMMY.)

JIMMY: Man, you were so fooled!

(The "dead" lady sits up. The other guests looks astonished.)

MRS HAAG: (to MRS EVERIDGE) That pastry you gave me. You said it was specially for him. You poisoned my maid. I trusted you.

(YVES, BYERS and police officers enter the house.)

MRS HAAG: (to MRS EVERIDGE) You're a liar.

MRS EVERIDGE: I'm not the only one.

(Two police officers arrive to escort MRS EVERIDGE away.)



(Later. Police officers are finishing up. The guests have gone. MRS HAAG is sitting on a sofa. FROHIKE goes over and sits by her. A warm fire is lit in the fireplace.)

FROHIKE: Listen. I'm (pause) I'm sorry I tried to see your butt. I had to do it. I mean, I had to lie to you. But I'm sorry you got hurt. And I'm sorry you haven't found your son yet.

MRS HAAG: I did find him. For a day or so.

(FROHIKE reaches across and covers her hands with his.)


(Outside. While an FBI agent talks to YVES in her car, FROHIKE walks across the road to the VW.)

JIMMY: There's the man himself. Secret agent man. We make one heck of a team, huh?

(He holds his arms wide open.)

FROHIKE: We don't hug.

BYERS: I spoke to the FBI. Yves is already filing for the million dollar bounty on Michael Wilhelm.

LANGLY: Highly typical.

FROHIKE: No surprise there. She's only out for herself.

JIMMY: Then why did she stick around after she knocked out Wilhelm? And do this cool make-up job.

(He pulls at some of the latex still sticking to his neck. It snaps back.)

JIMMY: Owww!! (pause) She did save our butts. Maybe she's not the person you think she is.

FROHIKE: (to JIMMY) You could still be fired.

(YVES drives off into the night. JIMMY watches her with admiration.)

(Fade to black.)


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