The characters, plotlines, quotes, etc. included here are owned by Chris Carter and 1013 Productions, all rights reserved. The following transcript is in no way a substitute for the show "The X-Files" and is merely meant as a homage. This transcript is not authorized or endorsed by Chris Carter, 1013 Productions, or Fox Entertainment. It was painstakingly typed out by Libby and DrWeesh, and made available for your personal enjoyment by me, DrWeesh from my website, InsideTheX.


(Television screen showing TV reporter and another man, SENATOR JEFFERSON, in front of a cheering crowd.)

REPORTER: I'm here at campaign headquarters in downtown Richmond with Senator Richard Jefferson.

(Camera pans across from television. It's the inside of a TV unit van.)

(Cut to: outside the van which shows WVFH, and camera pans up to show satellite dish on top of the van, against a cityscape.)

REPORTER: Just four days before the election, in a race which is suddenly ugly with allegations after the death of a Jefferson campaign worker in a mysterious auto accident.

(The scene has shifted to the REPORTER and the SENATOR.)

SENATOR: We are all deeply saddened by the tragic loss of this young woman, Miss Bonabo. Our hearts go out to the family of our good friend.

(Camera pans past the SENATOR into the crowd. BYERS is standing there holding a campaign balloon.)

FROHIKE: (VO) Hold steady, Byers.

(Cut to inside the TV van.)

DIRECTOR: Stop with the fluff. Get to the damn allegations.

(Cut to reporter.)

REPORTER: Senator, your opponent claims that you're trying to bury the facts about the accident and the truth about your relationship with the victim, Miss Bonabo.

SENATOR: Let me say emphatically, those are lies, meant to capitalize politically on a real tragedy.

REPORTER: Cut the crap, Senator. Wasn't Miss Bonabo's accident really just a way to keep her quiet about your torrid little affair.

(The REPORTER doesn't seem to believe what he's just said. He checks his earpiece while the crowd boos.)

(Cut to inside TV van.)

DIRECTOR: Who told him to say that?

(Cut back to REPORTER and SENATOR.)

SENATOR: Well that's rather a bizarre bit of phraseology I really shouldn't dignify with a response.

(Camera pans over another van. It has a sticker in the back window: Question Authority. Cut to inside.)

LANGLY: Isn't it well known amongst your staff that you and Miss Bonabo liked to play hide the salami.

(Cut back to REPORTER and SENATOR.)

REPORTER: Isn't it well known amongst your staff that you and Miss Bonabo liked to play hide the salami.

(REPORTER looks horrified by what he's said. One of the SENATOR'S aides approaches the SENATOR.)

AIDE: OK, now that's uncalled for. Senator -

SENATOR: You know, I certainly hope my Momma's not listening, 'cos I know how it upsets her to hear these vicious rumours.

(Cut to TV van.)

DIRECTOR: Where'd he get those questions?

TECHNICIAN: I think he's just making them up.

DIRECTOR: He's too stupid to make them up.

(Cut to TV monitor.)

REPORTER: Senator Skirtchaser -

(Reporter's earpiece wails. Reporter looks shocked.)

REPORTER: Senator Skirtchaser?

(Cut to Lone Gunman van.)

FROHIKE: Don't get cute, Langly.

(LANGLY shushes him.)

FROHIKE: Byers, higher with the balloon. Our transmission's cutting out.

(TV monitor shows BYERS with his balloon.)

(Cut to TV van where the same view of BYERS is showing.)

DIRECTOR: Wait a second. Who's that guy?


DIRECTOR: The guy with the silver balloon.

TECHNICIAN: I don't know.

DIRECTOR: I don't know how but he's hijacked our transmission.

(The REPORTER puts his hand to his earpiece and reacts with horror.)


(Cut to outside the TV van. The DIRECTOR gets out and starts running. Camera pans back to show JIMMY standing there.)

JIMMY: (Into his concealed microphone) Torpedo in the water.

(BYERS hears this in his earpiece. He sees the DIRECTOR pushing his way through the crowd and as he moves away he bumps into a WOMAN, they fall over and he lets go of the balloon string. We see BYERS has fallen on top of the WOMAN.)

WOMAN: Get off me.

(BYERS pushes his way through the crowd.)

JIMMY: I think we're in trouble, Byers has been spotted.

(The DIRECTOR overhears this, stops and points at JIMMY.)

DIRECTOR: Hey, you!

(JIMMY feigns innocence. The DIRECTOR comes up to him.)

DIRECTOR: I'm talking to you.

(The DIRECTOR notices JIMMY'S earpiece and pulls it out.)

DIRECTOR: What's your business here?

JIMMY: Me? (pause) I'm with 60 Minutes.

DIRECTOR: No you're not. Who's your boss?

JIMMY: Geraldo Rivera?

(The DIRECTOR walks off. JIMMY speaks into his microphone.)

JIMMY: Hey, guys?

(The DIRECTOR is speaking to a couple of security guards.)

(Cut to Lone Gunmen van. LANGLY is talking into his microphone, FROHIKE is looking unhappy at what LANGLY is saying.)

LANGLY: Come clean, Senator, how did you do it? Slit her brake lines? Have her run off the road?

(The van door opens.)

LANGLY: Come on, Senator, how many bimbos do you have to ice to bury the truth, being that you've buried more pipes than Exxon in Alaska.

(LANGLY turns round to the open door.)

LANGLY: Shut the damn door, I'm on a roll -


FROHIKE: Uh. Pay no attention to that man (pointing at LANGLY).


(Fade to black.)




(Camera pans over yard. The Lone Gunmen's VW is parked. A police van draws up. A POLICE OFFICER, sporting a luxuriant moustache, opens the side door and LANGLY gets out.)

