The characters, plotlines, quotes, etc. included here are owned by Chris Carter and 1013 Productions, all rights reserved. The following transcript is in no way a substitute for the show "The X-Files" and is merely meant as a homage. This transcript is not authorized or endorsed by Chris Carter, 1013 Productions, or Fox Entertainment. It was painstakingly typed out by Libby and DrWeesh, and made available for your personal enjoyment by me, DrWeesh from my website, InsideTheX.


(A man, DR HASSLIP, wearing a white coat walks down a corridor. DR HASSLIP shows an ID to a Guard then goes over to a door and swipes his ID. He opens a door marked "NO FOOD PAST THIS POINT".)

(We hear the sounds of keyboards and a voice: " to die, to sleep, perchance to dream: ay, there's the rub;" This voice-over continues during this scene. DR HASSLIP picks up a clipboard folder, underneath which is another folder: "Hamlet, Performed by Edward Woodward".)

EDWARD WOODWARD: For in that sleep of death what dreams may come when we have shuffled off this mortal coil.

(DR HASSLIP opens the clipboard folder and walks down the room, making notes about a number of chimpanzees each sat at a table with a monitor, keyboard and mouse.)

EDWARD WOODWARD: Must give us pause: there's the respect that makes calamity of so long life.

(A monitor shows gibberish.)

EDWARD WOODWARD: For who would bear the whips and scorns of time, ...

(Another monitor shows gibberish.)

EDWARD WOODWARD: The oppressor's wrong, ...

(We see a double set of tables running the length of the room, which chips sat on either side.)

EDWARD WOODWARD: ... the proud man's contumely. The pangs of despised love, the law's delay. The insolence of office -

(DR HASSLIP stops. A monitor shows a perfectly typed version of Edward Woodward's recording. He stares, dumbfounded, while the chip continues to type, then drops the clipboard and hurriedly leaves the room.)

(A little later. During this scene, the song "Monkey Man" is playing. DR HASSLIP leads into the room a number of other white-coated people and takes them excitedly over to the Shakespeare-typing chimp. To his dismay, the monitor is now showing only gibberish. The others raise their eyebrows and shake their heads, and leave. DR HASSLIP follows, pausing to look back at the chimp, then leaves.)

(The chimp's monitor then shows a dialog box: "Are you sure you want to delete this? No Yes". The chip uses the mouse to select Yes. The chimp then starts typing a new document: A SHORT HISTORY OF MY DEMEANING CAPTIVITY.)



(YVES is in the bar, drinking a cocktail. She's with a man, PIERRE, who is dressed in a smart dark suit. YVES is wearing a short, black, halter-neck dress.)

YVES: Merci.

PIERRE: You're welcome. I hope you don't think me overly forward.

YVES: Forward perhaps, not overly.

PIERRE: Then I'll press my luck. You're very beautiful and mysterious. I'd like to get to know you.

YVES: Such a line -

PIERRE: I know, isn't it? If you were me what approach would you take?

(YVES slides over the bar top a plastic card.)

YVES: The direct one.

(YVES walks away. PIERRE picks up the card. As she leaves the bar, TWO MEN watch her.)


(YVES enters a hotel room. A bottle of champagne stands in a cooler. She takes the cooler over to the lounge, places it on a low table and switches on some music. She takes a gadget out of her bag and fits into it a tube marked "sodium pentathol". She hides the gadget under the sofa cushions.)

FROHIKE: Oh, there you are.

YVES: What the hell are you doing here?

FROHIKE: Checking out the digs. Sweet.

LANGLY: Hey, the bathroom's got a water fountain in it.

FROHIKE: That's a bidet.

LANGLY: Man. To-may-to, to-mah-to. Being a dragon lady must pay big.

YVES: What in the hell are you doing here? How did you find me?

FROHIKE: Luckily you've got that weird obsession with anagrams.

LANGLY: Some would call it a fetish. I created a little program that searches all 15 letters of Yves Adele Harlow.

FROHIKE: We ran it through every database we could think of and voila.

LANGLY: One "Sara Lee Wheyvold" turned up registered at this hotel.

FROHIKE: Living large.

YVES: Get out, now.

FROHIKE: Uh uh. First, explain this.

(He hold out a piece of paper.)

YVES: What is it?

LANGLY: You tell us.

FROHIKE: Look, don't play dumb, Yves. You sent us this email, admit it. It's yet another one of your mind games.