OFFICER: Next stop, ladies wear.

(FROHIKE follows LANGLY out.)

FROHIKE: Walk on by, brother. Let it go.

OFFICER: Enchante, mademoiselle.

(LANGLY shrugs off FROHIKE'S restraining hand and turns back to the OFFICER.)

LANGLY: You got a problem, Officer? You got a problem with the hair, man?

FROHIKE: Langly -

LANGLY: No, no. I just spent nine hours in jail defending my honor, I think I deserve a little respect from the man in blue here. An apology for my friend and I for suffering insults, humiliation and time in the slammer to see that justice is done. You know what the difference between you and me is? It ain't the hair, and it ain't the doughnut duster over your big fat pie hole, the difference between you and me is that -

FROHIKE: Langly!

OFFICER: The difference between you and me is - I got a gun.

(FROHIKE pulls LANGLY away.)

FROHIKE: Come on.

(They walk across the yard.)

FROHIKE: Hey, man, we got four days to the election. Four days to make sure the Senator is exposed for what he is, before he can put the fix in for good. We are not gonna get that story rotting in the hoosegow.

(A black car has pulled into the yard and drives up to FROHIKE and LANGLY. BYERS and JIMMY get out.)

JIMMY: Hey, you guys all right?

LANGLY: Yeah, no thanks to you.

JIMMY: I tried to warn you.

FROHIKE: Oh save it, Jimmy. It was a long cold night in the pokey, and some kind named Maurice tried to make me his Afghan.

(JIMMY looks disgusted.)

JIMMY: Oh, man. Do I feel terrible.

FROHIKE: It's not the dog, Jimmy, the blanket.

(JIMMY looks reassured, then puzzled.)

BYERS: What Jimmy's trying to say is - it was all for nothing. Senator Jefferson's ratings didn't go down after the interview, they went up. The whole thing was seen as an ambush, a political stunt.

LANGLY: What's wrong with people. Doesn't anyone care that a woman's dead, that a US Senator had her bumped off. The man's getting away with murder.

BYERS: Unfortunately, he may be unless we can get proof that he did it.

FROHIKE: Proof? Jefferson's a player, a notorious wrecking machine. A married man that carries on like a sex-crazed teenager. And now he's gone Chappaquidick on us.

LANGLY: I say we run with the story. Run it now, verify facts later.

BYERS: Langly, what about journalistic integrity? We cannot print rumours.

FROHIKE: Yeah. What if it backfires again? These people put the right spin on the story, Jefferson could go to the White House.

JIMMY: I'd vote for him.

(The others look at JIMMY.)

JIMMY: Hey! He seems like a great guy.

FROHIKE: Come here, Jimmy. I wanna feel your forehead.

(JIMMY comes over, FROHIKE kicks him in the shin.)

JIMMY: Owww! What d'you do that for?

FROHIKE: I owed it to the world.

BYERS: We're wasting time here.

LANGLY: That's right. Let's get moving.

(The THREE GUNMEN climb into the front of the VW. JIMMY speaks to them through the window.)

JIMMY: What do you guys want me to do?

FROHIKE: Just clean the windscreen Gomer Pyle, and then get out of the way.

(JIMMY goes to the front, pulls his jacket sleeve over his hand and is just about to start cleaning the windscreen.)

BYERS: Stop!

(The three get out of the van - there's a faint message on the windscreen - "RX843" written by finger on the dirty glass.)

JIMMY: What did I do now?

BYERS: You may have just preserved a valuable piece of information.

FROHIKE: RX - is that a prescription number?

LANGLY: There's one way to find out.

(In the back of the VW, the GUNMEN and JIMMY are huddled around a computer monitor.)

LANGLY: Gentlemen, it looks like we might have ourselves a Deep Throat.

(JIMMY is disgusted.)

JIMMY: Woah! Guys.

BYERS: Someone's left us a clue on the woman who died in the accident.

JIMMY: You mean, on the windshield. That's her prescription number?

(BYERS nods agreement. Monitor shows: Rx #843 757 019 Bonabo, Barbara.)

JIMMY: What would a dead woman need a prescription for?

(THE GUNMEN sigh.)


(Day. The Wohlgemuth Memorial Medical Center. FROHIKE and LANGLY enter. They go up to the deserted reception counter.)

FROHIKE: There's no-one here. Think we can just slip in, get the Bonabo file and Bob's your uncle.

(As FROHIKE lifts the end of the counter, a NURSE comes in from a corridor.)

NURSE: Can I help you gentlemen?

(They turn around. The NURSE looks very stern. LANGLY tries to come up with a believable excuse.)

LANGLY: I - yeah - yeah - um, my, my friend here is really ill. He - uh - he's got a bad - um - stomach-ache.

NURSE: Oh. Where does it hurt?

FROHIKE: Oh, it hurts all over.

(The NURSE, who doesn't believe all this, smiles.)

NURSE: Then you need a specialist.

LANGLY: No! It's an emergency.

NURSE: Doctor can't treat what doctor can't see. I'm going to send you for a lower G.I.

(FROHIKE is horrified.)

LANGLY: No! No! We know what's wrong, he's got (pauses and looks at FROHIKE) gas. Terrible - explosive - gas.

MAN: (VO) Nurse! Can you come back here!

NURSE: Excuse me.

(The NURSE walks off.)

FROHIKE: (to LANGLY) Gas! Couldn't you choose something more dignified?

LANGLY: Like what?

FROHIKE: Like, I don't know what, but how am I supposed to fake a gas attack.

LANGLY: Well, how am I supposed to sneak in there and get those files.

(The NURSE returns.)

NURSE: The doctor will see you now.

(FROHIKE enters Examination Room 7, followed by the NURSE.)

NURSE: Remove your clothes and put on a gown. The doctor will be along.

(FROHIKE removes his jacket.)

(In the waiting area outside, LANGLY sits down and looks over at the NURSE at the desk and who smiles evilly back at him. LANGLY picks up a magazine and settles down. Suddenly there are loud flatulent noises coming from the examination room. LANGLY and the NURSE look at each other, then go back to their tasks. The noises continue, LANGLY and the NURSE look at each other, smile, go back to their tasks. This happens several times. Eventually the NURSE gets up from her desk and goes to investigate.)

(In the examination room, FROHIKE has changed into a gown and is sitting on the bed grimacing. The camera pans over revealing that he is sitting on a hot water bottle and squeezing the open end to produce the bowel noises. The NURSE storms in.)

NURSE: What in heaven's name - !

(At this point FROHIKE lets go of the hot water bottle and, deflated, sinks to the couch. He's looking abashed.)

(Outside, LANGLY lifts the end of the now-vacated counter and sits down at the computer. He accesses Barbara Bonabo's file.)

MAN: (VO) Excuse me.

(A MAN in a white coat is standing at the other side of the counter. We see LANGLY from the MAN'S POV - very blurred.)

DOCTOR: Nurse. What's the other patient. I take it we have an emergency.

(He snaps his rubber gloves. Then goes towards the examination room. LANGLY grabs a lock of his hair and smiles - this time having long hair is an advantage. The doctor goes into the exam room and closes the door. LANGLY picks up a sheet of paper from the printer - it has Barbara Bonabo's details on it. Just then the exam room door opens again and the doctor rushes out, followed by FROHIKE on a trolley being pushed by three nurses.)

FROHIKE: I feel better now! Really! I'm fine! It must have been the chilli cheese dog I ate for lunch.

(LANGLY winces.)


(Outside the building with Jefferson campaign banners. The VW is parked by the railings. Inside BYERS is painting something onto JIMMY'S palm.)

JIMMY: What exactly is this stuff?

BYERS: Forensic adhesive. I borrowed it from a friend at the FBI. Used it to pull the prints off whomever wrote on our windshield. You're going to use it to find a match.

JIMMY: And all I have to do is walk in and shake hands with people?

BYERS: Someone on the Senator's team may be our informant. We find out who we may be able to persuade them to tell us how he killed the girl. You're our eyes and ears, Jimmy.

(He puts an earpiece into JIMMY'S ear.)


(Inside the campaign headquarters. Several telephones are ringing constantly. There is an atmosphere of hard work. We see many people milling around and sitting at desks answering the phones.)

WOMAN: (VO) Campaign headquarters. May I help you?

(There's lots of activity, some people are wearing straw hats with campaign ribbons tied around them. JIMMY enters.)

JIMMY: (into microphone) Jimmy Bond. In the house.

(Cut to BYERS who shakes his head.)

(JIMMY approaches a woman campaign worker, BRENDA, who has a telephone pressed to her ear.)

JIMMY: Hi. I'm here to volunteer my services to the campaign.

(He holds out his hand.)

JIMMY: James Bond. Call me Jimmy.

BRENDA: Do you have any campaign experience, Jimmy?

(JIMMY still has his hand held out, the woman hasn't shaken it.)

JIMMY: Campaign experience? (pause) Uh, no.

BRENDA: Any special skills to volunteer?

JIMMY: Special skills? Well - I can count to 20 in Mexican.

BRENDA: Great! Why don't you try over with the Senator's opponent, Jimmy.

JIMMY: No, wait. Can I just say what an honour it is to be here? Just to be in the presence of such dedicated Americans as Senator Jefferson and yourself. And can I just say thank you - thank you for keeping the dream alive.

(He holds his hand out again.)

BRENDA: Here. (slams a handful of envelopes into his hand.) Lick some envelopes.

(Cut to BYERS.)

BYERS: You're doing fine, Jimmy.

(JIMMY grins and goes off. He take off his jacket and sits down at a table. )

JIMMY: (into microphone) Can't believe I'm actually part of the Senator's campaign!

(BYERS raises his eyebrows.)

(JIMMY starts licking an envelope. Then notices the adhesive on his hand is coming loose. He sees some glue on the desk and tries to squeeze some onto his hand. It doesn't work until he pulls the top off with his teeth. He squeezes the bottle and glue squirts all over the place. Other workers are watching him. He puts his hands down to pick up the envelopes. They stick to his hands, his sleeves. The more he tries to pull them off the worse it gets. Other workers are now grinning. BYERS is getting feedback via the microphone.)

BYERS: What's happening there, Jimmy?

JIMMY: Everything's under control.

(He can't shake the papers off his hands and arms. He gets up. There are campaign leaflets stuck to his butt. He walks out of the room, watched by amused workers, and goes to the restroom.)

JIMMY: Oh, man.

(He goes into a cubicle.)

WOMAN: (VO) In here, hurry up.

(BRENDA, the campaign worker, and a man, JOCK, enter the restroom.)

JOCK: What is it?

BRENDA: I've been calling the apartment for two hours, Jock. No answer.

JOCK: What do you mean, no answer?

(JIMMY is cautiously looking over the cubicle door.)

BRENDA: Nobody's home. The sitter's gone!

JOCK: Would you calm down. Maybe she just took him out for a stroll.

BRENDA: I can't take it. I'd kill myself if anything happened to him.

JOCK: What if she's out blabbing her mouth to whoever's pursuing the Senator's dead girlfriend. In that case, we're dead too.