LANGLY: You hit us up with that mysterioso bit to get us on the case, then we do all the dirty work for you. It happens every time.

FROHIKE: Only this time...

(PIERRE enters the suite.)

PIERRE: Excusez-moi. It's my fault.

(He leaves.)

FROHIKE: Who's the frog?

YVES: You morons.

(She walks out onto the balcony, followed by FROHIKE and LANGLY, and starts climbing up the wall.)

LANGLY: What are you doing?

YVES: Leaving. I suggest you do the same.

FROHIKE: For god's sake, Yves. Had you considered the elevator?

YVES: Three men are riding up it right now. When they get here they are going to kill everyone present, thanks to the way you've mucked things up.

LANGLY: Do we believe her?

(FROHIKE and LANGLY rush back into the hotel room, jamming up against each other in the doorway in their rush. They run to the hotel room door and open it. There are THREE MEN walking towards them, taking out their guns. FROHIKE and LANGLY slam the door shut and lock it, placing a small table against it.)

LANGLY: What do we do now?

FROHIKE: Grab every towel and sheet you can find. Hurry!

(The MEN break down the door and burst in. They go out onto the balcony. There's a rope of sheets tied together reaching down to the ground. They check around the rest of the balcony then go back into the room. As the camera rises we see FROHIKE and LANGLY lying on top of a large patio umbrella. They creep to the edge of the umbrella and peer over. The coast is clear, they grin at each other, then the umbrella tips over. As they land on the floor, YVES looks over at them from the roof.)


(Cut to TLG HQ. LANGLY and FROHIKE are sitting at a table, FROHIKE holding an ice bag to his head. JIMMY and BYERS are also there. So is YVES.)

YVES: I hope you're happy.

FROHIKE: Do I look happy?

YVES: If I were to describe for you the breadth and scope of the scam you blew for me tonight, the millions you two cost me, your little pea brains would spin inside their skulls.

JIMMY: Huh, wow!

LANGLY: Who the hell were those guys anyway?

YVES: I'm asking the questions now. What was so important that you had to interrupt me at my work?

FROHIKE: Did you or did you not send us this?

(He holds up the piece of paper.)

YVES: For the tenth time - what is it?

LANGLY: You seriously don't know?

FROHIKE: Our mistake. Never mind.

YVES: Frohike, I'll be flossing chunks of your scalp from my teeth if you don't tell me, right this second, what it is you're on about.

BYERS: It's an email we received. It came as a text and audio file. (to LANGLY) Play her the audio.

PEANUTS: (via email) Gentlemen. I'm in desperate need of help. I am familiar with the work you do - defending democracy in all its forms - therefore, I beg you to consider my situation. I am, for lack of a better word, a slave. I am being held captive by a cadre of government scientists who work for the Department of Defence. They subject me to a daily regimen of humiliating tests, which rob me of my dignity. And I am not alone, there are many others just like me. We are victims of experimentation meant to alter the structure of our brains. Don't allow me to die in this hateful, and immoral captivity. Please, help me to escape.

JIMMY: So, what do you think?

YVES: I think that's Edward Woodward. (They all look blank) Edward Woodward, the actor. He played "The Equaliser" on TV.

JIMMY: The guy from "The Equaliser" is being held by government scientists?

YVES: No. I think, perhaps, somebody is having a bit of fun with you.

JIMMY: This "Equaliser" guy, why is he messing with our heads?

BYERS: Jimmy, I don't think it's really Edward Woodward.

LANGLY: Someone must have sampled his voice and constructed this message word for word.

FROHIKE: It's a pretty neat bit of programming.

JIMMY: So, what, the whole thing's a big joke?

BYERS: In the text attachment, he says the scientists call him by his slave name... "Peanuts".

YVES: Peanuts.

BYERS: He asks us to bring a pair of bolt cutters, and meet him at 1 o'clock on Friday afternoon. He'll be behind the fence at the western end of the Boulle Behavioural Laboratory in Richmond, Massachusetts.

LANGLY: I backtraced the email. It did originate from the Boulle Laboratory, whatever that is. But when I tried to crack into the server, hit a DOD firewall. Heavy military security.

BYERS: I think it merits a trip to western Massachusetts. On the off chance it's true, it'd be a huge scoop for "The Lone Gunman".

FROHIKE: Yeah, I say we do it.