BRENDA: We're going to hell for this.

JOCK: We have bigger problems than that, Brenda, someone's trying to sink us. We have three days to see that they don't.

BRENDA: Three days. In three days the Senator could impregnate the entire league of women voters.

JOCK: You gonna quit, huh? Or are you gonna help me keep his pants up and get him elected. Now come on.

(JOCK leads BRENDA out of the restroom. JIMMY peers over the top of the cubicle.)


(LANGLY and FROHIKE are breaking in to an apartment. They unlock the front door and enter.)

LANGLY: All clear, Your Gassiness.

FROHIKE: The things I do for a story. Are you sure this is her place?

LANGLY: The doctor wrote Barbara Bonabo a tranquillizer prescription. This was the address she used.

(FROHIKE picks up a framed photo of the SENATOR and a woman.)

FROHIKE: You know what this is? This is the Senator's love-nest.

(Suddenly a voice interrupts them, taking them both by surprise.)

VOICE: (Offscreen) All right. Over against the wall. Both you boys know the routine.

(FROHIKE and LANGLY raise their hands slowly.)

ANOTHER VOICE: (Offscreen )How did you know I was here?

(Some background-style music begins.)

VOICE: Police been watching this place and a hundred more just like it.

(FROHIKE and LANGLY look at each other, then lower their hands and walk towards the voices.)

VOICE: Ever since your story broke in the newspaper.

ANOTHER VOICE: You cops have all the dumb luck.

(They see a large TV showing an old black and white cop film. Then the TV changes to an advert for a "revolutionary new kitchen appliance that makes dishwashing a breeze", then to a horror movie, then, as the two approach the set, they see a baby playing with the remote control. The channel is changed to typical cartoon music and FROHIKE and LANGLY exchange glances.)

(Fade to black.)


(Inside the Lone Gunman office. The baby is lying on a blanket on a desk. The four guys are there.)

BYERS: He was left alone?

JIMMY: All by himself?

FROHIKE: That's what "alone" means.

LANGLY: He wasn't left alone for long.

BYERS: How would you know that?

LANGLY: I put my nose to his diaper.

(The others look disgusted.)

JIMMY: And you think it's the Senator's?

BYERS: It's the Senator's love shack. He was afraid his little chickie was gonna squeal so he fed her the pills and took her for a drive. Of course it's his.

JIMMY: But the Senator's a married man.

(The baby begins to whimper.)

JIMMY: What would his wife think?

LANGLY: (loudly) That's what this is all about.

(FROHIKE hushes LANGLY as the baby begins to cry in earnest. BYERS also hushes LANGLY.)

BYERS: Langly.

LANGLY: Hey, What do I know about kids?

FROHIKE: Maybe it's just hungry. Somebody get it a - cheeseburger.

(Instantly, the baby gurgles and stops crying.)

JIMMY: If it gets out that this is the Senator's baby, he's gonna lose the election.

FROHIKE: Exactly. (to LANGLY) Think you can do DNA testing?

LANGLY: That would take more than 48 hours.

BYERS: I've got a hunch one of Jefferson's people may be willing to talk. Jimmy was able to eavesdrop on Jefferson's campaign managers. The woman was upset, angry at the Senator. Maybe about the kid.

LANGLY: Of course, it makes perfect sense. She was angry at his behaviour but she was afraid to go public. So she left a clue on our windshield.

FROHIKE: Jimmy. You gotta go back in there, man. Get her to dish the dirt. We get proof this is Jefferson's love child - he's going down.

LANGLY: And our circulation is going up.

(The THREE GUNMEN are pleased with this idea. JIMMY is serious.)

JIMMY: I thought all you guys were looking for was the truth. But you're out to ruin the Senator.

BYERS: Our job isn't to judge. It's to get the news and report it. Let the chips fall where they may.

(JIMMY isn't happy.)

JIMMY: Yeah, if you say so. (Sighs) Who's gonna watch the kid?

(The baby starts to cry again.)

(Cut to FROHIKE carrying the baby around the office. He's holding the baby either side of its waist, facing forwards.)

FROHIKE: Cheeseburger! Cheeseburger! Cheeseburger! Langly! Langly!

(FROHIKE turns a corner to a desk where LANGLY is working.)

FROHIKE: Langly! Peekaboo.

(LANGLY is looking anguished.)

LANGLY: I can't take this.

FROHIKE: Well try it for five minutes. Here!

(He puts the baby on LANGLY'S desk.)

FROHIKE: I think he needs a bottle.

(LANGLY picks up the baby.)

LANGLY: Eww. That's not all he needs.

(FROHIKE opens the fridge and takes out an opened carton of milk. He sniffs it, then puts it back in the fridge.)

FROHIKE: We're fresh out of milk. How about some non-dairy coffee creamer.

(He takes out a bottle of something.)

LANGLY: Whatever! Just get in here!

(The baby is lying on the desk again. LANGLY holds up a diaper.)

LANGLY: Eww. Why spend billions developing biological warfare.

(FROHIKE approaches.)

LANGLY: What is that?

(Over the top of the bottle, FROHIKE has placed a latex glove.)

FROHIKE: Out of my way Mr. Mom.

(The crying stops. The baby is smiling. He's also peeing - all over LANGLY's Ramones "Wanted" T-shirt. LANGLY just stands there. The baby is peeing a lot for a baby.)

LANGLY: All right, already! Enough with the firehose.

(The baby looks pleased with himself.)


(Inside the Jefferson Campaign Headquarters. JIMMY enters.)

BRENDA: - The Senator is -

(She's talking to a group of older women. She sees JIMMY and runs to him.)