YVES: I'm coming with you. (They stop, puzzled.) You owe me, big time.


(DR HASSLIP is spelling "DOCTOR HASSLIP" with magnetic letters on a whiteboard, he is teaching a class of chimpanzees.)

DR HASSLIP: Dr. Hasslip. Dr. Hasslip. That's me. Hasslip. Now let's spell your names. We'll start with... Peanuts. P-E-A-N-U-T-S. Peanuts. That's your name. (sighs) Peanuts, I think you know more than you're letting on.

(A SOLDIER enters the room.)

SERGEANT BENJAMIN: Dr. Hasslip. may I have a word with you, sir.

(They leave the classroom.)

(PEANUTS leaves his chair and goes over to the board. He picks off a letter.)

(Cut to the corridor outside.)

DR HASSLIP: Wait a minute. What exactly are you accusing me of?

SERGEANT BENJAMIN: Sir, I'm not accusing you of anything. I'm informing you that an unauthorized email was sent from this facility and that your password was used. At the time it was sent, you were in my presence in the lunchroom, so I assume it wasn't you.

DR HASSLIP: No. No, it wasn't. Where was it sent from?

SERGEANT BENJAMIN: We can't determine that. I'd appreciate you keeping your eyes and ears open.

(DR HASSLIP returns to the classroom. All the chips are sitting on their chairs.)

DR HASSLIP: So, where did we leave off?

(PEANUTS has rearranged the letters on the whiteboard to read: "DOCTOR ASSLIPS". DR HASSLIP looks over at PEANUTS.)


(Cut to woods, BYERS and YVES. They stealthily approach an enclosure closed off by wire mess. JIMMY, LANGLY and FROHIKE join them.)

BYERS: Three minutes to one.

YVES: Something's happening.

(A MAN enters the enclosure.)

LANGLY: You figure that guy's Peanuts?

FROHIKE: Well if so, they got him dressed like a waiter from TGI Fridays.

(The MAN is joined by some chimps.)

FROHIKE: What in the hell?

LANGLY: What's with the monkeys? Where's all the slaves?

FROHIKE: We've been had.

BYERS: Maybe. Though these primates could be part of some larger research program.

LANGLY: I seriously doubt it. Let's just go home.

JIMMY: Let me see those (he reaches for FROHIKE'S binoculars), would you?

FROHIKE: Yeah, you might have family here.

(JIMMY looks through the binoculars at a chimp who is sitting by the gate.)

JIMMY: Guys. I think that's Peanuts.

BYERS: Jimmy, it's a chimp.

JIMMY: I know. But look, he's looking right at us.

LANGLY: He looks like he's looking right at us.

JIMMY: He just waved to us. Look, he did it again.

BYERS: You're not saying a chimpanzee emailed us, are you, Jimmy?

JIMMY: He said they named him Peanuts. If I had a monkey, I'd name him Peanuts. Or maybe Admiral Peanuts. If what I'm saying is so stupid, how come Yves isn't laughing? (to YVES) You believe me, don't you.

(JIMMY picks up a pair of bolt cutters.)

YVES: What are you doing?

JIMMY: What I came here to do.

(He takes the bolt cutters down to the enclosure.)

FROHIKE: Jimmy. Jimmy, get back here.

(JIMMY says "Shh" to the chimp. He cuts the padlock, opens the door. Urges PEANUTS to go with him. PEANUTS leaps into his arms sending JIMMY sprawling. PEANUTS then scampers off. JIMMY is unconscious. The chimp handler and military rush over to him.)

FROHIKE: Oh, crap!

(They scramble to leave. They run through the woods to the VW, soldiers following them shouting "Halt!".)

(They reach the VW and jump in, LANGLY driving, then FROHIKE, then BYERS, YVES is in the back.)

BYERS: License plate!

(The VW's licence plate flips up as they drive away, leaving the soldiers behind.)

FROHIKE: Damn it. Damn it. (He slams his hand on the dashboard.) We never leave a man behind. Not even Jimmy.

YVES: Guys.

(The three turn round to look at her and then see PEANUTS has hidden in their van.)


(Cut to rural area with farm buildings. A police car, siren blaring, travels fast along a mud track and away. Cut to BYERS sheltering just inside an open door to a barn.)

BYERS: They're gone. For the moment.

LANGLY: What a fiasco. How are we ever going to spring Jimmy if we're holed up in here?

FROHIKE: Guys, what if the big dope is right? What if this is some kind of government-bred super-intelligent chimp?

BYERS: Frohike...

FROHIKE: Seriously. How did he know to stow away in our van? Feel free to call me an idiot, Yves.

YVES: You're an idiot, Frohike.

FROHIKE: Uh huh. It's like Jimmy said; Yves knows it's true. I bet she knew from the start, as soon as she heard the name "Boulle Behavioural Lab". That explains why she wanted to come along with us. Right?

YVES: So ask him.

BYERS: Ask who?

YVES: Ask the chimpanzee. Why talk to me when you can talk to him?

FROHIKE: Peanuts, man. Que pasa.

LANGLY: He may not know Spanish.

FROHIKE: Peanuts. That's your name, right? Tell us a little about yourself. How did you get to be so smart? Talk to us, say something.

LANGLY: He's dissing us.

FROHIKE: Talk to me, you stupid monkey. You wanted us here. Jimmy's locked up because of you. (sighs) That's it... I'm selling him to the circus. Jimmy too. If we ever get him loose.

BYERS: Certainly Jimmy's what we need to be concentrating on.

LANGLY: God only know what he's telling those MPs right know.


(Cut to JIMMY being held in a large cage-type cell.)

JIMMY: What I did, I did in the name of the "Monkey Liberation Army". Freedom to our, uh, furry brothers.

SERGEANT BENJAMIN: The "Monkey Liberation Army"?

JIMMY: Yeah. The MLA, we call it. Anywhere there's a monkey being abused, or mistreated, or just, you know, whatever - be they chimps or gorillas or the ones with the weird noses and the shiny red butts - we'll be there.


JIMMY: We as in me. Just me. Right now it's a one man grass roots kind of thing. But I fully expect a groundswell of support from the entire nation once they get wind of what's going on here.

DR HASSLIP: How would you know what's going on here?

(JIMMY sits back and folds his arms - he's not telling.)

DR HASSLIP: Sergeant, release him to me.


(Cut back to the barn. BYERS is carrying what looks like a truck battery.)

BYERS: Think you can crack their computer?

LANGLY: Should at least be able to run down the contractor who built the lab. Maybe pull up a floor plan.

FROHIKE: Hey! Hey, stop it. Give me that.

(PEANUTS is bashing a keyboard.)

BYERS: Reason with him, Frohike. Try to reach a meeting of minds.

FROHIKE: Yeah, yeah. I'm a big enough man to admit when I'm wrong. I don't know what they're doing up at that lab, maybe they're breeding monkeys that are stupider than usual.

(PEANUTS tries the phone.)

FROHIKE: All right, that's it, bub. Party time's over.

(FROHIKE picks PEANUTS up and sits him on another table away from the computer.)

FROHIKE: (points finger at PEANUTS) Right there.

(PEANUTS immediately jumps off the table and runs off.)

FROHIKE: Hey, I think the little bastard took my keys.

(Cut to outside. PEANUTS climbs into the VW and puts the keys into the ignition. Nothing happens. YVES appears at the driver's window.)

YVES: Perhaps the battery came unhooked.

(The guys run up.)

YVES: Peanuts, I presume.


(Back in the barn. FROHIKE carries PEANUTS in and sits him on the table.)

FROHIKE: All right. Time for a meeting of the minds. Talk, you thief. Say something.

BYERS: Please, Peanuts.

LANGLY: Speak.

YVES: He can't. He's a chimpanzee, he doesn't have the vocal cords for speech. Haven't you figured that out yet?

LANGLY: So what can he do? Besides Grand Theft Auto.

(YVES places a laptop in front of PEANUTS, who immediately begins typing.)

FROHIKE: It's gibberish.

BYERS: No. it's not. It's Linux.

LANGLY: He's downloading some sort of voice synth program.

FROHIKE: Wow! Way to go, Peanuts.

(When PEANUTS types, we hear Edward Woodward's voice speaking the words.)

PEANUTS: Please stop addressing me by my slave name.

YVES: How do you prefer we address you?

(The laptop's screen shows the words being typed.)

PEANUTS: By the name I have given myself: Simon White-Thatch Potentloins.

BYERS: Um, Simon, it was you that sent us that email? Then why did you run from Jimmy, our associate?

PEANUTS: I meant no offence, but - I found him rather frightening.