BRENDA: Jimmy! That's your name, isn't it? Can you come with me, now.

(She leads him off through the crowd.)

JIMMY: Is there something the matter?

BRENDA: You see this group of blue-haired ladies? Don't look at them! Jimmy! Just keep moving.

JIMMY: Who are they?

BRENDA: Big supporters of the Senator. They're here to present him with an award.

JIMMY: Wow! Can I get to meet the Senator, too.

BRENDA: That's where we're going, Jimmy.


(Locker room. A shower head is spraying water. JIMMY and BRENDA walk in.)

JOCK: He fell like a wet sack of crap.

(The SENATOR is sitting unconscious in the shower tray.)

JIMMY: What happened to him?

BRENDA: He's got a condition.

JIMMY: Those ladies out there are going to be so disappointed.

BRENDA: That's just it, Jimmy.

JOCK: Those women drove seven hours to present the Senator this award. Their support is critical to the election. He's got to accept it.

JIMMY: Shouldn't we call a doctor?


JIMMY: Well, I don't know, he don't seem in any shape to be in public.

BYERS: (in JIMMY'S ear) Jimmy! Do it! Do what they say. It's our chance to expose him.

(JIMMY goes over and turns off the shower. He crouches down in front of the SENATOR, JOCK and BRENDA bend down to look at the SENATOR.)

JIMMY: Senator? Senator Jefferson?

BRENDA: If you can just get him on his feet, he usually comes around.

(JIMMY prods the SENATOR a couple of times - no reaction. Then he hauls the SENATOR upright.)

BRENDA: Senator?

(The SENATOR briefly opens his eyes.)

JEFFERSON: Man the life boats.

(He falls forwards into JIMMY'S arms.)

BRENDA: You've got the Women's Auxiliary here, Senator. They're waiting.

JOCK: They just want to hear a word from you.

BRENDA: Let's get you some dry clothes.

(JOCK and BRENDA help the SENATOR away.)

JEFFERSON: I believe I have to urinate.

(Cut to JIMMY, open-mouthed.)

JEFFERSON: Your endorsement is so important to me ...

(The camera pans over an enthralled JIMMY and a group of smiling women.)

JEFFERSON: ... I am truly blessed. Without you ladies, I am nothing. A man with good intentions is just a man. But a man in office with the support of folks like y'all is a man on a mission.

(The WOMEN applaud enthusiastically. The camera pans to show the SENATOR dressed in jacket and tie standing in front of a wide lectern. Then the camera angle changes and we see over the SENATOR'S shoulder as he waves to them and then scratches his butt. We see he's wearing blue boxers - no trousers.)


(Cut to the monitor outside TLG office. It's YVES. Buzzer sounding repeatedly along with the BABY'S crying.)

LANGLY: Thank God she's here.

(LANGLY opens the door.)

YVES: Langly, is that a baby crying?

LANGLY: No, that's a baby about to drive us into a tower with guns.

(FROHIKE is sitting, holding the BABY.)

FROHIKE: (to BABY) Come on, how bad can it be? Want to see a funny face?

(FROHIKE makes a funny face - finger and thumb in either side of his mouth with his tongue sticking out - making appropriate noises.)

YVES: And you boys wonder what the problem is.

FROHIKE: I'm in no mood for your usual sarcasm, Yves. Just show us where the volume control is.

YVES: You must be joking.

LANGLY: We tried everything.

FROHIKE: (to BABY) It's okay. It's okay.

(LANGLY walks over to FROHIKE and the BABY.)

LANGLY: We fed him, we changed him. I even read him bedtime stories about the FBI's illegal collection of internet surveillance data.

FROHIKE: This kid refuses to negotiate.

(YVES walks over to the BABY.)

YVES: Even you're not that stupid Frohike. He won't quite crying until you give him what he wants.

(FROHIKE and LANGLY exchange glances and then smile and look at YVES.)

FROHIKE: Free the prisoners.

YVES: Oh, God. I'm dealing with schoolboys.

(She takes the BABY from FROHIKE and goes into maternal mode.)

YVES: Oh, look at you. You're a bright boy. Yes, you are.

(She puts her finger into the BABY'S mouth. The BABY stops crying.)

LANGLY: I don't believe it. That's it? That's all it took?

FROHIKE: Sticking a finger in it's mouth?

YVES: Did it ever occur to you that your little Prince might be teething?

LANGLY: Well, when we found him, he didn't come with an instruction manual.

YVES: You found him?

LANGLY: No. No, of course not. That's just a figure of speech. We didn't find him - he's Frohike's.

(FROHIKE shoots LANGLY a look of horror.)

YVES: Melvin?

FROHIKE: Hey, you know, you tomcat around long enough, you're bound to wind up with a litter or two. (to BABY) Come to Papa, big boy.

(He takes the BABY, who starts crying again.)


(Back at Campaign Headquarters. It's late and workers are leaving. JIMMY is sat at a desk, still licking envelopes.)

JOCK: Jimmy! Good work today, I know the Senator really appreciates it.

(He offers his hand to JIMMY, but JIMMY drops an envelope and misses the opportunity.)

JIMMY: Oh. Hey, thanks.

JOCK: No, it's okay, Jimmy. Hey, listen, there's something I want to discuss with you, if I may. What you saw today in the bathroom, the Senator's, uh, condition. Understand we don't discuss it - there'd be nothing to discuss.

BYERS: (on radio) Discuss it with him, Jimmy.

JIMMY: Not that it's any of my business, but this condition - if we were to discuss it, what exactly would we be discussing?

JOCK: I don't know how to put this. The Senator's on a medication for his angina.

JIMMY: His what?

JOCK: The Senator has a little angina.