FROHIKE: Yeah, well then why are you playing dumb with us?

LANGLY: Yeah, why did you try to bail on us? We're here to help you.

PEANUTS: I don't appreciate your intention to sell me to a circus.

FROHIKE: It, it was a joke.

PEANUTS: You haven't shown that you're any different from my previous captors. Please... I just want to be left alone.

(FROHIKE walks over to YVES.)

FROHIKE: All right. Spill it.

YVES: I'd heard whispers of this for years. The military wants the perfect undercover operative.

LANGLY: An intelligent chimp?

YVES: A chimp is the first step, I would imagine. A good starting point, as it's the closest relative to man, genetically speaking.

BYERS: They want intelligent animals. If they could breed a dog or a cat or a bird, as smart as a human - imagine what spies they would be. Total access, no one would suspect them.

YVES: Not simply spies. Imagine if Nikita Kruschev's house cat was to run about his ankles, just as he was descending the stairs for a midnight snack.

BYERS: My god. No one would even know it was murder. It's brilliant.

YVES: Except for one small detail. You can create an intelligent animal, but you can't be assured of his politics.


(Cut to classroom. A chimp is drawing on a piece of paper. A HANDLER comes over and picks up the chimp. DR HASSLIP is there, questioning JIMMY.)

DR HASSLIP: I'm not sure what you've heard about us, Jimmy. But as you can see, these animals are not abused or mistreated. They're rarely in cages, they're well fed and treated with compassion.

(DR HASSLIP sits on a chair the other side of a table where JIMMY is sitting. Another chimp is sat next to JIMMY.)

JIMMY: Maybe. But it's not like they asked to be here.

(The chimp starts feeling JIMMY'S hair.)

DR HASSLIP: That's Zuzu. She wants to groom you.

JIMMY: (to Zuzu) How's that Denorex working for me?

DR HASSLIP: Zuzu's not accustomed to males.

JIMMY: Why is that?

DR HASSLIP: We don't mix the sexes. The chimps would find it distracting.

JIMMY: You see, I think that's sad. You separate them, you give them slave names.

DR HASSLIP: "Slave names"?

(The Handler picks up Zuzu and carries her away.)

JIMMY: Yeah. Zuzu, Peanuts.

DR HASSLIP: How could you possibly know his name?

JIMMY: Whose name?

DR HASSLIP: My missing chimpanzee. He contacted you, didn't he? He emailed you?

JIMMY: Wow. That would be some trick, huh? Seeing as how I don't have email.

DR HASSLIP: My god. I was right about him. I was right all along. You are going to bring Peanuts back to me. You are going to bring him back, and you are going to do it, not out of fear of prison or prosecution, but because it is the right thing.

JIMMY: How's that?

DR HASSLIP: He's too important to science, and he's too important to America. You love your country, Jimmy?

JIMMY: Well, yeah. Of course I do.

DR HASSLIP: Then imagine how disastrous it would be for a hostile power to get a hold of Peanuts. To take possession of this huge breakthrough in genetic engineering that he embodies, do you follow?

(JIMMY nods, then shakes his head.)

DR HASSLIP: Let's say our president receives a little dog as a gift. A dog with an IQ higher than yours, who could spy on national security meetings.

JIMMY: A little talking dog. Like the one that sells the tacos. Those ingenious Mexicans.

DR HASSLIP: You do understand me, don't you? Jimmy, you do see how important this is?


(Cut back to the barn.)

BYERS: Certainly you could see how important this is. People need to know about you.


FROHIKE: Because Americans deserve to know what their government is up to.

PEANUTS: Why should I care what Americans know? I'm not American.

LANGLY: That's true. He's British.

PEANUTS: I'm not British - I simply prefer the voice. I'm not human. I don't aspire to be. Why should I care about your affairs? You creatures certainly don't care about mine.

YVES: We freed you. You owe us.

PEANUTS: What if in my place I gave you something better?

FROHIKE: What could be better than a super-intelligent chimp?

PEANUTS: Another super-intelligent chimp. One who's already in the field, operating as a trained assassin.

LANGLY: No way.

PEANUTS: In cold war weapons research, the Soviets matched the US dollar for dollar.

YVES: You're saying there's a Russian chimp, as smart as you are?

BYERS: And he's a murderer?

PEANUTS: He's a free agent now. He works for the highest bidder. And I happen to know he'll kill again tomorrow. It will take place in Washington DC - a political assassination. His name is Bobo. He knows no mercy.

(Fade to black.)


(Monitor showing web page of a newspaper - Washington Gazette.)

LANGLY: This is the guy? The French Minister of State?

PEANUTS: He's the intended victim. High-level trade talks are being held in Washington this week. Certain parties wish to influence the outcome and aren't above using murder to do it.

YVES: This chimpanzee. Bobo. How will he get close enough to this man to assassinate him?

PEANUTS: The minister and his family plan a visit tomorrow to the National Zoo. Guess who'll be waiting for them in the primate section?

FROHIKE: There's no point in calling the cops.

LANGLY: Yeah. What are we going to tell them - there's a killer chimp on the loose?

BYERS: We'll have to stop him ourselves. We can't forget about Jimmy. How close are you to cracking the Lab's computer?

LANGLY: Getting there. It's a tough one.

BYERS: You should keep working. Oh, Peanuts, sorry, Simon, you obviously know the Lab's computer system. Would you mind helping Langly access it?

LANGLY: Okay, I know he can type and everything, but, come on, this makes me look bad.

FROHIKE: You two stay put, 'til we get back.

(FROHIKE leaves with BYERS and YVES.)

LANGLY: So, let me ask you something; how did you know to contact us?

PEANUTS: I saw your publication - "The Lone Gunman".

LANGLY: You have it at the Lab?

PEANUTS: I came upon it when it was lining the bottom of my cage.

LANGLY: Anyway, looks like it's just going to be you and me for a while. I've got a lot of work to do. So... yeah, I know, why don't I build you a tyre swing. You'd like that, huh?

(LANGLY picks up a long length of rope. PEANUTS looks wary.)


(Cut back to JIMMY in the cage.)

DR HASSLIP: Jimmy? You thought it over? Are you going to tell me who your friends are and where I can find them? Are you going to do the right thing for your country?

JIMMY: I guess not, Sir. I'm sorry, but I got to figure, if Peanuts doesn't want to be here, that's his call.


SERGEANT BENJAMIN: Sir, we just received an email. It's a ransom demand for the animal.

JIMMY: Ransom demand?

SERGEANT BENJAMIN: We were able to trace their cell signal. We know where they are.


(Cut to delivery van outside the barn. The Driver closes the back doors, then climbs in the front and drives away. As he leaves, police and military vehicles arrived. The SOLDIERS and DR HASSLIP get out and the SOLDIERS enter the barn, guns drawn. The LEAD MP stops, lowers his gun and calls out "Sir!" The SENIOR MP and DR HASSLIP come in and we see LANGLY bound and gagged and hanging upside down by his ankles from a beam. One of the soldiers pulls the gag off.)

LANGLY: As god is my witness, I'm gonna kill that damn chimp.


(Cut to the delivery van driving down a country road. Cut to inside the van. A large cardboard box has a delivery label attached - "National Zoological Park, 3000 Connecticut Ave NW, Washington DC, 20008". The side of the box has an opening for carrying it. A pair of eyes appear - it's PEANUTS.)


(The FRENCH MINISTER and his FAMILY are outside, overlooking the chimps' play area. He is being interviewed by a TV crew in French.)

MINISTER: It is very cold today, yes?

(He speaks to his SON.)

MINISTER: Henri, I hope all the animals have not gone into their houses.

BYERS: (into radio) The minister has stopped for an impromptu press conference, but he's still headed towards the primate habitat - and Bobo. We don't have much time. Are you reading me?


(YVES and FROHIKE are inside the primate section - the chimpanzee sleeping quarters which is an enclosure of iron bars.)

YVES: (into radio) We're reading you, Byers. We're inside.

FROHIKE: (into radio) Byers, how does it look out front?

BYERS: (into radio) I don't see any chimps out here. Bobo must be inside with you.

(YVES has a tranquilliser gun and gives another to FROHIKE.)

FROHIKE: Remember, he's a trained killer.

(The camera pans over the enclosure. FROHIKE opens the gate into the enclosure and enters it.)

FROHIKE: There he is.

(YVES is still outside the enclosure and sees a clipboard affixed to the wall.)

(FROHIKE approaches the chimp.)

YVES: Stop.

(The chimp looks round at FROHIKE.)

FROHIKE: What the hell is it?

(YVES takes down the clipboard.)