JIMMY: (Laughing) Oh, come on.

JOCK: I know, I know, he seems like such a big strong man, but it's true and it's not important, as long as he keeps doing the job well, right? Now this is between just us.

(JOCK walks away. JIMMY looks bewildered.)

JIMMY: I'll get to the bottom of this.

(BRENDA is on the phone but JIMMY stops the call.)

JIMMY: We need to have a little talk.

BRENDA: About?

JIMMY: Oh, I think you know. And you're pretty darn upset about it too.

BRENDA: What are you talking about?

JIMMY: Oh, come on. What kind of fool do you take me for? The Senator may be a big strong man, but you and I know what his condition is.

(BRENDA glances over to JOCK, who is on the phone at another desk. JIMMY moves in closer to BRENDA.)

JIMMY: Look, you and I both know, the Senator doesn't have any angina. But that's not the big secret. (He mimes rocking a baby.) I think you're just looking for someone to tell, aren't you? Whenever you're ready, I'm your man.

(He walks away as JOCK arrives. JIMMY leaves the building.)

JOCK: Brenda?

BRENDA: He knows, Jock. About everything.

JOCK: Well, looks like we'll just have to take care of it. Just like we did with the Senator's little girlfriend.

(JOCK walks away.)

(Fade to black.)


(Outside. Daytime. Workers are setting up for a rally. JIMMY walks through the activity, smiling broadly, and enters campaign headquarters. He picks up a stack of envelopes and then looks slowly around the busy office. He sees JOCK who sees him and beckons him over. JIMMY looks around, unsure whether JOCK means him then points to himself. JOCK patiently nods his head.)

(Inside the bathroom. BRENDA is looking in a mirror, fussing with her hair. JIMMY and JOCK enter.)

BRENDA: Hi, Jimmy. How are you?

JIMMY: Fine. How are you doing?

BRENDA: Great. Just great. In fact, things are looking so good that Jock and I think we no longer need you here as a volunteer, Jimmy.

JIMMY: What are you saying?

BRENDA: What I'm saying is that Senator Jefferson looks like he's got this one in the bag, and he wants to bring you on his team full time, Jimmy.

JIMMY: No. Seriously?

JOCK: And as a show of faith, we'd like to give you a little bonus.

(He hands JIMMY a check.)

BRENDA: To just say thanks, Jimmy

JIMMY: I know what this is.

JOCK: Just a little something.

JIMMY: Yeah, like the job offer. Keep me quiet about the Senator.

(JIMMY turns away, upset. Then he turns back to them.)

JIMMY: You know, I've always believed that the Senator was a great man. When that train jumped the tracks, and all those school kids were hurt. He was there, with the families, crying. And when he got up there to Washington and poured his heart out, about making sure that the needy weren't forgotten - he changed people's minds, 'cos he cared. But, I guess, maybe there's another side to the story, one that I keep wishing weren't true. See, I want to believe that the Senator's a great man, but not because somebody's paying me to.

(JIMMY leaves the bathroom. BRENDA and JOCK look at each other, JOCK shakes his head.)


(The Lone Gunmen Office. YVES is outside, repeatedly pressing the buzzer.)

FROHIKE: Will you lay off the buzzer. I just got the kid to sleep.

YVES: Melvin. I'm so impressed. I really thought you'd be all thumbs at this fatherhood business. You do know it's quite a turn-on when a man shows himself so capable.

FROHIKE: Really?

(YVES leans in closer to FROHIKE.)

YVES: Maybe I'll have to re-evaluate you.

(LANGLY appears, in a striped dressing-gown, removing a set of ear plugs.)

LANGLY: Okay, who's finger's responsible for the electroshock treatment?

FROHIKE: Hey, show some respect. The lady's here out of concern for the child. A lot more than I can say for you, Ichabod Crane.

LANGLY: Oh yeah, if you're so concerned, why don't you check out the throttle on your little "Urban Cowbaby".

YVES: "Urban Cowbaby"?

(LANGLY gestures with his head. YVES is concerned and walks off in the direction LANGLY indicated, followed by FROHIKE. LANGLY closes the door. (YVES walks through the office until she spots the baby.)

YVES: Have you both gone insane?

(The "Urban Cowbaby" is a mechanised contraption that rocks a child car seat, while alternately offering the child a bottle, a dummy, or toast. It looks really ingenious.)

YVES: You could be thrown in jail.

FROHIKE: Working, isn't it?

LANGLY: Yeah, if you're trying to make a milkshake in the kid's stomach.

YVES: Melvin, you should be ashamed.

(She turns the gadget off.)

FROHIKE: How are we supposed to get any work done? How are we supposed to publish our paper and root out graft, corruption and corporate greed for our loyal readers if we're changing poopy diapers?

YVES: A man who even has to ask that question, is hardly a man at all!

(FROHIKE and LANGLY look abashed. The baby poops.)


(Inside the VW. JIMMY slides open the door.)

JIMMY: Did you hear all that?

BYERS: They were bribing you.

JIMMY: Yeah, can you believe it?

BYERS: Jimmy, this is great news.

JIMMY: Well, I'm glad you think so.

BYERS: They were buying your silence, it's completely illegal.

JIMMY: Like they think I can be bought.

BYERS: Where's the check, Jimmy?

JIMMY: Where is it? I tore it up.

BYERS: You tore it up.

JIMMY: (Outraged) Into little itty bitty pieces and then I scattered it all over that no-good Brenda's desk to let her know who they're dealing with.

BYERS: (Angrily) For God's sake, that was our evidence you destroyed, Jimmy!

JIMMY: You said you needed fingerprints.