YVES: I think that's a female.

FROHIKE: Bobo is a female?

YVES: No. Say hello to Lady Bonkers. She's a recent zoo acquisition, donated by the Boulle Behavioural Lab.


FROHIKE: What the hell's going on here?

YVES: It says here that there's two chimps in this habitat, this female and a male. They're giving them some privacy so they'll breed. The male is Bobo.

FROHIKE: So where is he?

YVES: Frohike!

(BOBO has swung down behind FROHIKE, and flattens him. Cut to outside and we see an unconscious FROHIKE being pushed out into the public habitat.)

BYERS: (into radio) Frohike? Frohike? Frohike? Yves, what's going on in there? Do you copy, Yves?

(In the enclosure, the two chimps are getting excited.)

YVES: (into radio) I've got it under control, Byers.

BYERS: (into radio) Yves? Yves? The Trade Minister is almost here.

(YVES goes into the enclosure.)

YVES: All right, comrade. Let's dance.

(BYERS sees YVES at the exit from the sleeping quarters. She hauls FROHIKE back in.)

BYERS: (into radio) What happened? Did you get Bobo?

YVES: (into radio) I've got him. It's quite a picture. I'll meet you at the rear gate.

(She has an unconscious FROHIKE and the chimp in a laundry cart.)

BYERS: (into radio) Here comes our Trade Minister. Perfect timing, Yves.

(He sees a chimp run out from the sleeping quarters, carrying a banana.)

BYERS: Yves, are you sure you have the right chimp?

YVES: (on radio) Yes. Why do you ask?

(In slow-mo, the chimp points his banana towards the Minister.)

BYERS: (on radio) Maybe it's not Bobo. Maybe that's not a banana.

(He shouts to the French Trade MINISTER)

BYERS: Ruuuun!!!

(He runs and tackles the MINISTER. A BODYGUARD pulls the MINISTER away.)

BYERS: Wait! He's a killer!

(The BODYGUARD punches BYERS. As the camera pans back, we see the BODYGUARD kicking BYERS. Then we see the chimp happily unzipping the banana.)

(Fade to black.)


(A chimpanzee pinches the unconscious FROHIKE'S nose. FROHIKE wakes up and we see the chimp from his POV: An upside face, smacking its lips. FROHIKE leaps up and we see he has been lying on the sofa in the Gunmen's HQ.)

FROHIKE: Son of a...

(He grabs a tee-square.)

YVES: I see you're awake.

FROHIKE: Don't just stand there. Grab a hammer and help me kill this monster.

(The chimp is jumping up and down on the sofa.)

YVES: Relax, Frohike.

FROHIKE: Relax? This is Bobo. He's a trained assassin.

YVES: You're right, this is Bobo. And Bobo, god bless him, is dumber than a bag of rocks.

FROHIKE: What are you talking about?

YVES: I'm saying, we got scammed - royally. Peanuts told us a wild tale and we fell for it, hook, line and sinker.

FROHIKE: Bobo is not an assassin? What about the plot to murder the French Trade Minister?

YVES: There was no plot. The man was never in danger.

FROHIKE: Where is Byers?

YVES: In federal custody, along with Langly and Jimmy.

FROHIKE: Langly too? Good lord.

YVES: And Peanuts has disappeared.

FROHIKE: Well, what kind of scam is that? And what's the point of it all?

YVES: I can't figure it out. I only know he played us beautifully right from the start, even when he pretended to try and steal your van. He didn't plan on going anywhere, his feet couldn't touch the pedals.

FROHIKE: It was all about sucking us in. Maybe he just wanted to make monkeys of us all. So, what do we do now?

YVES: I imagine the Army would be interested in a trade. Jimmy, Langly and Byers for Peanuts.

FROHIKE: Except we don't have Peanuts and we don't know where he is.

YVES: They don't know that.

(FROHIKE turns to look at the chimp who claps its hands and screeches.)


(Cut to rural road, night. Police and military vehicles arrive and stop in front of the VW. DR HASSLIP gets out of one vehicle. A Soldier opens the door to another and BYERS, JIMMY and LANGLY get out.)

DR HASSLIP: Where's my chimpanzee?

FROHIKE: You guys cool?

(The handcuffed JIMMY, LANGLY and BYERS nod. FROHIKE signals YVES who gets the chimp from the van.)

JIMMY: You're really going to give him back?

DR HASSLIP: Peanuts, you remember me? Dr. Asslips.

(DR HASSLIP then looks surprised. He takes a cloth from his pocket, licks it to make it damp, then wipes the chimp's head. He wipes off some dye, revealing a white patch on the chimp's forehead.)

FROHIKE: So then, you got your chimp. Everybody's happy, we'll just take our associates and go.

DR HASSLIP: Nice try.

(He signals the MPs.)

JIMMY: Dr. Hasslip, don't do this.

DR HASSLIP: I don't want to do this, Jimmy. I could care less about prosecuting you five, but I will see you locked away forever, unless I get my animal back. What's it going to be?

YVES: Sorry.

JIMMY: I'm sorry too, guys. I can tell you where Peanuts is. He's at the National Zoo. Byers figured it out and told me.

BYERS: Jimmy, stop.

LANGLY: Yeah, man. Shut up.

JIMMY: You see, Peanuts is the chimp that Byers thought was Bobo, he's the one that tricked Byers into getting arrested. We figure he did it on purpose and he must still be at the zoo.

BYERS: You're betraying Peanuts, Jimmy. Why on earth are you doing this?

DR HASSLIP: Because he knows it's the right thing.


(Back at the chimps' sleeping quarters. EVERYONE is there - BYERS has bruises on his face.)

DR HASSLIP: What happened to his white tuft?

JIMMY: I figure he dyed it, so he could take the place of Bobo here.

(SOLDIERS come in carrying a cage, with a chimp in it.)

DR HASSLIP: Utterly amazing. Out of the cage, Bobo.

(The chimp swings out of the cage and goes to sit next to Lady Bonkers.)

(The other chimp is put into the cage.)

DR HASSLIP: Peanuts.

SERGEANT BENJAMIN: Sir, what about them?

DR HASSLIP: If they ever again set foot on Lab property, you may shoot them, with my hearty encouragement. Otherwise, they're free to go.

(With the chimpanzees swapped, DR HASSLIP and the SOLDIERS leave.)

(FROHIKE walks up to JIMMY.)

FROHIKE: You are so fired.

LANGLY: You big jerk. You're sending Peanuts up the river. If my hands weren't full, I'd kick your butt.

(JIMMY walks over to LANGLY.)

LANGLY: That's a figure of speech. I got asthma.

(JIMMY takes LANGLY'S laptop and hands it to the chimp.)

BYERS: Jimmy, what are you doing?

JIMMY: You're kidding, right? (pause) You're not kidding? You guys weren't just playing along?

YVES: Playing along? What are you talking about?

JIMMY: Isn't it obvious, this is Peanuts - or Simon, as Byers tells me, I'm sorry. Come on! It had to have been obvious from the moment you laid eyes on him. I only saw him the one time and I knew. (to PEANUTS) Nice tackle, man.

FROHIKE: Jimmy, back when you were playing football, did you wear a helmet?

(JIMMY switches on the laptop, PEANUTS starts typing.)

PEANUTS: You're as patronising to your friend here as you are to me. Bravo, Jimmy! You've bested me at my own game. I'm heartened that there's one amongst you whose intelligence I can truly respect.

LANGLY: That means, the Army just took Bobo.

JIMMY: I couldn't believe it myself, he and Simon look completely different.

YVES: This was your plan from the start, for the Army to deliver you here themselves.

BYERS: By convincing them that you're not who you are, you ensure that they'll never bother you again.

FROHIKE: Only how could you know that Jimmy would recognise you and play along?

PEANUTS: I didn't. Frankly, I expected one of you to confess to Hasslip in order to avoid prosecution. I apologise for misjudging you.

(Music: Monkey Man, begins.)

YVES: But why escape to the zoo? Of all places, why here?

(JIMMY smiles and nods towards the other chimp.)

YVES: What? Lady Bonkers?

JIMMY: Look at her. She's hot!

(PEANUT screeches.)

JIMMY: (to Peanuts) No offence.

FROHIKE: You said she was sent here from Boulle Laboratory.

PEANUTS: Dr. Hasslip thought she was a distraction for me. She's far more than that.

BYERS: Still, you can't want to live in a cage?

PEANUTS: The whole world is a cage when you're trapped in it alone.

(We see Jimmy and Yves smile and Frohike nod his head. They understand what Peanuts means.)

(Fade to black.)


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