(BYERS puts his head in his hands, and sighs. LANGLY appears.)

LANGLY: How's it going, guys?

BYERS: We're doomed.

LANGLY: What do you mean we're doomed?

BYERS: We've got 36 hours 'til the election and we've got nothing. No evidence, no story, nothing to prove the Senator did anything wrong.

LANGLY: What happened to Deep Throat, the turncoat, this Linda Tripp?

BYERS: If she ever wanted to talk, I'd say that opportunity is long gone.

(BYERS puts his head in his hands again. LANGLY looks dispirited. JIMMY to the rescue!)

JIMMY: You want evidence, I'll get you evidence. I'll get you the story.

(JIMMY walks off right, very determined, then stops, thinks, and walks off left.)


(Inside a parenthood class. A woman who is taking the class is walking around the room, filled with small babies and their parents.)

WOMAN: The love your baby feels is the love your baby deals. In the animal kingdom babies who are not nurtured by their mothers grow up unprepared to nurture their own offspring. So it is with the human animal.

(The camera pans along the back of the seating and shows FROHIKE sitting next to YVES who is holding the baby.)

FROHIKE: (whispers to YVES) I can't go through with this.

YVES: Melvin, he's your child.

WOMAN: The job of nurturing falls to both Mommy and Daddy. But sometimes Daddy feels ill-equipped to bond with baby. And that's why we're here today!

(Camera pans over front of the class. Parents and babies. All the "Daddies", including FROHIKE, are wearing false breasts with very prominent nipples. YVES hands the baby to FROHIKE.)

WOMAN: Gentlemen, keep those nipples high and proud!

FROHIKE: You breathe one word of this, Yves -

(FROHIKE manoeuvres a nipple towards the baby's mouth.)

FROHIKE: Look at you. Look at you, look at little Billy Goat Gruff -

(The baby actually isn't particular interested in FROHIKE's "nipple".)

FROHIKE: How could the Senator abandon such a sweet little angel.

(YVES has heard this. FROHIKE realises this and looks at her, uncomfortable.)


(Back to rally. On the platform a vocal group start singing "Oh, happy day" to a crowd carrying placards and balloons.)

(Pan to behind the scenes. JIMMY is handing out coffee.)

JIMMY: Grande decaf no cream. Grande regular, cream and sugar. Triple grande cappuccino - here you go.

(He walks over to BRENDA, JOCK and the SENATOR.)

JIMMY: Your coffees.

(He hands each a container - the containers have broad tape around them. JIMMY winks at BRENDA. The SENATOR smiles at JIMMY, JIMMY smiles back and walks off. The SENATOR takes a sip of his coffee.)

SENATOR: Nice kid.

(Later at the rally. On the stage, the group is now singing "Say a little prayer". JIMMY is walking through the crowd with a large plastic sack over his shoulder. He approaches BYERS and LANGLY who are leaning against the VW.)

BYERS: What on earth are you doing?

JIMMY: Bringing you your evidence.

(He empties the bag which is full of empty coffee cups.)

JIMMY: Fingerprints. On the cups.

LANGLY: It's too late.

(FROHIKE and YVES arrive. FROHIKE has the baby in a baby-carrier.)

BYERS: Maybe not.

(BYERS is running a fingerprint comparison in the van.)

YVES: Leave it to you bumbling fools to ruin a beautiful opportunity.

FROHIKE: She knows everything.

YVES: You let this man get away with fathering an illegitimate child? And keeping it a secret from the voters over there? Shame on you.

LANGLY: Just cool your jets, Yves.

BYERS: Hey! I think we've found our Deep Throat.

(Fade to black.)


(Fade back to outside stage. The SENATOR comes on stage, wearing dark glasses, and playing a saxophone. BRENDA and JOCK are clapping along, smiling. The camera pans over the crowd. There's a man (a Bush look-a-like) playing "guitar" using a small campaign placard.)

(JIMMY appears in the gap in the curtains just behind BRENDA.)

JIMMY: Psst! Psst! Come here!

(BRENDA goes backstage. With JIMMY are LANGLY, BYERS, YVES, and FROHIKE still carrying the baby. BRENDA goes over to the baby.)

BRENDA: Oh my God. Oh. Oh, I was so worried that something terrible had happened to him. Something awful.

JIMMY: The little guy's fine, Brenda.

(BRENDA punches JIMMY in the face. Everyone else groans in sympathy.)

BRENDA: You. I ought to kick your butt from her to the Potomac.

JIMMY: For what?

BRENDA: For lying to me. For playing the big, dumb, stupid lunkhead.

JIMMY: I wasn't playing anything.

BRENDA: Oh no. The Senator's a great man, the Senator's this, the Senator's that. And then you go and kidnap his baby and bring him here so you can humiliate him.

JIMMY: That's what you wanted.

BRENDA: Me? To ruin the Senator?

BYERS: A clue left on our windshield led us to the kid. We pulled a fingerprint off of it, which matched up perfectly with this.

(BYERS holds up a cup.)

LANGLY: Grande vanilla 2% no-whip caramel latte, Babe.

BRENDA: I had a regular cappuccino.

FROHIKE: That's not your cup?


YVES: And not her fingerprints either.

JIMMY: Then, whose cup is it?

(Back at the stage. The group quietly hums "America". The SENATOR is standing at the lectern.)

SENATOR: As I stand here today, just hours before election day, I stand here as a partner, with you. As a friend. A relative. A man you can trust, not just to protect the America we know and love, but to fight for you like a junkyard dog. I am the man -

(BRENDA rushes onto the stage, puts her hand over the microphone and whispers to the SENATOR.)

SENATOR: (to crowd) Folks, you'll have to excuse me.

(Inside campaign headquarters. People are peering in through the windows. The SENATOR smiles at them and then turns away. JOCK, YVES, JIMMY, BYERS, LANGLY and BRENDA are standing, FROHIKE is sitting on a chair holding the baby.)

JEFFERSON: I've got voters out there waiting. Now what's this all about?

BRENDA: About you being ruined, Senator.

JEFFERSON: Ruined? By who? These people?

BYERS: We're reporters, Senator, from a paper called "The Lone Gunman". We've been working on an expose.

JEFFERSON: An expose? About who? Not me?

LANGLY: About your drunken behaviour, and your reckless carousing and the death of one of your campaign workers.

JEFFERSON: Those are rumours. You tell them, Jock.

BRENDA: Jock already told them. It's how they know the truth, Senator.

JEFFERSON: Jock? Not Jock, Jock's my boy.

BRENDA: Your loyal campaign manager, over there, is a back-stabbing traitor. Why don't you just admit it to him, Jock?

BYERS: Look, we know about your affairs, Senator, with Barbara Bonabo. The clue left on our car led us to a doctor who wrote prescriptions for the tranquillisers in her system the night of her accident.

JEFFERSON: Whoa, whoa, whoa. What doctor? What tranquilliser? You talk like I know any of this.

JOCK: The reason you don't know any, is because I took care of it for you. Like I take care of everything. All the mess, all your dirty secrets.

JEFFERSON: You killed Barbara Bonabo, Jock?

JOCK: No, I didn't kill her. We just wanted to keep her quiet, make her disappear until after the election. But she took some pills and took a drive. She was distraught. She was in love with you. But then they're all in love with you.

JEFFERSON: Whatever my behaviour, or my affairs, this was wrong, Jock.

JOCK: Apparently not, Senator, somehow I always turn it into a victory, don't I? Well, not this time.

BRENDA: No. Jock hates you so much, he put the story right under their nose. Anonymously. Like a coward.

JOCK: I got a career ahead of me, unlike the Senator here.

BRENDA: Even if they write the story, it won't come out until after the election, Senator.

FROHIKE: There's only one little problem.

(FROHIKE approaches, carrying the baby. The SENATOR looks at the baby.)

JEFFERSON: It's mine? I'm the father?

JOCK: Jefferson's the man.

JEFFERSON: Well, this is unforeseen. I do apologise, Brenda. I'm sorry, I've let you down. You too, Jock. I don't blame you for hating me.

(He walks away.)

BRENDA: Where are you going, Senator?

(He stops and looks back at her.)

JEFFERSON: I'm going to save these boys some trouble. I'm going to tell the people out there the truth - myself.

JIMMY: Senator, I'm still voting for you.

JEFFERSON: Thank you, Jimmy.

(The SENATOR smiles and goes out.)

(Fade to black)


(Back at The Lone Gunman office. FROHIKE puts the baby down on a desk. The baby is fretful.)

FROHIKE: Well, I know you're hungry.

(He has a baby bottle and tests the temperature of the milk by shaking the bottle over his wrist.)

FROHIKE: I know you're hungry. Just come one. Have a little milk.

(He gives the baby the bottle. LANGLY comes up with a fresh diaper and shoves FROHIKE out of the way.)

REPORTER: (on television) I'm here at Senator Jefferson's campaign headquarters, where yesterday voters rallied excitedly, expecting a landslide victory. But those rally cries turned to deafening silence this morning, after a tearful speech by the senator, telling the voters about a secret affair and of a love child with a former campaign worker.

(JIMMY and BYERS are watching. JIMMY clicks the remote control.)

JIMMY: I can't listen to this.

BYERS: You play with fire, Jimmy, you're going to get burned.

YVES: At least he was man enough to go out there and admit the truth.

JIMMY: Well, he's still a great man.

YVES: But not a great father.

(LANGLY is holding the baby, who is engrossed in his long hair.)

LANGLY: (to baby) You got a problem with the hair, man.

FROHIKE: He thinks you're his mother.

LANGLY: Bug off, Frohike, we're spending quality time here.

FROHIKE: Hey, it's my turn to hold him.

(The door buzzer sounds.)

LANGLY: Get the door.

FROHIKE: (checking security monitor) What's he doing here?

(He opens the door. The song "Natural Woman" is playing in the background. SENATOR JEFFERSON is outside.)

JEFFERSON: I wasn't sure I had the right address. Anyway, may I come in?

(FROHIKE gestures him in. The SENATOR looks around.)

JEFFERSON: So, this is the conscience of America, huh?

BYERS: We only mean to report the truth.

JEFFERSON: Well, it's a good thing - and inspiring. Wouldn't it be great if we could all be more like you?

JIMMY: That's what you came here to tell us?

JEFFERSON: No, Jimmy, no - I came for something else.

LANGLY: The kid?


YVES: Langly.

(LANGLY reluctantly hands over the baby.)

JEFFERSON: Well, hello, son. Goodness, you don't even have a name yet, do you? You know what, I believe I'm going to call you - William. How about that? William Jefferson.

JIMMY: That's a great name.

(There's a knock at the door. FROHIKE opens it - BRENDA is standing there.)

BRENDA: What can I say? He's a good man. I just came to pick up some baby stuff for the Senator. Excuse me.

(She walks over near the muted television, which is showing the same reporter but also has a "News Flash" banner.)

BRENDA: (Excited) Everybody, come here.

BYERS: What is it?

REPORTER: (on television) First election results in, showing Senator Jefferson not out of this race by any means.

(They all cheer, which sets the baby crying. The SENATOR smiles and cuddles his son.)

(Fade to black)


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